They say I’m a madman. They say the risks of cloning an army of viral gymnast Katelyn Ohashi are too high. But I believe more strongly than I have ever believed anything in my life that the last, best hope to rescue civilization is the exuberant, breathtakingly athletic routine of Katelyn Ohashi multiplied ten-thousand-fold and accompanied by a medley of Motown hits.
The procedure for cloning Katelyn Ohashi is not important. I will say only that it involved a DNA swab, a purloined unitard and falsified security clearance at the November 2018 SoCal Boing-A-Palooza.
After that, the cloning process was easy, though containing an army of Katelyn Ohashi clones is problematic. Given that a single Katelyn Ohashi can power an average American household for three straight days, imagine the incredible volatility of 10,000 Kateyln Ohashis in one place. Not to mention that staring directly at the Katelyn Ohashis can cause permanent blindness and overstimulation of the feels. Thus, the need to enclose my army of Katelyn Ohashi clones in a lead-lined concrete facility. But rest assured that the Katelyn Ohashis are humanely treated with access to unlimited Netflix and all-you-can-eat Starbursts.
They are ready. They are sassy. They are glittery. Soon, very soon, I will unleash my Katelyn Ohashi army upon the world.
In war zones, Katelyn Ohashi clones will descend from helicopters, landing (perfectly!) in the midst of conflicts to flip, shimmy, bounce-split-spin-sproing with an athleticism that will leave the warring factions so awed by human potential they will put down their arms and cry, “Again, Katelyn Ohashi clones, again!” And the Katelyn Ohashis will perform over and over and over, for they never tire. And if they do, there are plenty more Katelyn Ohashis where those came from.
In the cities, my Katelyn Ohashi army will patrol the streets, unleashing gasp-inducing floor routines to vanquish gun violence, systematic racism, body shaming and unpaid internships.
Wherever douchebag teenage pro-lifers gather in a mob to taunt a peaceful Native protestor, Katelyn Ohashi will be there, summersaulting through the throng, leaping skyward and coming to rest on the shoulders of their leader, the douchiest of all the bags, who will think briefly to himself, “This is kind of hot,” before Katelyn Ohashi crushes his skull with her mighty thighs while winking at the Catholic boys in their MAGA hats, who will flee in terror to dedicate their remaining days to dismantling the patriarchy.
With my army of Katelyn Ohashi clones, governments perpetuating economic privilege and social inequality will have no choice but to cede the floor to the girl in the sequined jumpsuit. Overwhelmed by hip-shaking self-empowerment, the legislators will declare as one: “We are of the old ways, but we must make room for a new way, a vibrant, spangly way.”
Imagine the glorious consequences: Mitch McConnell has a fatal stroke. Lindsey Graham reveals that he has been wearing a glittering leotard the whole time! Sarah Huckabee Sanders recalls the last time she felt emotion (age 9). Alexandra Ocasio Cortez becomes best friends with all the Katelyn Ohashis but is still too young to run for president. It will be glorious and flexy!
Globally, border security will be turned over to Katelyn Ohashi clones, stretching (spectacularly!) for thousands of miles along frontiers, in constant motion, impassible, fabulous, costing nothing to taxpayers but their love and respect and the occasional seamstress fees.
With political and social strife becalmed, a million Katelyn Ohashis will be dispatched to coastlines around the world, where the precision whipping of two million arms and two million legs will cool the oceans, reverse global warming and teach nearby fishermen to love again.
The Katelyn Ohashi army will eliminate typos in books from major publishers and invent motion-sensor faucets that actually work.
The Katelyn Ohashi army will negotiate a new season of “Arrested Development,” but a good one this time.
The Katelyn Ohashi will refuse all photo ops with the president.
The joyful, sinewy dawn of the Katelyn Ohashi clone army is upon us. Prepare for a bouncy new era!
Although if this doesn’t pan out, I’m also working on a Cirque du Soleil militia.