Pour Some Sugar in Me

I’m a father. I like sugar. I’m a sugar daddy.

No? Not how that works? I do like my sweets, though. Always have. I don’t know where the sweet tooth comes from, whether it’s something I was born with or the result of my upbringing—nature versus NutraSweet. Our mother did serve us desert after most meals growing up, but I think it’s going too far to declare my gateway drug was Pineapple Upside-Down Cake.

In fact, other than Mom’s own baking there weren’t a lot of sweets in the house, which is why my brother and I were sometimes reduced to rooting out the secret location of the chocolate chips. I remember one time taking a crack at block of Baker’s unsweetened chocolate, not a mistake I went on to repeat.

During our annual three-week vacation to the cottage, on the other hand, there was candy and chips and even pop! Ben’s sticky buns! All the good stuff we never had the rest of the year. I remember coming home after the three weeks and always feeling the house seemed a little different, and I am only now wondering if it wasn’t merely because I was peaking on a 21-day sugar high.

The rest of the year (besides the aforementioned desserts and contraband Chip-Its), sugar intake involved trips to Jim’s One Stop. As a teenager, many a Friday night concluded with a tin of A&W Root Beer and a pack of Junior Mints while watching “SCTV,” because that’s just how popular I was.

But I never felt like sweets were always present, nor do I feel like I had to have sugar all the time.

Ten years ago, though, I stopped drinking alcohol. No sweat. Giving up alcohol was relatively easy for me. The sugar in alcohol, on the other hand, forget it. I was immediately jonesing for jelly beans.

I wonder sometimes if sugar wasn’t around whether I would miss it, but it is always here. We have what we call the junk drawer that is literally filled with junk food. It’s not necessarily my doing.

“Why do you buy it?” I ask Deb.

“In case I want it.”

“But I end up eating it.”

“Well, don’t eat it.”

But she never does eat it, and it just sits there, until I eat it, and then she immediately asks, “Where’s my [food-like item that is really bad for humans]?”

Last of the Halloween candy

Then there are the seasonal treats. We still have Halloween candy, not because we’ve been rationing it but because we bought so much, and then the kids didn’t show up, which meant someone had to eat it (me). And then Halloween candy season ran into birthday candy season, which segued stickily into Christmas candy season. We’re still feeling the repercussions of that. And now we’re on the verge of Valentine’s candy season, which is really just a prelude to Easter candy season. After that, we’re safe for awhile, although we’ll probably still have Halloween candy til June. (The mini Crispy Crunch bars, the very last to go.)

Just today, as I write this, I thought I would try no sugar to see how that would go. But it was someone’s birthday at work, and there were brownies, and I didn’t want to be rude. Then at lunch, the cafeteria had chocolate pouding chomeur (brownies in sauce), and it was right there, so I had to pick it up, obviously. Then there was that bag of mixed candy on my desk, just a few left, so it only made sense to polish those off—you know, declutter my workspace.

The evenings are always bad. Just now, I hacked off a piece of dark chocolate almond bark left over from Christmas. It tastes ashen at this point, like something left in a drawer too long (a junk drawer to be specific). But I ate because it was after eight. We also have After Eights.

Sugar is a vice, but I think it’s my only vice. And at my age, aren’t I allowed at least one vice? If I want cookies-and-cream ice cream, shouldn’t I be able to have cookies-and-cream ice cream? If I decide to squirt Cool Whip on top of it to create cookies-and-cream-and-cream ice cream, shouldn’t I be considered a genius? Yes, I should.

They say if you give up sugar you’ll sleep better, have more energy and be less moody. I’m 55 years old; I don’t see any of those things happening with or without sugar, so pass me the Junior Mints and shut up while I pass out watching John Candy.

(Mmmm… Candy…)

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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25 Responses to Pour Some Sugar in Me

  1. markbialczak says:

    Yeah, the doc told me to stop when I went in for my turned-40 physical and that sugar reading was too high, Ross. Lotta years ago. Miss those tubs of Ben and Jerry’s still.

  2. Sugar daddy 😂
    PS the Crispy Crunch bars are the FIRST to go here at my house. 😎

  3. I have the same problem. And nobody better tell me to just go get a piece of fruit, instead. Fruit sugar is not good sugar.

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    Last night we broke out a stash of uneaten Christmas stocking candy, the chocolate covered snowmen were starting to “widow.” I had the same when I stopped drinking. Funny, that. I find pitted dates help. Then I cap that off with a swig of cod liver oil I keep in the fridge. And then I drop a brick on my toe and go to bed.

  5. Funny but I find I can resist candy for a whole hour without any problem at all. However I am addicted to Ice Cream If it’s in the house It’s in my tummy

    Laughing is fun Try It soon

  6. beth says:

    I’m a crunchy, greasy, salty foos nut, and can’t have bags of these things in my house. how do people actually just eat a few chips and close up a bag for another day? it calls my name and I know it’s there even if I’ve hidden it from myself. and chocolate –

  7. Lindsey D says:

    I am day 39 of a 40-day sugar fast. Admittedly, sweets aren’t a huge staple of my life (sorry…sorry) but I also took out alcohol and carbs which, in contrast, ARE huge staples in my life. I can tell you, the first 10 days was BRUTAL but right now, I feel amazing. I do have that extra energy, I am sleeping better, and my mood is vastly improved. So much so, that while I’m going to break the fast for Valentine’s Day, I intend to continue to a degree going forward because I just don’t want all the positive affects to go away. I know this comment runs a bit contrary to your post because, you’re right, we should be allowed some vices but if you’re thinking of trying a no-sugar fast/diet, count me as one of the converts. It really works!!

  8. cat9984 says:

    That’s interesting. When my dad gave up drinking he went for jelly beans too. Maybe because they’re one step below mainlining sugar

  9. I avoid sugar on political, environmental, and moral grounds. Not to sound all preachy, but I only use non-coercively-gathered honey from free-range aphids. These aphids were exploited by Aphid-Herding Ant colonies, and our organization rescues and rehabilitates them, and then gently readies them for independent life in the wild.
    But then they’re usually eaten by ladybugs. And we’re not allowed to swat them – ladybugs have a tremendously powerful lobby, because ill-informed people think they’re cute. So all in all, it’s a pretty labor-intensive process. But at least I enjoy my sugar guilt-free, a whole other level of sweetness.

  10. Sheila Moss says:

    Sugar is actually addictive. It creates a short-term high and spurt of energy. I suppose it is less harmful than other things you can be addicted to, though. At least it won’t cause you to be arrested.

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