Your Desperation Christmas Gift Guide

Now with bonus graph paper!

Deb and I agreed a long time ago that we would only do stockings for each other at Christmas. But, lo and behold, every Christmas morning, there’s a present for me under the tree marked from the dog or the cats. The only problem is: the pets do a lousy job shopping for my wife.

So if you’re like our household beasts, you’re probably running around looking for last-minute gifts and dragging your rear across the carpet floor. I can’t help you with the latter, but I can offer some gift suggestions so you don’t end up in the doghouse. (Get it?)

Infinite Pot
Hot on the heels of last year’s Instant Pot craze, the Infinite Pot creates perfect meals every single time – somewhere among an infinite number of alternate timelines. Will it be the timeline you’re currently in with your guests impatiently waiting as your partner stalls by explaining the intricacies of crop rotation? Or will it be the timeline in which you convince Paul McCartney not to write “Wonderful Christmastime” and are hailed an international hero? And in which timeline will your meatballs be succulent? What about Paul McCartney’s? Only time and space will tell.

Electric Hangers
Tired of peering into your closet on these drab winter mornings unable to tell your navies from your browns from your charcoals and your greens, and you end up just grabbing something and throwing it on, and then you get outside and look at yourself in the grey light of another dreary morning and say to yourself, “This outfit doesn’t go together at all!” but you go to work anyway and feel self-conscious all day, so much so that you blow that important presentation on crop rotation, thereby jeopardizing not just your career but your family life as you spiral deeper and deeper into depression and substance abuse? No? Just me then? Either way, illuminated hangers are wicked cool!

Modern-design loveseat located in the Winners department store showroom, Sherbrooke, Quebec, with refined medium-grey linen-like fabric, low-profile armrests and high-density foam cushions containing pocket coil springs and one accidental fart.

All-Vegan Himalayan Pink Salt Crystal Air Purifying Musical Meditation Nightlight
Based on ancient Tibetan folk wisdom that someone really should have written down, this crystal meditation nightlight takes negative ions, transforms them into sarcastically judgemental ions and finally into ions with contrary opinions they wisely keep to themselves. An all-natural product with the proven healing properties of driveway gravel. Plays “The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Loofahs” and the Dixie Chicks’ “Goodbye Earl.”

Perennials for Millennials
An assortment of plants in starter kits that never leave their starter kits or produce offshoots. Also available: Germination X, plants that will only grow if they can do so ironically; and OK Bloomer: plants that take up all the nutrients and oxygen and do everything in their power to make the garden like it was in the good old days, which really weren’t that good in the first place.

Animatronic International Santa Figurine
Delight your family, friends and crop rotation specialists as they hear how Santa Claus laughs around the world:
USA: Ho Ho Ho
Greece: HΩ HΩ HΩ
Wales: Hglghauchgh Hglghauchgh Hglghauchgh
Germany: […]
UK and obstinate parts of Canada: Hou Hou Hou
France: Je ho, tu ho, il ho, nous ho-ons, vous hoez, ils hoent
China: “Ho Ho Ho.” “Yes?”
Australia: oH oH oH
Russia: I will laugh: Ho. You will be merry now.

Hilarious humour collection by beloved local author featuring, sure, essays you could probably find online, but without having to weed through the weird, lame ones, like this, plus the author is really hoping to make some money on the venture so the cats can buy his wife a decent Christmas present for once.
Hey, it was worth a shot.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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17 Responses to Your Desperation Christmas Gift Guide

  1. So when you started conjugating I spit coffee. LOL

    Merry Christmas. Maybe the cat will leave a fur-ball. 😛

  2. Great gift ideas, and I especially like the Perennials for Millennials:)

  3. My great-uncle always delivers the Rotation Speech during holiday dinners, I’ve never been able to follow it, not sure if it was tires, crops, or planets that we’re rotating. His presentation always uses all the mashed potatoes and puréed peas, so that’s crops, right? Although there’s also beets, which would suggest the planet Mars. Anyhoo, these are great suggestions you’ve cooked up, the Perennials for Millennials is perfect for my sister.
    And love the Int’l House of Santas! 

  4. Happy Holidays to you, Ross Murray!

  5. Because my husband is a super handy man and something of a super genius he installed this device in our closet that might help you with your winter wardrobe. It’s called a light. You should check it out.

  6. beth says:

    I believe I will be sharing a space with more than one ok bloomers this holiday season. I now know the perfect gift for them – thanks!

  7. pinklightsabre says:

    The perennials. Hey! So this is Christmas (and what have you done?!). Lots. Love to you and yours, the little pets too…

  8. List of X says:

    And it has to be mentioned that if All-Vegan Himalayan Pink Salt Crystal Air Purifying Musical Meditation Nightlight breaks, it could be reused as a gluten-free de-icer for your driveway.

  9. Trent Lewin says:

    I wish I had seen this before the holidays… alas, too late. I give pyjamas and chocolate. One you can wear, the other… well…

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