Your possible Oscars hosts

With the Oscars just two months away and awards season already feeling like it’s gone on too long, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science still hasn’t come up with anyone to host Hollywood’s Greatest Night. Would-be host Kevin Hart stepped away from the emcee duties following revelations of past homophobic tweets. And with no other celebrity particularly interest in putting themselves under that social-media microscope, the Academy is now scrambling to find a possible host. Here, then, are the current top candidates:

A Greek chorus
Pros
– Would provide much-needed gravitas to an evening that has long been a frivolous exercise in self-congratulations punctuated by mawkish sanctimony and absolutely zero intrafamily slaughter.
– Would offer riveting orations like the following: “Who is the man proclaimed by Delphi’s prophetic rock and verified by the accounting firm Pricewaterhouse Coopers to be the winner of Best Actor in a film, though one that neither the children of Thebes nor their parents at the shrine of Pallas have bothered to see, for they have instead made pilgrimage to the temple where Ismenus gives oracles by fire and Ralph Wrecks the Internet is showing at 3:45. Hear me, Hollywood, city of Streep, honoured above all, for it is Christian Bale, again with the American accent.”
– Could perform The Tragedy of La La Land Losing to Moonlight.
Cons
– Mob of people wearing white sheets might send wrong message
– Not union

Furloughed US federal employees
Pros
– Available
– Probably have a lot of things to say
– Would be adored by the Hollywood liberal elite
– Don’t have to go to work the next morning
Cons
– Before making their acceptance speeches, Oscar winners would have to fill out Form RS3-8a and wait 6 to 8 weeks
– We wouldn’t want Oscar ceremony to all of a sudden become political…

Bob Hope
Pros
– Beloved American icon
– Already hosted Oscars 19 times
Cons
– Dead
– Comedy not very topical

A 4-year-old named Timmy
Pros
– Though possessing a limited range of material (“Knock Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Spider-Man.” “Spider-Man who?” “Spider-Man poopy head.” – then repeat but with Batman, Iron Man, etc.), there is potential in doing the same joke but with Kevin Spacey.
Cons
– Insists on performing classic bit, “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these,” complete with gestures. When pointed out that this is both sexist and racist, Timmy took off running down the corridor, shouting loudly, “I’m the racing-est of all, and I’m the winner!”
– Ceremony well past bedtime

All 10 seasons of Friends on autoplay
Pros
– No surprises
– Everybody loves that Gunther!
– Could we be more interested in the Oscars?
Cons
– Might run out of seasons before Oscars ceremony ends

A plate of doughnuts
Pros
– People might get hungry during the ceremony
– Delicious
Cons
– Inanimate
– Carbs

A little penguin
Pros
– Adorable
– Already has a tux
– Unlikely to make divisive yet obvious Trump joke
– Would be an appropriate gesture of solidarity in response to the #MePenguin movement
– Works for fish
– Would make potential Oscar nominee Lady Gaga not look like a penguin
Cons
– Has tweeted a number of whaleophobic comments
– Caught by paparazzi getting high with James Franco
– Heck, it’s a little penguin. There are no cons! Hire that cutie!

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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20 Responses to Your possible Oscars hosts

  1. markbialczak says:

    Are you available, Ross?

  2. ksbeth says:

    i’m on team timmy, he can sleep later. he would have the best jokes

  3. Nadine says:

    That Greek Chorus image had me sputtering coffee again — they definitely have my vote! — and your accompanying writeup for it had me feeling like I need to brush up on my ancient Greek mythology. 😉
    I so loved La La Land when I finally saw it; I felt like it was seriously some kind of revelational journey akin to the Iliad and the Odyssey (though of course I haven’t read the latter, and the latter are likely more important deserving of winning any Olympic Oscars, whether the wrong papyrus scroll is read aloud on Mount Olympus or not).

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I confess I had my college copy of Aeschylus in front of me to crib style and phrases. This is the second time in the past couple of months that I’ve brushed off my old books, the first being to help my daughter with her Dr. Faustus essay. Here’s to hoarding!

  4. I think Trump’s wall should host.

  5. Another vote for Timmy. The doughnuts could co-host – – if “inanimate” was a disqualification, they wouldn’t have used James Franco, and “Dunkirk” wouldn’t have been nominated.

  6. pinklightsabre says:

    How does the penguin get high without fingers? Does James hold it, to its mouth? Or are they doing edibles?

  7. Trent Lewin says:

    I’m voting for Timmy, because the world needs more superhero knock knock jokes. Well, I’ll vote for him if I can’t vote for you anyway. Plate of donuts indeed… priceless post, Ross.

  8. I can’t believe they’re having a hard time finding a host. Seems like an interesting way to get your name out there. I think you should host it. Pros: pretty funny, licked cancer, has stage experience, reasonable rates. Cons: None.

  9. List of X says:

    Maybe the little penguin is a perfect candidate in the opinion of the #MePenguin movement, but he faces pretty long odds due to the opposition from the #MeTuna movement.
    I think we should go with Bob Hope. The fact that he is dead should only be considered as a plus, since he could be posthumously 3D animated, and given best of Timmy’s material, plus a set non-offensive jokes specifically designed to envoke absolutely zero reaction from anyone. Also, Bob Hope’s 3D animation will allow the opportunity to quickly reset the host appearance to satisfy the changing audience’s demand for a host of color, or a different gender, or a religious or/and sexual orientation. And, of course, dead people have historically not been sufficiently represented among the Oscars hosts.

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