Week 2: Anxiously refreshing social media to hear the latest updates on the Coronavirus pandemic.
Week 22: Anxiously refreshing social media to hear the latest stupid thing Madonna said.
Week 2: Beginning to master Zoom to facilitate work meetings with colleagues.
Week 22: Drumming up the nerve to say something about colleague’s atrocious home décor.
Week 2: Daughter stoically braving separation from boyfriend like she’s in a romantic movie where lovers are tragically kept apart during wartime.
Week 22: Daughter now in a committed relationship with a body pillow attached to a Javex bottle with Harry Styles’ face on it.
Week 2: Daily briefings by government leaders are informative and reassuring.
Week 22: Daily briefings consist of Today’s Best Pet Videos.
Week 2: Explaining to children that, sorry, it’s not your fault the government has banned public gatherings, it’s just the way it is.
Week 22: Explaining to children that, sorry, it’s not your fault the government has banned loud open-mouth chewing, it’s just the way it is.
Week 2: When working from home, it’s important to replicate as much as possible your workplace routine.
Week 22: What are pants?
Week 2: Watching investments in oil and gas going down, down down.
Week 22: Watching investments in hand cream and sanitizer going up, up, up.
Week 2: “I’ve never truly suffered hardship in my lifetime, so really I see this is an opportunity for emotional growth.”
Week 22: “AAAAAGHHH! I’M OUT OF HAIR GEL!”
Week 2: Difficult though it may be, this crisis is bringing the family closer together.
Week 22: Family members have established independent territorial governments in separate rooms, with the kitchen as neutral territory and frequent, bloody skirmishes in the bathroom.
Week 2: Unable to stop touching face.
Week 22: Still unable to stop touching face.
Week 2: Taking advantage of down time to learn a new instrument, take up painting, maybe write that novel you’ve always had in the back of your mind.
Week 22: Have memorized word-for-word the entire second season of “The Office.”
Week 2: Lying awake at night worrying about the virus, your job, the economy.
Week 22: Napping is now your full time job.
Week 2: Investing in surgical masks to protect against Coronavirus.
Week 22: Investing in earplugs to protect against losing one’s mind in this godforsaken house!
Week 2: Finding creative ways to stay social by getting together with friends online.
Week 22: Finding creative ways to earn an income by selling your kidney online.
Week 2: Improvising a makeshift home gym, because it’s important to stay fit during this indefinite period of isolation.
Week 22: Improvising an elaborate pulley/conveyor system from the kitchen to the sofa, because those bags of Doritos aren’t going to deliver themselves.
Week 2: Recognizing that, as part of the greater good, we may have to sacrifice certain civil liberties in order to combat the threat of this deadly virus.
Week 22: Supreme Leader Donald Trump dissolves Congress and replaces it with an “advisory board” consisting of Ivanka, Jared and the cast of “Big Brother 22.”
Week 2: “I’m growing out my beard!”
Week 22: Divorce papers arrive in the mail.
Week 2: Singing “So Long, Marianne” from apartment balconies.
Week 22: Sending semaphore signals from apartment balconies.
Week 2: Avoiding physical contact with neighbours and joking about it.
Week 22: Avoiding eye contact with neighbours since The Leaf Blower Incident.
Week 2: Expressing disdain for people who violate social distancing guidelines for their own selfish fulfilment.
Week 22: Going to a crowded beach because you’ve really, really earned this.
Week 2: Stocking up on non-perishable staples like dried beans.
Week 22: Still haven’t cooked a single meal using dried beans.
Week 2: Expressing gratitude for universal health care.
Week 22: Putting finishing touches on comprehensive 617-page proposal for universal health cat.
Week 2: Convincing senior parents to heed government warnings and just stay home.
Week 22: Convincing senior parents to heed government warnings and just stay home.