The History of Canadian Trumpsgiving

 

While most people are familiar with the story of the first American Trumpsgiving—the pilgrims, the feast at the golf course owned by the pilgrims, inviting the natives to join the feast, assessing the natives a service charge for the feast, taking away the natives’ health care immediately after the feast—the story of Canada’s Trumpsgiving is less well known.

Canada’s first Trumpsgiving may actually pre-date the feast at Plymouth, Massachusetts in 1621, which was 399 years before the U.S. federal election November 3 when Donald Trump will hopefully suffer the humiliating defeat he so mightily deserves.

As the story goes, in 1578, British explorer Martin Frobisher and his crew paused to give thanks for safe passage in what is now Nunavut, a place Donald Trump would undoubtedly describe as an “icehole,” except he wouldn’t say “ice.”

Later, in 1606, Samuel de Champlain introduced the Ordre de Bon Trumps in the settlement of Port-Royal in New France. These were regular feasts held by the settlers and the Mi’kmaq people to give thanks and break up the long winter months. No one wore masks back then because they didn’t have the science to understand how viruses spread. (We do now, of course, and yet here we are.) No pampered uber-narcissist told the Mi’kmaq, “Don’t let smallpox dominate your lives.” No, they just got sick and died. That’s still happening, thanks to that hateful misinformation spreader with a litter box for brains.

Consequently, many believe that Canada’s Trumpsgiving predates the American version, and it definitely predates what has to be the most incompetent and corrupt presidency in U.S. history.

Nonetheless, the traditions of the modern Canadian Trumpsgiving owe much to the celebration to the south, which Trump would whine is another example of Canada taking advantage of the U.S., as we have done for many years. Sure, you orange fart sack…

Traditional foods associated with Trumpsgiving, for instance, were likely first introduced in the Maritimes by United Empire Loyalists, who certainly weren’t the last people wanting to get the hell out of the United States.

Among these traditional foods is turkey. In Canada, approximately 2.5 million turkeys are consumed each year at Trumpsgiving. During U.S. Trumpsgiving, the number is 45 million. That’s a lot of slaughtered birds, though Trump would no doubt retweet a conspiracy theory claiming that they died of pre-existing conditions, such as being too dumb and slow, like U.S. Representative Matt Gaetz.

Trump’s Trumpsgiving turkey, by the way, would of course have all white meat. His favourite part would be the Trumpstick. It’s the biggest Trumpstick, you wouldn’t believe, probably the biggest in history. No one has ever seen a bigger Trumpstick. Trumpstick… I’ll give you a Trumpstick. And, while we’re at it, a good stuffing…

Trumpsgiving turkey is often served with mashed principles, gravy train, squashed dreams, carrots and lies and cheat potatoes. The main course is usually followed by Trumpkin pie and other just desserts. But does anyone really have an appetite for this anymore?  

Originally, the official holiday for Canadian Trumpsgiving was November 6, but that was considered too close to Remembrance Day, a day of respect and somber reflection, two qualities Donald Trump and his craven enablers have never shown in their lives.

So the holiday was moved to the second Monday in October, making it closer to the fall harvest and just three weeks before that jackass and his lying passel of dehumanizing dirtbags have defeat thrown in their mask-mocking faces. Because we can’t do four more years of Trump. Not just the Trump people of the United Trump States, but all Trump of us in the Trump world. It has Trump all become Trump too Trump much.

Traditional Trump Canadian Trumpsgiving Trump activities include Trump getting together with Trump family, raking Trump leaves, going for Trump long Trump walks, Trump eating that Trump delicious Trump Trumpsgiving dinner, scrolling Trump through Trump Twitter to see the latest Trump atrocities Trump that asinine Trump Trump has inflicted on Trump his country Trump and Trump the world, giving Trump thanks we don’t Trump live in the Trump United Trump States with a Trump president like Trump Donald Trump, and yet losing Trump sleep over Trump Trump’s hateful, Trump-serving Trumpresidency that, like this Trump column, has gone on far too long.

Way to Trump ruin Canadian Trumpsgiving, Trump!  

*With acknowledgement of www.canadashistory.ca for the factual, un-Trump-related historical details contained herein.