All I Want for Christmas is No Tube

If your garland starts producing pearls, call your health care provider.

I was informed by a reader that last week’s column about the Absolute Worst Christmas Tea & Bazaar was decidedly Grinch-like and that I should really get with it Yuletide-wise. Unfortunately, this week I was hoping to relay a certain awkward aspect of my post-surgery recovery. Nonetheless, in keeping with the festive directive, I will do my utmost to deck my prose with boughs of holly.

As is normally the case when a man has his sugarplum surgically removed, I was sent home from the hospital with a garland inserted in my Yule log. The garland connects my punch bowl to a stocking that hangs by my thin leg with care in the hopes I don’t leak in my clean underwear.

All day long, the stocking gets filled with Christmas cheer. Then I drain the Christmas cheer in the toilet.

It’s really no fun having a garland in your Yule log. In fact, the very thought of it is enough to make most men cry out, “O holy night! What child is this!” There’s also mild swelling of the Jingle Bells, but that’s a whole other matter.

Unpleasant, yes, but when I left the hospital, I assumed, as I’d read, that the garland would remain in place for only 10 to 14 days, which is roughly half an advent calendar. I could handle that. Plus, they gave me drugs.

But then I received a message from the North Pole. My garland was to stay inserted until December 18, not 10 days, not 14 days but 26 days. Twenty-six days! What the silver bells!?!

I decided to phone the North Pole myself and speak to Santa Claus, who had removed my sugarplum, but all I reached was his personal elf. “There must be a mistake. That’s like three and a half weeks wearing a garland,” I said. “Am I on some kind of Naughty List?”

The elf explained to me that, no, it was simply that Santa Claus was on vacation.

“Isn’t there someone else who can extract the garland? Mrs. Claus? A resident elf? Anyone?”

Alas, everyone was busy making toys for all the good little girls and boys or performing hysterectomies. I’d have to wait.

Frustrated, I went about living day to day with my garland, based on the limited care instructions I’d received. What they didn’t tell me was what to expect — punch bowl spasms, feeling like your Yule log is stuffed with the holly and the ivy, the burning urge to spread Christmas cheer, pain in the figgy pudding.

Then there was the day when I was home alone and started to feel my Yule log burning. It got stronger and stronger, and then up the chimney it rose until my whole lower abdomen was in excruciating pain, like there was a partridge in my pear tree. I could barely move. I celebrated the birth of Jesus by loudly calling out his name over and over.

I managed to phone an elf, and she suggested I better call for a one-horse open sleigh. So I dialled 911 and waited for them to dash away, dash away, dash away all the way over to Pierce Street. But just as it’s beginning to look a lot like passing out, I finally noticed that my garland was terribly kinked. I’m all backed up with Christmas cheer! I quickly untangled the garland and all that cheer started draining out of me into my stocking and I was singing the Hallelujah chorus. Of course, I immediately cancelled the one-horse open sleigh (yay!).

But those are the things they don’t warn you about. Nor do they tell you that, as my daughter so delicately informed me, when I walk it looks like I’ve filled my pants with lumps of coal.

So if you see me, I’m walking that way not because of post-sugarplum pain but because I have a garland wiggling my Yule log. It’s preventing my return to normal life. With it, I’m no dasher or dancer and certainly not a prancer. I definitely can’t go a-wassailing. I can’t even settle down for a long winter’s nap. Until this thing is gone, I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas (and still a bit black-and-blue, to be honest).

Of course, once my garland does come out, I’ll have quite a few weeks of being the Little Diaper Boy. What a pain in the pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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77 Responses to All I Want for Christmas is No Tube

  1. ERNIE NEWALL says:

    Long may those Jingle Bells tinkle!

  2. markbialczak says:

    Oh, Canada! Your Santa Claus plan is too garland-negligent after it’s hung on the log!
    May you remain tangle-free and soon be merrier. , Ross.

  3. berinaberrry says:

    Did I say last time that I love love love the way you put your words across? Your sense of humour is lovely. From one exciting word to another. I wish you well, so that I can have more of this.
    Be blessed. Quick recovery.

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    At least I’m hoping you had a stress-free Christmas tree erection, so to speak.

  5. Great gobbly giblets, man! Oy vay! Having worked in urology for a number of years I understand only to a point! Get well soon! Perhaps your body will catch up with your humor, in which case, you’ll be just fine! What a great read! Well done!

  6. Marguerite says:

    How does one click both “Laugh” and “sad”?

  7. Pat Marr Parent says:

    Oh Ross…
    So sorry you’re having to go through all this ! 😢 Hmmm, not sure it would be any more tollerable had they given you the gift of sharing . I don’t imagine it would be . All I can say is that I wish for your “tinsel terror” to be over sooner than later !
    May the Grinch come and remove all the unwanted and replace it with nothing but GOOD cheer ( you know, the kind that makes you feel warm and fuzzy 😉 🍺 Careful of the pain meds ) and a RELAXING and PAIN FREE CHRISTMAS for you🎄.

  8. I should not be laughing at your pain, but, sadly, I am wracked with ho, ho, hos. This was a priceless contribution to the Christmas oeuvre. Who, I wonder, will play you in the movie?

  9. franhunne4u says:

    I am very glad I have neither a new surgery scar nor backpain or a headache … You made me laugh very hard. I read your Christmassy plight to my sister and she had to grin, too.

  10. This is hilarious, although I wish that NONE of it were true for you. 2019 will be better!!!

  11. Krista Wells says:

    Oh, man, there’s nothing I like more than a well-executed extended metaphor! Well, ok, I exaggerate. And you know what they say: Never exaggerate. It makes an ex out of agger and ate. But really, where the heck is your Stephen Leacock Medal already?!

  12. Gavin Keenan says:

    Chestnuts roasting by the open fire? Sandman nipping at your nose? Since Bill Cosby we can no longer sing Baby it’s Cold Outside. Hope your Doc enjoyed his / her vacation and glad you got untangled in time to avoid an ambulance ride to St. Elsewhere. I marvel at your ability to write in chipper fashion during your challenging convalescence. You have a real set.

  13. Nadine says:

    You had me at sugarplum. Your writing is far from glum. I feel saddened at the fact that garlands can’t be timely removed by elves. I had the same problem waiting to get a bad IUD extracted, so we ended up doing it ourselves. (Ick. And thank you Internet.) Was a delightful night, after which everything was all right.

    Thank you for prose so bright, which brings us all so much delight.

  14. Nadine says:

    Eek! The answer inside (or outside?) yourself (/elf?) you must seek. “I’m just a country writer, not a doctor, Ross!” (No idea if Wikihow is the boss.) Maybe warrants another call to the North Pole? They may say, yes, give it a go!” Don’t forget to buy cranberry juice, though.

  15. cat9984 says:

    Glad to see you’re maintaining your sense of humor. I can’t believe you have to wait for your own doctor. It seems like that sort of thing should have a high enough priority that he/she has someone covering for them. Just think – in a year or five this will be a funny story.

  16. Oh geez Ross, and I thought coal in my stocking was bad! You are killing it with the Christmas puns though. But I so feel your pain. Had the same thing happen to a garland that was hastily and improperly hung from my tree after my hysterectomy. Thank God for humor. How would we get through these indignities without it?

  17. cinluch3885 says:

    This is the first read I encountered within my first minutes of being on here- I’ve found my new sleepless nights reasons! 😸😸😸I think you have the trophy for word play here, so I shall simply cheer you on!

  18. Well, just as long as nothing gets red and starts oozing eggnog it sounds like you will be ok.
    If you are on Narcotic pain medines, please be very, very careful with them and Christmas cheer like spiked eggnog! Unless you have someone to pull you out of the sky.. because you will really be high! Take them at the same time everyday and as long as you follow the instructions, you won’t feel so much pain! If you. Are in a medical marijuana state….ask your doctor for a script. Take it from someone who has been in pain 40 years of her life.
    Be safe and by all means…try to have a good holiday.
    Hey, know this…
    At least you are alive!
    Shit could be worse!
    Blessings,
    #TheGuru_LupusWarrior

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Amen to that. I was given morphine pills, yes, but doled them out very carefully the first couple of days and since only rarely. I did take when during the incident I described and didn’t particularly enjoy the fuzz. I think I’m safe. As for pain, it’s generally mostly discomfort and irritation, so I’m managing okay. As for eggnog: eww.

      • Yeah, if you have anyone in your family who has an addiction issue, never ever touch any kind of narcotic!! Or it will be game over. When coming off the pills you may get a little sick but keep in mind it only lasts three days. 😇

  19. ksbeth says:

    on the 26th day of christmas, my doctor gave to me –
    a roto-rooter in my pear tree…..

  20. mikedw says:

    Only you could make this subject laugh out loud funny. I am in awe of your writing and your positive attitude!

  21. Drowning in holiday metaphors. I had to cross and uncross my legs several times during this read. Very uncomfortable for me. Very. Four! More! Days!

  22. theslingsta says:

    That is just about as festive as a tale about a, y’know, garland, can be. I only hope the drugs have been enough to send you dinging and donging merrily on high!

  23. solivagantkid says:

    http://solivagantkidliving.home.blog hey i just started my blog and it would be kind of you to visit it and leave comments thank you!!

  24. Thanks for sharing it with us. And Merry Christmas from Kunal Bansal Chandigarh.

  25. I’ve been trying to work out what the problem was and I’ve decided I’d rather not know! Amazing use of puns though!! Merry Christmas!

  26. citypeers says:

    Hi Ross, great job bro. Just kinda begin a blog citypeers.wordpress.com for folks of all walks, would appreciate a vistit from you boss. Thanks.

  27. citypeers says:

    ya here https://citypeers.wordpress.com check it ou..still in construction though

  28. I just started blogging and this post is the very first one I read 🙂 It’s very interesting to find unique writing styles like your’s!

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