“How do you like my new face mask?”
Hot, hot, hot! That’s what a stove is when you leave the burners on “max,” and that’s how designers in New York, Paris, Milan and Edmonton are describing trends for the fall fashion season as the second wave goes new wave! Join us as our feverish fashionistas put the “Oh!” in “COVID”! Also: don’t get sick and die.
Do You Have a Fever or Is Your Shirt on Fire?
Flonce McManahagn leads the pack with his over-the-top take on tops and off-the-wall whack at bottoms. The bad boy of New York fashion and the better boy of his parents’ Orlando time-share, McManahagn embraces the “never say die” attitude of pandemic deniers by casting aside all common sense and incorporating materials that are not just flammable but highly flammable. But that’s just science’s opinion! Says McManahagn of his Feu de Flonce fall line, “My clothes don’t cause bodily injury; the pre-existing condition of standing next to an open flame causes bodily injury.”
Tip: When the economy finally collapses and the power grid fails, do not leave open flames unattended.
Eye Eye Eye!
Customizing your background for Zoom meetings? Over it. Customizing your eyewear for Zoom meetings? Loving it! He made a splash in the spring with his stunningly impractical rhinestone face shields, now Barclay de Woof is back, this time with fabulously outré spectacles that will simply dazzle your human resources management team as they remotely lay off two-thirds of the work force—again. With a “coronacopia” of styles to choose from, de Woof’s frames dominate the face with asymmetrical flanges, impractical prongs and a light show Thursdays and Fridays at 7 and 9 pm. With those ooo-la-la doodads wildly obfuscating the actual lens space, you aren’t likely to see a thing, just as we aren’t likely to see an end to this pandemic any time soon.
Tip: To prevent glasses from fogging when wearing a face mask, wash your glasses in soapy water, take a regular facial tissue, and then pray that there’s a vaccine sometime in 2021.
The Eight Ball Behind
For aggressively petite French designer Mew-Mew, with her emphasis on course woolen cloth, it’s all about the baize. The upstart of Dijon’s École de mode excrémentale, Madame Mew-Mew takes a “cue” from the game of billiards, exclusively using pool table coverings in her pandemic-ready leisure wear. This trick shot is durable enough for those weeks in lockdown when you simply don’t have the will to change your clothes, yet stylish enough for social occasions like walking to the post office to mail a cheque that has a high probability of bouncing. Stain and Purrell resistant, these uber-wraps caused a stir when they debuted in Los Angeles, mostly because the material is first soaked in muskrat urine to ensure everyone keeps six feet away. Pew-pew, Mew-mew!
Tip: Billiard tables can frequently be found in bars. Stay out of the damn bars.
Moms Just Wanna Sweep Crumbs
Made for mothers forced to work from home because their kids’ school has been shut down after Drayden’s mom simply had to go to karaoke, it’s the Vesterado. Designed by Dolce & Garbanzo, this stylish yet multi-pocketed mid-length overwear doesn’t just say, “I’m ready for anything,” it hisses it through gritted teeth with an edge that could cut the crusts off a PB&J at snack time, which is, what, every 15 damn minutes? The Vesterado comes with lower vinyl panels that are adaptable for solving Grade 4 math problems with dry-erase markers and also splash-resistant for the constant cleaning up that has to be done. The collar, meanwhile, is soft and absorbent for soaking up tears of frustration, while the sleeves are roomy enough for throwing up one’s hands. The ample pockets provide convenient access to the aforementioned snacks, cell phone for keeping in constant contact with work, tissues for what’s probably just a cold (right?) and the remote for enjoying 20 minutes of uninterrupted concentration. One “sighs” fits all. Also comes in a “dad” version, which is essentially a T-shirt with the word “HERO” stenciled across the front for bringing home KFC once a week.
Tip: You can wash your hands over and over for the recommended 20 seconds, but children will still be gross.
Drinking Tips for Teens 
“Coronacopia.” Shameless! You!
I know. And, honestly, it doesn’t work. Every time I came upon it in my revising, I stumbled. Too much work to read. But did that stop me? It did not.
And sometimes I think it’s okay even if it doesn’t work. One of my favorite lessons from my favorite yoga teacher: it’s okay to fall out of the pose in front of your class…gives them permission to, too. Analogy may not entirely hold here either. So I’m getting “meta.” Whoa! Bye for now. Feel like I just farted in your entryway.
Downward, dog.
I would like to order a stylish full Charlie’s Angels style hazmat hose-offable jumpsuit for my daily work with preschoolers.
That should be standard issue.
Hilarious. Swings the virus into a better perspective. Thank you.
Thank you!