Your Middle-Age Guide to Grunting

“Ouch! I think I strained my stock image!”

Grunting: Not Just for Tennis Players Anymore
Welcome to middle age, a beautiful time of life when your body is going through many changes, all of them accompanied by sounds you had no idea you were capable of.

Whether it’s settling noisily into a chair or aurally drawing attention to yourself as you get back up, grunting is a natural, noisy part of the aging process and just one more thing for your spouse to find tiresome. But the onset of middle-age grunting may trigger a lot of questions: Why am I doing this? Is bending over like that really grunt-worthy? Was that grunt too loud for a funeral?

This guide will help you and your loved ones understand grunting in middle age and provide tips for grunting and grunt-related activities.

Am I Really Ready to Grunt?
There is no specific age to begin grunting. Many people in their twenties experiment with grunting, though usually ironically, probably while bowling. However, most men and women find themselves beginning to grunt in earnest in their mid to late 40s or around the time they start considering the highlight of their day to be PJ time.

Here are some other indications you may be about to begin grunting at the drop of a hat (because you have to bend over to pick up the hat):

• Frequent world-weary sighing
• Entire conversations about joints (non-weed)
• Consciously putting off trimming your toenails
• A sudden disdain for stairs
• Not understanding what all the fuss is about

If you indicate one or more of these signs, chances are that very soon you will be stretching for the remote on the coffee table and going, “GNURRRUGHHH!”

Grunt with Gusto!
Now that you’re a middle-aged grunter, it’s important to embrace the grunt! Grunt and incoherently grumble with determination, or at very least as much determination as you can muster now that you’ve watched most of your dreams wither and die.

The key to a good grunt is the diaphragm. This is the band of muscles across the front of your abdomen that you have completely let go since you stopped going to the gym because you “have no time” (binge-watching “Parks and Rec”), and now you go “UNNNNGGGHHH” when you reach up to the high shelf to get the bag of Party-Size Doritos.

If, for example, you are bending down to tie your shoes, begin your grunt in the upright position, with a slight, high-pitched “urrrrr…” Then let the tension of bending over propel the grunt out of your lungs with a loud “RRRGGGHHHH” before releasing an unapologetic steam of “aaaaaaahhhhh” in the downward position, only to realize that you can’t actually reach your shoes anymore from a standing position, so you collapse into a nearby chair with a vocal “OOOOffffff….!” Don’t forget to announce to everyone, “My dogs are killing me!”

Is Grunting Only for Strenuous Exercise, Like Getting Out of Bed?
No! The benefits of middle-age grunting is that you can grunt all the time! Thanks to your quickly atrophying body and waning ability to feel joy, you can integrate low-grade grunting-slash-moaning into your everyday sedentary life. This can be anything from the occasional mournful groan directed at your workplace computer or even an incessant chesty growl, as if the very act of breathing were something of a chore. Be warned, though, that such chronic grunting can cause respiratory complications and complaints to Human Resources.

You can also implement low-grade grunting in your household chores. Grunting is not only a reflection of the minor stretching and bending you are doing as you, for example, clean the nasty places behind the toilet but also an audible reminder to your family that you are martyring yourself doing this highly unpleasant task, and aren’t you simply the best?

Mindful Grunting
Now that you are naturally grunting, it is time to bring your grunting to the next level. Instead of grunting only when undergoing moderate physical activity, set time aside daily to grunt. Settle into a cross-legged position while complaining like someone is amputating one of your limbs. Focus on your grunting. Notice how the sounds as you exhale loudly bring into sharp relief the fact that you will never again scamper. Stay in this position, moaning pitifully, for 10 to 20 minutes or as long as you can stand it. Then ask someone to help you up.

What about intimate grunting?
You’re middle-aged; there’s not much of that.

Your End-Life of Grunting Awaits!
Congratulations once again on reaching middle age. A past-your-prime existence of making guttural sounds is within reeeeeachHHHUGGGH!