Down with science

Image: gemphotography

I’ve given it a lot of thought, and by that I mean I’ve read some suspect websites, heard my barber say something that made a lot of sense and ultimately decided to “listen to my gut”; I’m giving up on science.

The problem with science, it seems to me—wait, let me rephrase that; I’m an anti-science person now:

Here’s what I know for sure is the problem with science: it’s just opinion dressed up in fancy “theories” and “clinical trials” and “empirical evidence” and other “words” that don’t mean anything unless you have a dictionary. Well, you know what, I’ve got opinions too, and my opinion is just as valid as the next person’s. And because I’m not in cahoots with Big Pharma or even Morbidly Obese Pharma, I’d say my opinion is even valider.

It’s all phenylclairolcolorgirl this and ditrusmonopoutine that with scientists. Half the time they’re just making stuff up to make people like you and me—but especially me—feel inadequate and stupidy.

The other half the time they’re telling us they “don’t know.” They don’t know what causes cancer, they don’t know why the COVID doesn’t seem to affect young people, they don’t know whether aliens are real. (Spoiler alert: they are! And they’re running the government!)

And another half the time they’re just trying to scare us so we become sheep. And you know what happens to sheep? The aliens eat them. LOOK IT UP!

They also eat cats.

I think the business with the COVID is what clinched it for me. We’ve been living with this thing for six whole months and the “scientists” still don’t know how to stop it? Come on! I watch a movie and a scientist played by the actor who takes his shirt off a lot saves the world in an hour and a half! With his shirt off! Do real scientists take their shirts off? Gross, no, we don’t want to see that.

And another thing (which is what we anti-science people like to say), another thing is that scientists don’t give us straight answers about what’s happening with the pandemic. They send out these mixed messages. Like, they wishy-washied for months about wearing a mask, and now that they tell us we should wear a mask, they’ve lost all integrity. If they’d told us right from the start we should wear masks in public, I would have been, “No damn way in hell I’m wearing one!” instead of, “Well, now I don’t know what to believe, so no damn way in hell I’m wearing one!”

Look, God gave me a brain and two eyes and a nose. A tongue. He gave me a certain number of teeth. Also, fingers are very important. The spleen does something? Basically God gave us all these parts so we can experience the world through our own senses and individualisticness. For example, I don’t need to know what causes gravity to understand instinctively I have to move out of the way when my wife drops an anvil on me from our bedroom window. I don’t need to know how anvils are made, either. I only need to know where she orders the anvil from so she stops doing that.

Sure, science can try to tell me that climate change is “real,” but it was cold the other day and it’s the middle of summer. Do they take me for some kind of an idiot? Possibly for wearing shorty-shorts that day, but these calves aren’t going to show off themselves! LOOK AT THEM!

What science is really up to is taking away my rights. They want to wheedle their way into my life and take away my freedom to drink water out of plastic bottles and eat cows and shoot guns at cows. They want to take away my right to live the way our ancestors have for hundreds of years, namely getting horribly sick and dying at a premature age.

Without science weighing me down like the Earth’s gravity “supposedly” does, I’ll be free to do whatever I want, ignoring things like vaccines (because the mere thought of needles makes me feel itchy in my tum-tum). I’ll be able to live the life God wants me to live: without inconvenience and looking out for number one! Also looking out for anvils.

Will I be happier now that I’ve given up on science? Well, the science-deniers I see don’t look especially happy. In fact, they seem to yell a lot. Thankfully, I’ve also decided to take up yelling, SO IT ALL WORKS OUT JUST FINE!

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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23 Responses to Down with science

  1. Clever word inventions. 😂

  2. kristawells says:

    This is hilarious, except that it’s not because it could have spewed out of the mouth of an actual person, not spewed (spewn?) out of the pen (keyboard) of a clever funnyman. I’m weeping. (You did write this, didn’t you? You didn’t just rip of some YouTuber whose handle is mommagonnashootaturkeyforjesus?)

  3. kristawells says:

    Rip off, not rip of. Now who looks stupiD/?

  4. Trent Lewin says:

    I’m going to rip off my shirt and save the day just now, while joining the anti-science movement largely because it would make like just so so much easier and less involved in thinking and the like. Who needs thinking, I ask you???

  5. Oh that anvil thing is so totally Looney Tunes. Perfect. I cannot forget-Don’t drink coffee while reading Drinking Tips for Teens. There are funny spots allover the screen now.

  6. Sheila Moss says:

    A little satire is a dangerous thing, especially when I am not wearing a facemask or rubber gloves. I hope it isn’t contagious.

  7. List of X says:

    Yeah, I don’t get these scientists either. First they make plastic water bottles, and then they say we can’t drink out of them?

  8. caroline reay says:

    Better turn to religion…that has the answers for everything!

  9. cat9984 says:

    I assume your wife drops the anvil on you when she catches you watching Donald Trump

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