Deus ex Donald

Photo illustration: Yahoo News; photos: AP, Getty Images (2)

“I’ve had many conversations with God, many wonderful conversations. ‘Droopy Jehovah,’ they call him, because he’s not what he used to be. Been at it a long time, the creating and the being worshipped. Created a lot of good things. Not as many good things as I’ve created. Have you seen the job numbers? We created so many jobs. They said we couldn’t do it, but no president in history has created jobs like I got done. Tremendous numbers.

“So God created man and certain living things, he did a good job at that, but he’s tired, okay? He’s tired. And it’s not just me saying that. Many people are saying God is tired. They look around and ask, ‘Where’s God? Has anyone seen God?’ You can’t find him anywhere. It’s a shame. It’s a real shame. So I think there’s a need there.

“But we talk, God and I. Many great conversations. He calls down to me and says, ‘Sir’—and, remember, this is the guy who did some really tremendous work on the universe, some really incredible planets—‘Sir, how come people don’t worship you as a god?’

“And when God asks you that, you have to think. You really have to think about it. Because Droopy Jehovah, he may be older than all of time but he knows a thing or two about worshipping. He’s done some good work with the whole worshipping. So I think about it. Am I worshipped? Sure, I’m worshipped. I’ve had some very good worshipping. I do very well in Michigan. Have you seen those numbers? Incredible numbers. Unbelievable. No one’s seen numbers like that before. Jesus Christ? Did very well in Michigan, very popular. Gets a lot of support there. A little soft on doing things unto others but he’s a good guy. But still, nothing close to the numbers I’m getting.

“So I’m highly worshipped. I do very well with the blacks. Great worshippers the African Americans and also your better Latinos. I get great worshipping from them. The do-nothing Democrats, they don’t get those worshipping numbers, they don’t know how to worship. Terrible worshippers. Such nasty worshippers. Have you seen the worshipping the Democrat governors are doing? It’s a disaster. They didn’t even want to open the churches up during the China virus. We’re going to fix that, believe me.

“Should I be a god? Maybe I should. Many people are saying I should. Maybe I’ll try it. I’ve got the brains, a lot of brains for it, a real talent for the brains. God wrote one good book. Many terrific stories in there, a lot of miracles. A lot of people read that book. But it’s one book. I’ve written many books, nine or maybe even twelve books, all very successful, many top readerships. So I think we all know who knows more about books.

“Infallibility, I got that. No one’s more infallible than me. Never fallibled. If there was any fallible, it was the ‘in’ kind of fallible. You know who was fallible was Blaspheming Hillary. So much fallible.

“And don’t forget, God made a lot of mistakes. A lot of mistakes. The kangaroo. Never worked. Never should have done pouches.

“Plus, you know, God let the Devil in and some very bad people came along. The Devil should never have been allowed, should have been stopped at the source. Very mean, the devil.

“But God’s a nice guy. A real pussycat if you want to know the truth. Smiting. Was very big on smiting back in the day, did a lot of smiting, very heavy in the area of smiting. Hasn’t smited in a long time, though. He’s tired. Believe me, he’s tired.

And they won’t let you smite anymore. The Democrats and the Loony Left, ‘Oh no, you can’t smite little Johnny. Don’t smite little Ezekiel. We want a merciful God, we want a God of love.’ Does everyone need a smiting? I don’t know. I’m not saying they do, but a lot do. Maybe we should try it. I think maybe we should check that out. Maybe pestilence also. I hear they’re doing big things with hornets.

“The Vice-President also has a very good relationship with God, very good friends, and we’re going to be doing some calls, and we’re going to get a phenomenal deal from Him, it’ll make your head spin it’s so good. Heathen Joe Biden could never do a deal like we’re going to do, I will tell you that.

“So I think things are going to happen with me being worshipped as a god. We’ll see. We need to talk to some people but I think in a couple of weeks you’ll see we’ll be getting it done, and I’m going to be a god like we’ve never had. But of course the Lamestream Media won’t tell you that because the only thing they report is Fake Gods.”

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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27 Responses to Deus ex Donald

  1. You’ve sure got his salesman patter down! Hopefully this will be even funnier by next year:)

  2. pinklightsabre says:

    Never should have done pouches, I agree. He (“He”) threatened our governor via the Tweeter (the infinite Internet Scrolls) to ‘stoop’ this craziness here in Washington. Which led to a “stooping” volley. Hard to describe. Should have been there.

  3. rysterr says:

    Entering a dangerous with this piece of shit ……

  4. says:

    One thing is true – God must be tired because I am exhausted. This made me laugh, although it isn’t funny as we all know his zombie followers actually do idolize him. I know because some of them are my family members. For some reason as I read this, I was envisioning it with a cigar in mouth and a Groucho Marx kind of flare, but that is disrespectful to Mr. Marx. Every time he opens his mouth, I cringe and change the channel because I can’t listen anymore – my head hurts too much.

  5. “…the only thing they report is Fake Gods.” = BRILLIANT

    If the man only listened to himself.

  6. fairyknowitalls says:

    Trump rules! Make America great again Trump!

  7. beth says:

    I work with 3-5 year olds every day of the school year, and they have a much high level of clarity and vocabulary skills.

  8. THIS really nailed it and should be an SNL skit. So funny. So painful. Ack Ack!

  9. Trent Lewin says:

    This was… so unnecessary. It’s blasphemy, I tell you! I hope you (and Droopy Donald) are both struck by lightning, preferably the same bolt. Just kidding. It can be different bolts.

  10. cat9984 says:

    Pleas don’t put any ideas in his head

  11. JustBeingMe says:

    🤣 I can imagine this on YouTube! Hilarious!

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