In my alternate-universe election, everyone chooses thoughtfully

wThe Canadian federal election is Monday, and I can’t remember ever feeling so conflicted about casting my vote. Do I vote with my head? With my heart? With a pink pencil crayon? So many variables!

It’s especially hard here in Quebec where we have one more contending party than most Canadians, and the sole mandate of that party, the Bloc Pro-François, is to ensure that all federal legislation and initiatives are cast in the best interest of guys named François.

And while they don’t come right out and say it, the party really has it in for white guys named Murray. In fact, their policy includes legislation that would force white guys named Murray to cover up their faces at all times and never be allowed in the 12-items-or-less checkout. I mean, I understand the face covering, but the cats need their Fancy Feast!

Naturally, I won’t be voting for the Bloc Pro-François. But, surprisingly, support for the party is rising as people come on board with the whole face-covering thing, which I have to say is a bit hurtful, but, again, I get it. My friends tell me the only way to stop them from winning is to vote for the Smelly Fish Party, which is running on a platform of continuing to shove toothpicks under people’s fingernails but in a totally charming way.

Plus, if Pro-François does take away seats from Smelly Fish, that means the Flaming Turd Party will win the election and form the next government, which will mean cuts to social programs and thugs coming to your house every Sunday to drag you to church. And also toothpicks under the fingernails but in an entirely off-putting manner.

So people say I must – absolutely must! – vote Smelly Fish, in order to stop the Bloc Pro-François and the Flaming Turds.

But what if I don’t want to vote for the Smelly Fish?

Certainly I don’t want to vote for the Dead Puppies Party. Those people are nuts. Sure, they really like white guys named Murray, but they hate puppies! Especially foreign puppies!

But why can’t I vote for, say, the Let’s Play Nice Party? Or what about the Magic Rainbow Unicorn Party? “You can’t vote for the Magic Rainbow Unicorn Party,” they say, “because no one votes for the Magic Rainbow Unicorn Party, and if no one votes for the Magic Rainbow Unicorn Party, then voting for Magic Rainbow Unicorn Party is a waste of your vote.”

But if you remove “winning” and “losing” from the equation, you get a whole new perspective. Take, for instance, this whole issue of burning down houses:

  • The Smelly Fish say they will no longer burn your house down except when they do.
  • The Flaming Turds say that, in order not to burn your house down, they will burn someone else’s down.
  • Let’s Play Nice say they will continue burning some houses down, but here’s a garden hose.
  • The Magic Rainbow Unicorn Party says, “Call us crazy, but let’s stop burning houses down.”

Pundits do say that’s crazy. If we don’t keep burning houses down, they claim, houses will no longer be burned. It’s hard to argue against that logic. Not to mention the positive economic impact of replacing all those burned down houses with new houses that we can burn down again.

Others say that if we stop burning houses down, the government will need to stick even more toothpicks under our fingernails, which is bad for Canadians although great for the toothpick industry.

(The Dead Puppies Party, incidentally, wants to burn down all the doghouses. The Bloc Pro-François only wants to burn down my house.)

There are so many parameters when it comes to voting: the party platform, the party leader, the local candidate, whose campaign theme song is Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time,” which is just plain weird.

This isn’t the first time, though, and it feels like this election is different, requiring more than gut instinct and fear that the toothless Bloc Pro-François will make me feel vaguely uncomfortable on an entirely theoretical level.

In fact, it’s not about me at all. Nor is it time for you to get ahead. Instead, it’s time for all of us to think selflessly about what’s best for our country and our world. That means thinking differently, maybe voting not strategically or out of fear but positively in favour of something, considering all options. If we keep voting as we always have, nothing’s going to change. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different tax break.

So put some thought in your vote. And if you want to vote Pro-François, go ahead. I’ll put on a brave face. Which will be covered.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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20 Responses to In my alternate-universe election, everyone chooses thoughtfully

  1. Claudette says:

    They’re all Flaming Turds 💩 if you ask me.

    Can Ontario vote for Francois? Lordy…😅

    Anyway on Monday I will march my sorry ass in my newly purchased black leather high heeled boots to the Assembly Hall to cast my vote for one of the Turds 💩 and the…we’ll probably have to do it all over again in less than 2 years is my guess. 😉😵😂

  2. Nadine says:

    😂😂😂Nice one, Ross. Thanks for the chuckles. Needed those.

  3. pinklightsabre says:

    They used to just give out toothpicks at restaurants here but now we have to ask for them to stir our drinks. Something about the environment I think.

    I loved this. Thank you…

  4. This was a real public service post, I’ve never before really grasped the nuances of the regional rivalries running rife up there. We of course have dead puppy/house-burning/stinky fish factions here in the U.S., and sometimes they form coalitions and have a barbeque or fish-fry, but I’d naively assumed that toothpicks, like any wood-related product, would be universally popular in Canada.
    I think I saw François and the Flaming Turds open for Nine Inch Nails? Or maybe 5 Finger Death Punch, or Three Dog Night, some band with numbers in the name. Whichever band, it was the one that can’t tour in Canada, or anywhere with the metric system – when they converted the name to centimeters, they were sued by 10cc over copyright infringement.
    Well, I enjoyed this post, it’s funny even without understanding the party context. I know a lot of U.S. citizens appreciated when Trudeau was elected, because they were unaware his father wasn’t in office anymore, so like a stopped clock, etc.

  5. Lynn says:

    On the bright side, winter is upon us so at least covering up your face will keep you warm. Just sayin’!

  6. beth says:

    spin the wheel and do your best to land on a winner

  7. Joy Blake says:

    Seems to me that voting for the Flaming Turd party would be Scheer stupidity!

  8. List of X says:

    Is Canadian Magic Rainbow Unicorn party a version of the US MRUP which says that the government shouldn’t be burning houses at all; that houses would be magically burning down on their own because of the free market?

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