“Like That!” Very Good Entertainment Show in Dernovkia!

[Theme Song: Accordions, bouzouki and synthesized drums play an upbeat song. Title flashes on the screen in white block letters: “LIKE THAT!”]

VLAD: Hello, people!

BIANCA:  Everyone, hello!

VLAD: Bianca-a-a?

BIANCA: Vla-a-a-a-d?

TOGETHER: HELLO!

VLAD: Ha-ha-ha! We are good greeters. Welcome, viewers, to “Like That!”, most wonderful entertainment television programming in Dernovkia.

BIANCA: Only Number 2 after top show, “Over There!” But do not worry, beautiful people, we will be Number 1 soon when we run over hosts of “Over There!” with Soviet-era tractor.

VLAD: Bianca, I hope this is not true!

BIANCA: Why not true, Vlad?

VLAD: Rolling over most hated television enemies could make small damages to Soviet-era tractor parts.

[Uproarious recorded laughter.]

BIANCA: Ha-ha! Good joke, fellow host. Now we entertain, yes?

VLAD: Yes! We have many things to show, so let us not waste time frying up the lard sticks. Begin!

BIANCA: I am beginning now, Vlad! First, I show you how to put on mask to protect self and the autonomous social and historical people’s collective from infection of COVID.

VLAD: I am excited to know! Audience: be excited too!

BIANCA: Put mask in hand and search for loopy bits. Ah! There is one!

VLAD: Is there another, Bianca?

BIANCA: Oho! There is another, Vlad, and I have found it. Two loopy bits! Now I will take one loopy bit and put it over ear. And very soon, I will put the second on other ear.

VLAD: But, Bianca, look out! You will be as blind as American capitalists are blind to slow decay of democracy due to unfounded exceptionalism and decadent entitlement!

BIANCA: Not over eyes, silly booska!

[Uproarious recorded laughter.]

VLAD: Ahhh, I see! And you see also, Bianca. Because the mask is covering only nose, mouth and chin area as well as part of supple neck that is envy of all women of child-bearing years in Dernovkia. So you put on face mask like that?

BIANCA: Like That! [White block letters “LIKE THAT” flash on the screen.]

VLAD: Now you will never get COVID!

BIANCA: Never!

[Sound of applause]

VLAD: Oh, Bianca-a-a-a…

BIANCA: What is it, Vlad?

VLAD: Come stand next to me.

BIANCA: Oh, no, Vlad. You cannot trick me, even if you have turnip jelly in pockets for treat! We must stay apart distance of six spleens of goat. For collective good of People’s Semi-Democratic Republic of Dernovkia.

VLAD: And world.

BIANCA [slyly to camera]: Maybe…

[Uproarious recorded laughter.]

[They stand apart.]

VLAD: Like that?

BIANCA: Like That!

[White block letters “LIKE THAT” flash on the screen.]

VLAD: And now, viewing audience, we have special guest!

BIANCA: He is international artist of recordings and winner of Grammy for “I Have Told You Lately That I Am Loving You,” Mr. Van Morrison!

VLAD: Mr. Van is joining us in virtual way on Mooz video linking. Hello, Mr. Morrison, we are welcoming you!

VAN MORRISON: Mmmm yeow yeow misty waters Caledonia mmmm grmmrrrrbbl river saint mystic mmm blllrbrlblbll sugar baby fields mrbbbbblbl…

VLAD: Mr. Van, we are having difficulty with words you are saying. Are you wearing COVID mask that makes understanding difficult?

VAN MORRISON: …Celtic Celticblbll heart moon cat yeah yeah caravan mmooonbmoon honey baby Avalon adfasd mrroowowowowow…

VLAD: Is it video linking of Mooz that is not reliable such as with important school learning at distance?

BIANCA: No, Vlad, it is only because Mr. Van Morrison just sounds like that.

VLAD: Like That!

[White block letters “LIKE THAT” flash on the screen.]

BIANCA: Now is time for final segment: “Not Like That.”

VLAD: Now we do things wrong way! You will be laughing, precious viewer!

BIANCA: I have mask, sanitation jelly for hands and all the spleens of goat to keep socialist distancing. That is how I remain strong, productive member of united people without COVID!

VLAD: Like that, yes!

BIANCA: Uh-oh…! What is this? It is large quantity of grain alcohol. Okay, I drink! [She does so.]

VLAD: I am also saying “uh-oh”…!

BIANCA: Because it is television, I am drunk instantly. And now we dance! Come to me, my little sputnik. [She grabs VLAD.]

VLAD: Not like that! You are forgetting the COVID!

BIANCA: What is COVID when we must sing! We sing together with lips syncing, favourite Dernovkian song: “The Girl Who Is Forced to Marry Old Cossack So Throws Herself Down Well.”

VLAD: Not like that! We ask Mr. Van Morrison to sing song instead…

BIANCA: Soon we put fluid parts together like leaking nuclear reactor…

VLAD: Maybe “Brown Eye Girl”…

BIANCA: You show me bolshevik, I show you apparatchik. Take me to politburo, babka! Yes, like that! Like that!

VLAD [struggling to get away]: It is end of show and flat curve.

BIANCA: GLASNOST!

[Theme music and titles fade out.]

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Reading? Ugh! and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to “Like That!” Very Good Entertainment Show in Dernovkia!

  1. so, the jelly – the turnip jelly to be more precise – tastes good AND disinfects?

  2. We always made rutabaga jam instead, and the disinfectant version, called “vodka.” But both uses for turnips are mentioned in Aleksey Nikolayevich Tolstoy’s retelling of “гигантская репа” You can only eat so much Ragu Iz Ovoshej, as you know.

  3. pinklightsabre says:

    Uh, awesome all around?! Van best part of many best parts and why giggle I with word jelly such?

  4. I’ve been missing Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. But I’ll take Vlad and Bianca since I can’t have Boris and Natasha. Nostrovia!

  5. I immediately envisioned an SCTV “Today Is Moscow” – style broadcast.

  6. beth says:

    sonny and cher, over there

Go ahead, don't be shy.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.