I won that game of Monopoly on Boxing Day. I won. It’s as clear as anything I won. I had Park Place, I had Boardwalk, I had so many railroads you wouldn’t believe. I had many, many other very successful properties, many great properties. So of course I won. They had Marvin Gardens? No one in the history of Monopoly has ever won with Marvin Gardens, you can look it up. So there’s something wrong there, and people should look into it.
The only reason they’re saying they won is because they had more money than me and I went bankrupt, and the reason for that is because they kept sliding the “taxes” and other payments under Free Parking, which is illegal, highly illegal. They called it a “house rule,” can you believe it? A house rule. Whose house? An illegal house. It’s criminal what they did, and no one’s talking about it. Nearly two weeks after Boxing Day and they refuse to talk about it.
It’s a disgrace what they did to the game. It’s disrespectful to the tokens, to the little car and the little iron and the little thimble, which was a name one of my many, many very attractive old girlfriends used to call me, by the way. And it’s disrespectful to the Monopoly man, Mr. Penny Launderer, I think they call him, terrific guy, great friend.
So look, all I want to do is find a different roll of the dice, a more honest roll, so that back in that game I didn’t land on Marvin Gardens. All I need is one square higher. Because I won the game.
The people of this company are angry. Your customers are angry. And there’s nothing wrong with saying, you know, you hired the wrong guy five years ago. I gave a beautiful, perfect interview. No one had more references than me, top references. There’s no way I didn’t get that job. I got the job.
Did you check the references of the other guy, the one they’re claiming you hired? Half of those references are dead. Because they died since you hired him? You don’t know that. You don’t know if they were dead before or after. You can’t know that. But people are saying you should look into it.
The fact that I’m here today, five years later, still asking, means I want the job more. I don’t see the other guy in here asking for it. What do you mean, because he already has the job? If he had the job, I wouldn’t be in here asking for it.
I think it’s pretty clear that you did not dump me in high school. We dated very substantially, you and I. Look, here’s a picture of us at a prom, and we are looking very happy, probably the happiest people. And it’s just not possible you dumped me. It’s not possible. Not after you called me a Your Little Thimble.
And if you’re honest about it, we’re still dating to this very day. There’s actually 100 percent chance we’re married. We’re married, no, we are, we’re married.
And there are people, many smart people, who say they have seen photos of us enjoying time together on my Facebook page. Very clearly it’s your face on top of what is obviously your body and not something that’s been Photoshopped. It’s all there. But where are the photos of you or anyone else for that matter breaking up with me while I’m behind the cash at Dairy Queen and I start balling my eyes out right there on the spot? They don’t exist. Zero evidence.
Your being married to someone else and having children with him, that’s a criminal offence. That’s a big risk to you.
Now, do you think it’s possible that I was born first, Mom? Because that’s what the rumour is. That I’m not the youngest at all but the eldest. And that all my siblings are machines. Because they’re doing lots of things very fast to prove they’re not machines. But that’s exactly what you’d expect machines to do. Do you know anything about that? Because that’s illegal, robot children, right?
Okay, but maybe some of their inner parts are machine. They could do that. They could replace them. And we’d never know.
And now my siblings are saying, “Oh, we’re just having standard medical procedures.” Yeah. With machine parts.
You know who’s not having standard medical procedures is me, and I’m the oldest. That’s what I’m hearing anyway. And if I’m not having standard medical procedures, they’re sure as hell not having standard medical procedures, being younger, and machines. So there’s something not right there, very incorrect, definitely something to look into.
Why do you keep fighting this thing, Mom? It just doesn’t make sense.
Note: I wrote this Monday for Thursday publication, knowing that by then that the news cycle would likely have left Trump’s Georgia phone call in the dirt. I had no idea… As the expression goes, that escalated quickly.
I appreciate your satiric touch, Ross. Now your neighbors to the south move forward …
Here’s to that. Stay safe.
Great piece. Enjoyed it bigly. Of course I did, I as good as wrote it. You were inspired by me, I could have dictated it, in fact there are rumors I did. You have no evidence, I did not. Prove it that I have not written it in my head and then told you to write down my great words. You took a big risk there.
This all would have been much funnier three days ago. (Hi Fran, Happy New Year.)
Oh, we can atill laugh a bitter laugh how that orang achieves to kill off his own supporters.
Oh, and Happy New Year to you and your family and pets, too! Yes, after the death of the Trump supporter I was still not as upset as I was when I heard today that one of the policemen had passed away after being hurt.
Then to see a video how Capitol police officers take selfies with rioters, that makes me sick. Those colleagues should be banned from the funeral of their colleague!
Interpretation needs context, but, yes, some things are hard to understand. Happy New Year to you as well, Fran!
In our house, we both figured yesterday would have been a big ol’ nothing burger. Turned out to be a whopper.
As much as I enjoy your ability to channel the guy, I do look forward to the time when he is very, very, old news.
Alas, that may be a long, long time away.
Your timing was greatly done
It was a perfect, beautiful timing.
Love the title, best title ever. Glad for the note too because I know how you operate on a week to week basis so I was curious about it, you know. And how you pull off his voice, brilliant.
I knew with Georgia and the certification my timeliness would take a hit, but this!
Yeah. There’s the thing and then there’s the response to the thing. And I’m feeling sad I may be more disappointed by the latter.
Agreed that you captured his voice quite well. Favorite line: “We dated very substantially, you and I.”
The source text is rich in possibility.
Nice work, a laugh I needed.
Glad it was good for something. Thanks.
You know, in hearing words like these most people could take them for what they are. Yet somehow the reception is different when the Grand Cheeto utters them. I don’t get it. Sigh…
Well done, by the way. I enjoyed this.
Hi Twindaddy. Been a long time.
It has. Life has been hectic. Glad to see you’re still around.
Is it OK to be entertained and amused by the satire yet simultaneously deeply depressed?
That’s satire, baby.
With your satirical voice you should have been born an American. Tell you what I’ll trade you, and I bet there’s less snow at my house too. So now I’m Canadian and your get to live under Trash. Oops I mean Trump
Continue to laugh
Hey, man, lots of Canadian satirists. You need a good sense of perspective to live in a place this cold.
Drat I was hoping you’d help me escape
“And that ‘Go directly to jail, do not collect $200k presidential pension’ never happened. And if it had, I told them that I could absolutely pardon myself, and I am the only one who should be allowed to, and I can move very strongly on that”.
Ha! Nice. Glad you caught the “Go to Jail” just one up from Marvin Gardens.
I definitely think you won at Monopoly. Definitely. What was it your past girlfriend called you, though? Please tell me it wasn’t “little thimble”
Actually, we used to play Clue; she called me “Miss Scarlet.”
Excellent one! I always enjoy the thimble things in life. Thimble jokes, thimble meals (?!), thimble times.