It’s Not Over Until I Say It’s Not Over

I won that game of Monopoly on Boxing Day. I won. It’s as clear as anything I won. I had Park Place, I had Boardwalk, I had so many railroads you wouldn’t believe. I had many, many other very successful properties, many great properties. So of course I won. They had Marvin Gardens? No one in the history of Monopoly has ever won with Marvin Gardens, you can look it up. So there’s something wrong there, and people should look into it.

The only reason they’re saying they won is because they had more money than me and I went bankrupt, and the reason for that is because they kept sliding the “taxes” and other payments under Free Parking, which is illegal, highly illegal. They called it a “house rule,” can you believe it? A house rule. Whose house? An illegal house. It’s criminal what they did, and no one’s talking about it. Nearly two weeks after Boxing Day and they refuse to talk about it.

It’s a disgrace what they did to the game. It’s disrespectful to the tokens, to the little car and the little iron and the little thimble, which was a name one of my many, many very attractive old girlfriends used to call me, by the way. And it’s disrespectful to the Monopoly man, Mr. Penny Launderer, I think they call him, terrific guy, great friend.

So look, all I want to do is find a different roll of the dice, a more honest roll, so that back in that game I didn’t land on Marvin Gardens. All I need is one square higher. Because I won the game.

*

The people of this company are angry. Your customers are angry. And there’s nothing wrong with saying, you know, you hired the wrong guy five years ago. I gave a beautiful, perfect interview. No one had more references than me, top references. There’s no way I didn’t get that job. I got the job.

Did you check the references of the other guy, the one they’re claiming you hired? Half of those references are dead. Because they died since you hired him? You don’t know that. You don’t know if they were dead before or after. You can’t know that. But people are saying you should look into it.

The fact that I’m here today, five years later, still asking, means I want the job more. I don’t see the other guy in here asking for it. What do you mean, because he already has the job? If he had the job, I wouldn’t be in here asking for it.

*

I think it’s pretty clear that you did not dump me in high school. We dated very substantially, you and I. Look, here’s a picture of us at a prom, and we are looking very happy, probably the happiest people. And it’s just not possible you dumped me. It’s not possible. Not after you called me a Your Little Thimble.

And if you’re honest about it, we’re still dating to this very day. There’s actually 100 percent chance we’re married. We’re married, no, we are, we’re married.

And there are people, many smart people, who say they have seen photos of us enjoying time together on my Facebook page. Very clearly it’s your face on top of what is obviously your body and not something that’s been Photoshopped. It’s all there. But where are the photos of you or anyone else for that matter breaking up with me while I’m behind the cash at Dairy Queen and I start balling my eyes out right there on the spot? They don’t exist. Zero evidence.

Your being married to someone else and having children with him, that’s a criminal offence. That’s a big risk to you.

*

Now, do you think it’s possible that I was born first, Mom? Because that’s what the rumour is. That I’m not the youngest at all but the eldest. And that all my siblings are machines. Because they’re doing lots of things very fast to prove they’re not machines. But that’s exactly what you’d expect machines to do. Do you know anything about that? Because that’s illegal, robot children, right?

Okay, but maybe some of their inner parts are machine. They could do that. They could replace them. And we’d never know.

And now my siblings are saying, “Oh, we’re just having standard medical procedures.” Yeah. With machine parts.

You know who’s not having standard medical procedures is me, and I’m the oldest. That’s what I’m hearing anyway. And if I’m not having standard medical procedures, they’re sure as hell not having standard medical procedures, being younger, and machines. So there’s something not right there, very incorrect, definitely something to look into.

Why do you keep fighting this thing, Mom? It just doesn’t make sense.

***

Note: I wrote this Monday for Thursday publication, knowing that by then that the news cycle would likely have left Trump’s Georgia phone call in the dirt. I had no idea… As the expression goes, that escalated quickly.