The Year of the Cat: Third Quarter Summary

Photo/New York Times

Overview

The Household continues to evolve strategic applications vis-à-vis cats, cat-sourcing portfolios and cats as innovative lifestyle narrative.

While 2020 has failed to make up for losses suffered in the fourth quarter of 2019 (RIP Nellie), cats have remained stable at four (4) in the Household through the end of the third quarter. Kitten futures are currently too unpredictable to accurately determine whether there will be an addendum to the Household in 2021. (See Chart 1: “New Cat Convergence Scenarios in Relation to Over My Dead Body”)

With the Household now reconfigured to Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 along with the occasional Child 4 if laundry needs facilitating, cats now dominate the Household as well as most of the pillows. Cats have also established a solid base at the foot of the bed.

Observing consumer trends for filling the cat food dish multiple times a day, there is a strong expectation of continued cat growth in the fourth quarter as well as early 2021, (See Appendix A, “Spouse 1: The Dog Eats Their Food, I’m Sure of It, Look, They’re Hungry”) However, demand may outstrip resources, particularly if outside forces continue to disrupt the food supply chain as we have seen throughout these first three quarters. (See Appendix B, “Spouse 2: I’m Not Filling Your Bowl, Cat, You Can Rub Against My Leg All You Want, I Don’t Care”)

Third-Quarter Activities

  • 16% increased penetration of a good night’s sleep through aggregate team-based rotational flowthrough of cats sprawling in the Spousal head-space vector with an accompanying 5% increase of feline wheezing.
  • Partnered with local veterinary clinic in exploratory stage of monetization whereby Cat 3 might have gone viral, with synergistic spinoffs that included a) worry and guilt for never having got Cat 3 his shots; b) remembering that Cat 3 is actually Child 2’s cat and we’re just “temporarily” taking care of him for three years now; c) Cat 3 maybe having feline leukemia; d) Cat 3 probably not having feline leukemia, although we could do more tests to be sure; e) not doing more tests; f) Cat 3 suddenly feeling better; g) getting those shots done; h) generating revenue of over $600—for the vet.
  • Achieved ongoing marketing benchmarks to promote brand recognition (“The Year of the Cat”) through cat and/or cat-adjacent references in all Thursday postings despite negative-trending public opinion. (See Comment, August 7: “Please Stop”)
  • Fleas? Maybe? (See also Prospectus C: “Another $300 for the Vet, Please”)
  • Cat naps up 23%; if trend continues, predict that daily sleeptime goals will surpass 100% in second quarter 2021; examining necessity and impactfulness of stimulus package in the form of a tinfoil ball.
  • Optimized lap-leaping parameters to repurpose perfectly decent workplace leggings into dynamic aerated casual apparel.
  • 10% increase in winding through Spousal legs while going downstairs, though as yet underachieving with 0% injuries and even fewer deaths.
  • Incubated all action items for claw-based destruction of furniture/railings/door frames and commensurate decline in home resale value.

Fourth-Quarter Predictions

With cooler weather ahead, we anticipate that the cats will look less to external open-market venues in which to do their business. This will result in the positive right-sizing of neighbour-centric relations, having seen their share of turds in the turnip patch scaling upward these last two quarters. Returning once more to industry-standard litter boxes, we can anticipate a strong uptick in gross domestic product and, when the cats eat something they shouldn’t, even grosser domestic product.

Indicators likewise point to an upward trend in meowing to go outside and immediately wanting back in again, with exploratory market analysis for just standing there undecided with one paw raised while the arctic air rushes in house-wise.

Conclusion

The Year of the Cat is flexibly rooted in the Household paradigm, deploying a vigorous dichotomy of pet-human proximity and ongoing-generated annoyance. The cats have delineated a forth-flowing domestic blueprint that is 30% cuddling (both invited and imposed), 47% listening for the can opener and 16% hairball. However, despite up-pointing matrices, there is a risk-particular possibility of cat stagnation in the Household ethos, whereby the cats no longer disrupt the marketplace but are perceived as little more than self-cleaning furniture.

So maybe a new puppy?

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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19 Responses to The Year of the Cat: Third Quarter Summary

  1. Wow. Not being too much of a market person, all those numbers and percentages made my head spin a little though it is a clever read. I suffered feline losses as well in the 2nd quarter. My 401(k) is now a 201(K) as Red Ranger my 19 year old orange tabby bit the dust. He’s resting peacefully out back under a pine tree where I interned him tearfully on our acreage. Thanks for bringing all this up again. I’ve noticed the catbox phenomena of turds, (I always thought it was terds,) has decreased exponentially, as well as food consumption. I think the death cycle in a way prepares us for our own. Long live Bella, the calico triumphant remaining. I noticed the lack of political backhands in this article, it must be the year of the Kat. Thanks, Dan

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Heyo. Sorry about your cat loss. We have two sets of two born at the same time, so they could potentially plutz together in close proximity. That’s why I’m reluctant to get more pets: too much grief each time. Thanks for tuning in, Dan.

  2. beth says:

    why not add a small farm animal into the mix and throw the market into a tizzy?

  3. I can absolutely relate – I plan to use Chart 1: “New Cat Convergence Scenarios in Relation to Over My Dead Body” to support my position against adopting more should the local boneheads abandon any more kittens in our yard – current tally 4 as well, and also hungry all the time. Plus don’t get me started on the “carrying the laundry down the stairs while dodging uber affectionate ankle wrapping kitty – the one who usually ignores me until such times.

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    Both invited and imposed. Apply that to our U.S. government why dontcha.

  5. Wow after seeing the market analysis I feel I must avoid investing at this time and stay in the Tropical Fish Market

    Laugh On

  6. My wife and I had a neighbours cat who became a very good friend. She came from 2 doors away and was part of a household of I believe 2 other cats and 4 dogs. Being rather solitary, Lola as she was called, a beautiful slim cuddly black, gradually realised she could find peace with us who had no animals.

    I grew up with cats so this was fine. She ended up only going ‘home’ as it were for meals! Sadly she died last year and we do miss her. I found her dead outside our back door and had to take her round to the neighbours. They knew that Lola had loved us and understood her need for space.

    I hope you will enjoy the ‘new’ bike. I have done a lot of cycling in the past and it really is a great way to get around.

    I have had a quick look at your other posts – I love the Franglais, just up ma rue!!

  7. cat9984 says:

    You should see what the cats say about you in their blog

  8. You must have endured quite a few business meetings, to have this arcane corporate palaver and Power Point Patter down like this. It all sounds so real.
    One thing I wanted to mention, you mentioned strong upticks, and to avoid them, as well as fleas, please use only herbal repellents – – pyrethrin on cats can be toxic, and a forensic veterinarian might detect that, and you’ll have trouble with the SPCA. I use natural blends of basil and mint, which are totally ineffective as repellents, but I hope will make the cats smell tasty to the coyotes.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Aka garnish. (Re the language: much of it is my own but I did turn to jargon/BS generator online for inspiration/theft.)

      • “Garnish: is nice. Like my cat, insisting on the sprig of fresh parsley with his food.
        My first year in college, I always tried to use SAT words like that in every paper. Dichotomy, delineate, convergence. And paradigm. You can’t have too many paradigms. Multi-word-compound-hyphenate-crapola, too. Now I just use big words because I like them.

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