Uber Hugs: Local Affection Delivery

Isolating alone? Putting the “self” in “self-quarantine”? Public health agents watching your every move?

Being by yourself in the time of Coronavirus can be a lonely experience. Couple this with the anxiety of watching the news or listening to world leaders you wouldn’t let organize a silent auction, and sometimes you just need a hug.

Enter Uber Hugs! They’re keen, clean and recently quarantined!

When your mood has been flattened lower than the best-case-scenario infection curve, simply open the Uber Hugs app on your device and one of our nearby huggers will be on their way. The hugsharing app tracks your incoming hug in real time, providing you with a sense of control and an opportunity to put on underwear.

With security, discretion and hand sanitizer, Uber Hugs will be at your door, ready to offer you the increasingly rare pleasure of simple human contact.

But what about the risk of infection? All our huggers are certified by Uber and the Centre for Disease Control to be Coronavirus-free. We ensure that our huggers have self-isolated for 14 days and have not gone for walks with neighbours because “I’m pretty sure they’re safe.”

Our rating system likewise provides you peace of mind that our huggers are comfortable and contagion-free. For example, when you see a five-star Uber Hugger headed your way, you know you’re about to get a heartfelt embrace that will not only wash away your worries about your savings going down the crapper but also won’t put you in intensive care!

In return, our huggers rate you, the huggee! Did you let yourself go with uncontrolled sobbing while clinging a bit too long as you realized how truly lonely you’ve been for years, and it ironically took a global pandemic for you to appreciate it? You’re a four-star customer! Did you remember underwear? Congratulations: five stars!

For a clinch in a pinch, try Uber Hugs!

What’s New

  • Improved handling, deodorant
  • More options (bear hug, buddy hug, head-pat hug)
  • Various bug fixes (flu bug, stomach bug, lice)

Ratings & Reviews

Good clean hug

 

Uber Hugs was just like the microwave meals I’ve been living off of for the past three weeks: fast, easy and slightly above room temperature. My hugger got me there (emotionally) and even pointed out certain little-known features along the way (my chakra is in disarray and my aura has gone all taupe-ish). Hugger was super tidy, although the arm rests were a bit hairy. But he smelled nice (combination of rubbing alcohol and Olive Garden). Would definitely hug again.

 

Shut up and hug!

 

Was feeling a bit down after learning about all these famous people getting sick and Donald Trump wasn’t one of them. And then I felt terrible for thinking that. Then I turned on the news and heard what he said and wished someone would just go up and lick him. I was feeling very conflicted and alone, and my cat was no longer cutting it. So I called Uber Hugs, and they said she’d be there in five minutes, which was just enough time for me to finally brush my teeth. I welcomed her with open arms – literally – but she started going on about how lockdowns don’t work, how there’s already a vaccine but the government is hiding it and how it’ll be impossible to win our civil liberties back now we’ve surrendered them. I finally went in for a hug, which was nice – just to feel another human being during this terrible time. She said, “There, there… there’s another virus coming in 2021, so better get comfortable.” Not very satisfying. If I wanted crackpot theories and awkward conversation, I would have signed in early to a Zoom meeting.

 

Sick!

 

Took an hour to arrive and went to wrong address; scared the hell out of Mrs. Morris. Hugger was dirty, old and smelly! Cigarette butts and candy wrappers everywhere! Barely spoke English and did not follow directions! Coughed all over me and said it was “good cough, not bad cough.” Was not an experienced hugger, definitely did not know his way around! I want to be refunded! And tested!

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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16 Responses to Uber Hugs: Local Affection Delivery

  1. beth says:

    the reviews are my highlight, especially the microwave connection

  2. A taupe aura’s bad, right? I’m gradually taking on the same hue & mottled pattern as my wallpaper. For a little while, it’s amusing to flatten yourself against the wall, and take a selfie, where you’re invisible, but by day fifteen that thrill has palled/paled.
    I loved the huggee reviews, too, readers be warned, you can pull a muscle if you’re laughing while you’re instinctively shrinking away
    I’m unable to determine if people’s behavior has altered here in Milwaukee. I don’t think they’re big huggers anyway, and outside of town, everyone’s still in snowmobile suits & hunting garb, which includes camo face masks & gloves, so hard to tell if they’re taking precautions or just ready for spring turkey season.

  3. Honestly, you should post a trigger warning – or some other sort of reader alert “Caution – do not read while eating lunch.” Now I need to wipe the spewed chicken salad from my monitor.

    Seriously, though, Ross – can’t thank you enough for the comic relief. I might be laughing harder than I should, but I am laughing.

    BTW – I LOVE “A Jerk in Progress” for the the same reasons. Laughs. As the meme says, I may not always LOL, but when I do, I’m reading Ross Murray.

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    The best case scenario curve. Sorry I got lazy with the hyphens but just had to pause, in-medias-res, to comment on that line. You wise ass!

  5. pinklightsabre says:

    My hugger got me there (emotionally)

  6. I tried going every other day with deodorant. I don’t recommend it. Also not recommended: Al Steward earworms. Isn’t dirty old smelly a Canadian rapper?

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