Reply-all escalation

From: david.jones@bci.com|
To: reg.carl@bci.com; staff@bci.com
Subject: Re: News from Peggy

Thanks for the update, Reg.

Also, don’t forget to send me that link for the beard balm.

­—-

Hi, everybody. Sorry for the reply-all. LOL.

—-

Hi again. Yes, I do appreciate the irony of apologizing for a reply-all with another reply-all, but I thought it was appropriate to acknowledge my error rather than have you think I was oblivious to the mistake or simply ignorant of basic email etiquette. So, again, my apologies for clogging up your in-boxes. Please: carry on.

—-

Sorry, last one, but I can’t let this slide. Just because I responded with “LOL” doesn’t mean I was being insincere with my initial apology. If you had happened to pass by my cubicle when I realized I had hit “reply all” to Reg’s email about Peggy’s gall bladder surgery instead of “reply,” you would have distinctly heard a rueful chuckle. It was not at all an LOL of mirth but decidedly sardonic.

—-

I said “sardonic,” Phil, not “sarcastic.” Get a dictionary. Also: beard balm is so a thing. Look that up too while you’re at it.

—-

P.S. I’d also like point out that I’m not the only one replying all here. So I’ll stop replying all when you guys stop replying all about my replying all.

—-

P.P.S. And, no, I don’t have to have the last word. I’m simply suggesting that certain people are being hypocritical. After all, it’s not like I was hawking chocolate bars to send my daughter’s dance class to the regionals.

—-

I want to apologize to Hester in accounting for my last email. My reference to selling chocolate bars was merely an example of generic reply-all emails that we’ve all been guilty of from time to time in which we fundraise for such and such on behalf of our kids. I had forgotten that Hester’s daughter has been raising money for her dance regionals, and I would just like to say that I think she is an example of courage, and I’m sure I speak on behalf of all of us at Borchek Consolidated Industries when I wish the best of luck to the East Preston Differently Challenged Dancers in their competition in Stoufferville.

—-

Sorry, Kenny, I really don’t know what kind of chocolate bars they are or whether they are still available. Hester, can you take this one?

—-

Seriously, I can’t believe that people are giving me a hard time about an accidental reply-all when all of a sudden everybody’s replying-all about Kenny’s risk of developing type 2 diabetes. Let the poor guy have his chocolate bar!

—-

No, Margaret, it is not the same as inquiring about beard balm, because my reply-all was an accident, as opposed to this global fretting for Kenny’s physical well-being. Honestly, doesn’t anybody have work to do around here?

—-

How is that in the wildest stretch of the imagination an example of “mansplaining,” Margaret? The only thing any of this has to do with the so-called “patriarchy” is that I can grow a beard and you can’t.

—-

Of course being able to grow a beard doesn’t make me better than you, Margaret, and, yes I believe the patriarchy is real. I only meant “so-called” in this reply-all-related instance, not as a matter of principle. Unless, of course, as a man, I’m no longer entitled to an opinion.

—-

Seriously, ladies, y’all need to chill! Obviously I was being sarcastic. (Not sardonic, Phil.) Jeez Louise, it’s a joke! To suggest that I am “wildly thrusting about the company’s email in some crazed testosterone-fueled frenzy of harassment” is outlandish, verging on libel. I have been nothing but a gentleman during all my years of service to this company and always – ALWAYS – maintain eye contact when you ladies lean over my desks like that with the blouses, which I get no credit for! I am woke! I follow Roxanne Gay on Twitter! I said “I like that skirt, Jean,” that one time and got accused of objectifying women – don’t think I didn’t hear you talking! – when all it was is I really did like that skirt! But this is too much! I JUST WANT A LUXURIOUS, WELL-GROOMED BEARD THAT WILL MAKE ME STAND OUT A TINY BIT IN THIS DRAB, DIVISIVE SPHERE OF MISERY AND MISUNDERSTANDING SO THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I CAN GET ONE SINGLE DATE! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???

—-

From: reg.carl@bci.com;
To: david.jones@bci.com; staff@bci.com
Subject: Re: News from Peggy

Hi Dave. It’s www.canadianredneckbeard.com .

– Reg

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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18 Responses to Reply-all escalation

  1. pinklightsabre says:

    LOL

  2. No wonder Canada is famous for its emollient approach to world issues – – you seem to be obsessed with moisturizing, which can contribute to these email slip-ups.
    First it was Bag Balm, now Beard Balm.
    And all the time, the real secret is starting your day with oatbread toast, and Jersey butter on both sides of the slice. Aye, there’s the rub, and all the protein and lubrication a manly beard needs for the day. Some of these emails did seem aggressive – – daily application of buttered toast on a beard helps prevent you from committing such irritating microdermabrasions.

  3. So glad I dont use email at work.

  4. I get about 70 emails a day. You got this completely right.

  5. What’s with that hotlink? It’s testosterone–fused yet it’s in French. What are you trying to play here?

  6. List of X says:

    And that’s why I don’t respond to any emails at work.

  7. cat9984 says:

    Do you realize that if you’d held this post until November, you could have referenced prostate cancer awareness? But from the sounds of your group, that might have created a problem with breast cancer awareness month. 🙂

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