The Year of the Cat: Third Quarter Summary

Photo/New York Times

Overview

The Household continues to evolve strategic applications vis-à-vis cats, cat-sourcing portfolios and cats as innovative lifestyle narrative.

While 2020 has failed to make up for losses suffered in the fourth quarter of 2019 (RIP Nellie), cats have remained stable at four (4) in the Household through the end of the third quarter. Kitten futures are currently too unpredictable to accurately determine whether there will be an addendum to the Household in 2021. (See Chart 1: “New Cat Convergence Scenarios in Relation to Over My Dead Body”)

With the Household now reconfigured to Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 along with the occasional Child 4 if laundry needs facilitating, cats now dominate the Household as well as most of the pillows. Cats have also established a solid base at the foot of the bed.

Observing consumer trends for filling the cat food dish multiple times a day, there is a strong expectation of continued cat growth in the fourth quarter as well as early 2021, (See Appendix A, “Spouse 1: The Dog Eats Their Food, I’m Sure of It, Look, They’re Hungry”) However, demand may outstrip resources, particularly if outside forces continue to disrupt the food supply chain as we have seen throughout these first three quarters. (See Appendix B, “Spouse 2: I’m Not Filling Your Bowl, Cat, You Can Rub Against My Leg All You Want, I Don’t Care”)

Third-Quarter Activities

• 16% increased penetration of a good night’s sleep through aggregate team-based rotational flowthrough of cats sprawling in the Spousal head-space vector with an accompanying 5% increase of feline wheezing.
• Partnered with local veterinary clinic in exploratory stage of monetization whereby Cat 3 might have gone viral, with synergistic spinoffs that included a) worry and guilt for never having got Cat 3 his shots; b) remembering that Cat 3 is actually Child 2’s cat and we’re just “temporarily” taking care of him for three years now; c) Cat 3 maybe having feline leukemia; d) Cat 3 probably not having feline leukemia, although we could do more tests to be sure; e) not doing more tests; f) Cat 3 suddenly feeling better; g) getting those shots done; h) generating revenue of over $600—for the vet.
• Achieved ongoing marketing benchmarks to promote brand recognition (“The Year of the Cat”) through cat and/or cat-adjacent references in all Thursday postings despite negative-trending public opinion. (See Comment, August 7: “Please Stop”)
• Fleas? Maybe? (See also Prospectus C: “Another $300 for the Vet, Please”)
• Cat naps up 23%; if trend continues, predict that daily sleeptime goals will surpass 100% in second quarter 2021; examining necessity and impactfulness of stimulus package in the form of a tinfoil ball.
• Optimized lap-leaping parameters to repurpose perfectly decent workplace leggings into dynamic aerated casual apparel.
• 10% increase in winding through Spousal legs while going downstairs, though as yet underachieving with 0% injuries and even fewer deaths.
• Incubated all action items for claw-based destruction of furniture/railings/door frames and commensurate decline in home resale value.

Fourth-Quarter Predictions

With cooler weather ahead, we anticipate that the cats will look less to external open-market venues in which to do their business. This will result in the positive right-sizing of neighbour-centric relations, having seen their share of turds in the turnip patch scaling upward these last two quarters. Returning once more to industry-standard litter boxes, we can anticipate a strong uptick in gross domestic product and, when the cats eat something they shouldn’t, even grosser domestic product.

Indicators likewise point to an upward trend in meowing to go outside and immediately wanting back in again, with exploratory market analysis for just standing there undecided with one paw raised while the arctic air rushes in house-wise.

Conclusion

The Year of the Cat is flexibly rooted in the Household paradigm, deploying a vigorous dichotomy of pet-human proximity and ongoing-generated annoyance. The cats have delineated a forth-flowing domestic blueprint that is 30% cuddling (both invited and imposed), 47% listening for the can opener and 16% hairball. However, despite up-pointing matrices, there is a risk-particular possibility of cat stagnation in the Household ethos, whereby the cats no longer disrupt the marketplace but are perceived as little more than self-cleaning furniture.

So maybe a new puppy?