Archie glad I cleaned house?

With no fanfare or warning, an important piece of Murray household history was quietly mothballed Sunday when two beloved Archie Digests were removed from the downstairs bathroom.

The artefacts were displaced by Ross Murray, the household’s co-founder and resident curator, whose job it also is to clean the toilets once a week.

“It was time,” said Mr. Murray. “Those books promoted an outdated hetero-normative social view that both objectified women and promoted unrealistic beauty standards while perpetuating patriarchal gender roles. Plus they were all wiggly from the shower steam.”

The digests were on permanent display for many years on a shelf above the toilet next to the Q-Tips and a basket of half-used hotel soaps. Previously, however, they had been featured in the temporary exhibit, “Things Left On the Toilet Paper Dispenser Shaped Like a Tiny Outhouse” (2014), and also in the earlier conceptual work, “Stop Leaving Books On the Floor for People to Trip Over,” (2009-2018).

While one digest – a B&V Friends Double Digest – was dated only from 2013, the second Archie’s Double Digest No. 169 was published as far back as 2006 and is believed to have been deposited in the downstairs bathroom a short time later. This latter volume was on temporary loan to the upstairs bathroom from 2008 to 2010 before being returned with some water damage.

The exact origins of these two artefacts are unknown, though one theory suggests they were tossed onto a grocery store checkout when a household parent wasn’t looking and then, you know, once they discovered it, they couldn’t put it back because then they’d look like a heel in front of the cashier who they play volleyball with, plus it’s a small town and it’s only, what, five bucks?

Today, the two volumes are evaluated to be worth upwards of zero dollars and zero cents.

Once beloved enough to prompt the frequent cry, “Are you doing anything in there or are you just reading Archies?”, in recent years the digests have fallen out of favour, what with the shift from paper-based plumbing-centric distractions towards digital-format washroom diversions.

In addition, apparently there is now a live-action Archie series that involves sex and murder and somehow Jughead is hot?

With none of the household children remaining at home fulltime, unrealistic tales of drama-free casual dating went unread, as had the exploits of teenage witches and their talking cats, and of course Archie, both normal size and Little. And yet the digests remained there next to the tube of Polysporin (2001; expired), which says something about their sentimental value as well as Mr. Murray’s cleaning skills.

Despite the current disinterest in Weatherbeethan sagas, the digests’ removal from the downstairs bathroom did raise concern, as news quickly spread to the former household children because Dad sent a group text. “I know there’s been a lot to process this past year,” he wrote, “but I wanted to let you know that I’ve removed the Archies from the downstairs bathroom.”

“Big move,” eldest daughter Emily stoically replied.

“Wow,” said middle daughter Katie, without having the decency to temper the ambiguity of said “wow” with some kind of emoji.

“Don’t throw them out,” said son James, who’s not big on change.

Perhaps too emotionally stricken to text an “OMG” or even a “B&V,” youngest daughter Abby did not reply. So this writer has made up words for her instead:

“The household has no respect for our cultural heritage or bathroom reading material,” she didn’t say. “Even before I could read, the Riverdalean antics of Reggie, Big Ethel, et al revealed to me that I was clearly a Betty with Veronica aspirations.”

She did not continue: “I had hoped that one day I would be able to share this glimpse into the human condition with my own daughter so that she too could learn to manipulate boys and be manipulated in turn. Now I’ll have no option but have her watch ‘Friends’ instead.”

Mr. Murray noted that, while the Archies had been removed from the bathroom, they had been placed in a secure location, namely on the living room book shelf with the old Calvin & Hobbes books and Mr. Murray’s own journals of adolescent-era cartoons that, honestly, showed real promise back in the day.

“This is the Murray household,” he said. “Nothing gets thrown away. Plus, there’s still a Double Digest in the upstairs bathroom, and that one’s from 2002.”

Asked if that digest would be retired as well, Mr. Murray promised he would get to it.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Family - whadya gonna do?, It Could Happen... and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Archie glad I cleaned house?

  1. Your momentous Translation of Relics may have to be revisited, if the toilet paper shortage rears its ugly, ok, don’t remember how that phrase goes, actually, something about ugly rearing. But perhaps the Archies should stay in the bathroom, especially if they’re already damp & puckered, that kind of absorbing tales/wood pulp fiction, may have to be sacrificed. NOT Calvin & Hobbes, I still love those stories, and learned a lot more than I ever did from John Calvin.

  2. pinklightsabre says:

    Hi! Happy birthday season to you. I’m reading your blog on a big screen for the first time now and there’s an image behind the page with a box of multi-colored, labeled beads. Do you know anything about that? It’s mystifying.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Long-time caller, first-time viewer. It’s exactly that: boxes of beads from a craft store in Ottawa. I took that about 8 years ago just because I liked the colours. Much like the name of this blog, making it the background was an impulse decision at the time. It holds up, though.

  3. Susan Carole Mastine says:

    Fun!

  4. Gavin Keenan says:

    A nice illustrative piece. A photo of the “Toilet Paper Dispenser Shaped Like a Tiny Outhouse,” would have added depth and perspective.

  5. beth says:

    the double edition left in place is still in its early days, and has not had time to properly ferment. it’s day will come…no one can duck the reaper forever

  6. I am shocked an a bit reviled at Mr. Murray’s decision to remove the Archie’s. 2020 has been a hard year and the innocent antics of Archie and Jughead should stand as a pillar of consistency in these troubling times. I consider the Riverdale TV series blasphemous. However you did redeem yourself when you mentioned the great Bloom County. Hence you are forgiven this time, but let us never speak of this heresy again.

    Stay well and Laugh

  7. byebyebeer says:

    I’m relieved at the ending. A Calvin & Hobbes exhibit might really draw them in.

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