Disaster scenarios ranked by my chances of survival

You might want a jacket, honey.

Zombie Apocalypse
When the flesh-eating hoard inevitably swarms my home (hopefully, at first, making quick work of the neighbours who are always outside yelling and drinking and therefore easy prey), I stash myself in a virtually unfindable location, my small frame allowing me to squeeze into tight spaces and my years of playing hide-and-seek with the children informing me as to where those tight spaces are. Unfortunately, by this point my family has already been turned into zombies and they also know where those tight spaces are. And so I am discovered and eaten. Adding insult to mortal injury, also because of my small frame, I am dismissed as a mere appetizer by the zombie gourmands. Chance of survival: 64%

Active Shooter
Because of my keen communication and observation skills, I feel equipped to confront the shooter, who is not simply the embodiment of evil but a troubled human being. I make clear that I mean no harm and that I only want to talk. Reluctant at first, the shooter is nonetheless grateful to finally have someone who will listen to him. He begins to tell his tale of despair, becoming visibly less agitated through this act of verbal catharsis. Too bad my communication and observation skills are trumped by my unbridled narcissism as my mind begins to wonder whether the media will refer to me as “a hero” or “an unassuming hero.” Realizing that I am no longer paying attention, the shooter loses patience and dispatches me, leaving the world to mourn my tragic passing. Chance of survival: 53%

Climate Change – Rising Seas
On relatively high land and in a rural environment, I feel confident about avoiding the impact of the rising sea levels that have wiped out coastal cities, rendered 30% of North America suddenly uninhabitable and put a real damper on seaside rock festivals. As the grid collapses and refugees make their way inland, I generously open my property to those seeking shelter. Recognizing all that is good in humankind, I propose that a communal ethos guide our co-existence, and we agree to share labour and food. Eventually, though, factionalism and a more Darwinian approach to survival emerges. Specifically, large, angry men force me out of my home (with humiliating ease due to my small frame). Without resources, I am compelled to wander this new savage land where I fail to meet anyone as magnanimous (or foolish) as I have been. Eventually, I die of exposure during a common June blizzard. My last thoughts are: “So much for global warming.” Chance of survival: 44%

Climate Change – Global Warming
The earth is scorched, water scarce, wildlife decimated along with the agricultural food supply. The economy has ground to a halt because the infrastructure can no longer withstand the blistering heat of the relentless sun. Governments have fallen, society has descended into anarchy. Only the nighttime offers relief from heat but, alas, not the constant violence. As for me, I am bludgeoned to death by a loved one who has heard me declare one too many times, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” Chance of survival 42%.

Céline Dion Pandemic
While I have been vaccinated against Céline Dion, a particularly resistant strain of Céline Dion sweeps the globe, and before I know it, Céline Dion has entered my house. I suffer through chills, “The Power of Love” and multiple wardrobe changes. Luckily, a strong immune system due to years of living with teenagers and their terrible music prevents me from fatally succumbing to Céline Dion. Unluckily, Céline Dion, thinking she is performing one of her Vegas dance numbers, crashes into me at the top of the stairs, sending my small frame hurtling downwards, where I suffer cranial trauma, fall into unconsciousness and die. My heart, it turns out, will not go on. Chance of survival: 27%

Carpenter Ants
I discover that carpenter ants have infiltrated the eaves of the house. What a disaster! During the inspection, I suffer a deep splinter in my index finger. Though I remove the splinter, it soon becomes infected. Due to my isolated, rural environment, health care is miles away, but I cannot get the car out of the driveway because high winds caused by climate change have knocked a tree down, blocking the exit, and I can’t ask the neighbours to help because they’re drunk and also annoyed by the constant noise of Céline Dion. Instead, I simply hope the infection will go away. It doesn’t; I die of carpenter ants and also embarrassment. Chance of survival: 24%

Electing the Right
Chance of survival: 0%

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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25 Responses to Disaster scenarios ranked by my chances of survival

  1. A J says:

    None of these scenarios seem survivable for me. Goodbye world.

  2. kirizar says:

    I’m now excessively hopeful for the zombie apocalypse. It sounds like a less painful death than a fatal case of Celine Dion or Carpenter Ants for that matter.

    Re-electing the Right is my worst fear and the most likely death for me. I fear. I totally fear.

  3. M. Oniker says:

    Since a zombie apocalypse caused the election of the Right, which has caused the rest of the disasters to already occur (active shooters? check, all of the climate stuff? check, climate stuff leading to carpenter ants? check, and Celine Dion because there’s no other explanation? check), I’m thinkin’ our options are limited. For me, I think the end is definitely going to be bears.

  4. My least chance of survival, would probably a re-electing of the right, being that I live in a small parochial southern town and they would get tired of hearing me say, ‘Well, I didn’t vote for these guys.’ I would quickly be dispatched and thrown in a well. It would all be in the name of Jesus of course, but alas, I’m dead none the less.

  5. Entertaining with too much truth hiding underneath!

  6. Thank you, this is great Prep’ster material, I hadn’t fully recognized the insidious threat of Céline Dion. Are you drinking too much coffee? These paranoiac visions hit you around 3 AM? Well, great! Really enjoying your doomsday scenarios!
    Back home we survive Zombie Inactive Shooters, always got a couple cases of mixed Keystone Light/Eastern Bloc surplus steel-case ammo, but 93% survival rate, because they only shoot at stuff from their deck chairs on the back porch.
    I assume the picture is illustrating another existential threat you didn’t spell out: Kale.
    The nasty dark Taz whirlwind would be a hipster after eating his third bowel, sorry, bowl of raw kale, washed down with Pabst Blue Ribbon to show he’s too cool for craft beer, and with a side of artisanal goat cheese fried in Persian lamb ghee. What has happened to our greenhouse emissions standards.

  7. pinklightsabre says:

    It’s true, the ants will inherit the earth. Or the right.

  8. Good thing I saved this for Monday. It made the morning commute bearable. The bad news: the rest of the day can’t measure up.

  9. List of X says:

    There’s definitely a high risk of Celine Dion spreading near, far, wherever you are.

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