And it came to pass that upon the world there befell a virus that caused a great cataclysm, with much gnashing of teeth, rending of garments and hoarding of toilet paper. And there were those who became sickened by the virus, though they knew it not, and on pleasure cruises they went, which is a bad idea at the best of times.
Thus did the virus spread by those who went about their business and social affairs, wantonly infecting their kinsmen and outlanders both, even unto those who donned the Face Masks of Protection, for they still could not help putting their fingers in their mouth, it was just their way.
In every city and in every hamlet the virus did spread, lo, as the cream cheese is spread upon the bagel, and anon the sickening was a blight over all the Earth, with great suffering and death abounding and the stock market going down the crapper.
But within each village and town, even within the condos of the mighty metropoli, there were those who were loath to venture out of doors for fear of interacting with others and their aggressively social ways. They who would avoid the co-worker birthday party by hiding in the supply closet until, verily, the coast was clear. They who would maintain a roster of imaginary cousins who were “in town” every time a dinner invitation was visited upon them.
And they did call themselves Introverts, and they were not marked by the sickness but did continue to be unto themselves alone or, at most, with their ilk in small gatherings with their Dungeons and, forsooth, their Dragons.
While the people did continue their business trips in lands afar and also to the convention centres and trade shows therein, the Introverts did telecommute in the ways of their ancestors (circa 2004) and touched not the gruesome airplane headrest nor the Escalator Handrail of Doom.
To ComiCon they did go, of course, because ComiCon! But interact they did not with others, nay, not even with beloved television actor Kevin Sorbo (“Hercules: The Legendary Journeys,” 1995-1999; “Andromeda,” 2000-2005).
Not even to the library did they go but downloaded they the ebooks unto their Kindle, and they saw that it was full, and it was good.
Yea, the Introverts did look out upon the world as the virus spread across valley and plain, o’er mountain and dessert, and their hearts were filled with gladness, not for the suffering of their fellow man, but because a decree had gone out to avoid social kissing, both of the one- and two-cheek variety, for this was a great relief to them. And the Introverts did dance like nobody was watching, which was verily the case.
Time did pass, and the virus was a plague upon the world, claiming every first-born son and every second-born aunt as well four out of five left-handed bassists—it was truly a complicated virus, difficult to comprehend.
And, lo, there came a time when the Introverts looked out and saw that they were alone. Saddened they were by the loss of so much humanity and the breaking down of the machines and especially the unresolved plot lines of “Better Call Saul.” Yet in their hearts there was a mighty peace.
“Let us go out then,” they said to their cats, “and let us survey this land that is now free of restaurants with their over-friendly servers and absent of corporate team-building retreats.”
Thus did the Introverts wander the earth, foraging among the ruins of civilization, now free of disease for there was no one to rub up against on public transit. And as they wandered, they could not truly know how many of them there were that had survived the plague because of course they did made not eye contact.
There followed then a period of great peace and serenity as the Introverts, uninterested in forming a government amongst them, went from day to day, and in their sketchbooks they did draw and that semi-autobiographical novel they did finally get around to finishing. Yea, even to the gym did some of them start going.
The Time of the Introverts was glorious, filled with music and poetry that they shared not but kept unto themselves.
Alas, their time of glory was short, for as Introverts they did fail to hook up, and breed they did not. And so it came to pass that the last living Introvert did pass from this world, alone, yet satisfied that she had succeeded in finishing the Harry Potter series for the 132nd time.
And that is how it came to pass that the cats now rule the Earth.
Great writing style…and that music!
Don’t stop the music!
Ed. note: the KJV line is WAILING and gnashing of teeth………..
Wail away, y’all!
I thought it was funny. NAS
Ok…write part II next: a lesson in how to procreate in post-apocalypse rise of the introverts time. 😉
I mean, rubbing up against transit passengers is the equivalent of foreplay no? With that gone…we’re doomed. 😉
Love it! Well, all is status quo for this introverted freelancer who has successfully avoided corporate retreats since 2009. Keep your cats safe, anyway!
The only reason to go to a retreat is to retreat to your hotel room for as long as possible.
I’m in tears…haha! Thanks, I needed this.
I’m a service blog, really. Glad you liked.
Hahahaha brilliant. Just love it.
Thanks. I know my audience.
“Let us go out then, they said to their cats…” Love it! 🙂
That may be my favourite part. Thanks.
Somebody said they saw me
Swinging the world by the tail
You weren’t kidding about this Year of the Cat thing, they’ve really got you by the whiskers, or the short & curlies, some kinda hold on you. Excellent story, best laugh I’ve had this week, and you really went the extra DeMille on the Biblical tone. It put me in mind of The Ark – – Noah sends out a raven, doesn’t come back, sends out a dove, doesn’t come back. He thinks, ok, all’s clear, let us go out then, but it’s the same old world, it was just the d–n cats eating the birds.
Ha! That’s great. Makes total sense.
My cat also enjoyed your tale of cataclysm & catastrophe, especially the ending. I had to remind him, no humans = no laps.
That was awesome.
No, thank YE
Charming. If isolationists we must be, at least we have the power–and so far the ability–to laugh about it.
It’s what we do.
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Brilliant, I laughed all through it. A real tonic!
I couldn’t stop laughing and enjoying every minute of your tale. Now I know how to escape the Corona Blues. Thanks for the Doomsday joy!!!!!
Doomsday Joy is my new band name. Glad you liked.
I must confess that I’m sitting here, watching people being compelled to adjust to staying home, no public gatherings, no shopping, no church, no school – and thinking – “welcome to my world.”
Great piece, and I love the ending. Yay for the cats!
People saying, “I could get used to this.” Amateurs…
a brilliant classic tragedy. their fatal flaw revealed.
So by ‘introverts’ do you actually mean ‘nerds’?
I didn’t mean to but that’s certainly where I ended up.
It’s all good. Nerds rule. Cats though… not so much I think.
Good for you! You finally understand the natural order of things in regard to cats. 🙂
Hey, good one!
Ahhh Ross, Thank you. Needed that LOL today!
A small bitter candle in the darkness.
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This deserves a Pulitzer.
Perhaps not but I appreciate the thought!
Thou didst write full well here and gave unto me a giggle. xx
Blessed am I who receives this comment.
And thus the meek shall inherit the earth.
Yes they shalth.
Ha, ha love it. It’s no surprise that so many introverts are truly excited about lockdown and social distancing as it gives them time to ponder and work on projects. Yes projects, and sketching and music and writing and gardening…aah.
I’m about to change from my daytime sweatpants into my nighttime sweats.
Formal wear eh?
Thanks for the laugh. 😉 I needed that.
Glad to be a small help in these trying times, my friend.
Outstanding saith I from afar.
Verily, I thank thee.
It is strange to say it, I think, enjoying a cigarette helps keep the COVID-19 away.
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this is great, made my day :))
That’s the goal. Enjoy the rest of it. (Or the end of it, global friend.)
How does an extrovert survive this? I’m… asking for a friend.
They stand on their porch and wave at the cars.
And without a porch… they die I assume?
Sorry, man. It’s time for the meeks.
JK, Luckily my inner introvert is remembering video games, crochet, and reading (obvi)!
Anyway, thanks for the funny post and replies to my comments 🙂 They made this working from home a bit more fun
I’m a hero, what can I say.
Seriously: thanks. Stay safe.
When I read “they said to their cats” I laughed so hard my mask fell off.
True story– I left work the other day, walked in the warm sunshine toward my car, listening to the sounds of birds chirping. I took a deep breath as I surveyed the empty parking lot, not a single human being in sight, and I thought, “This is the life, man…”
When I was writing that line, I knew God was real.
I live in such a quiet town, it’s hard to tell anything’s going on. Enjoy! (Enjoy?)
Love this! Cheers to Introverts!!!
Except introverts don’t do toasts. But glad you liked!
The writing and language is goals. I love it! Introverts all the way!
Hip hip hooray for the introvert way
Shhhhh! You’ll draw attention to yourself!
Hahahaha you’re so funny 😀
Haha. Actually, (shhh), I do enjoy the fact that I am not socially obligated to do some of the things I was a few weeks ago. I can say “no” politely, and everyone understands. I’m getting a lot done on my “to do” list that requires I stay at home. I think everyone should try to find the “silver lining” and do things that formerly were more difficult to do in the “go, go, go” society. There are hidden blessings. And for those out of work, I have seen signs for part-time stocking and delivery work. There are options out there. Think of it like seasonal Christmas part-time work as this too, shall pass.
You are a ray of optimism. I hope you are right, that we can all manage to make the best of it and come out stronger.