[Scene: Inside a secret government compound, Patchogue]
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: Dammit, Billy Joel! You’re the only man who can save Long Island from being wiped off the face of the Earth by that rampaging giant lizard! Godzilla has already stomped Sagaponack and is currently quashing Quogue.
BILLY JOEL: General, I told you, I’m retired from the monster-slaying game. Let the younger troubadours save the world for a change. Have you tried Bruno Mars?
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: Young musicians… they don’t have your work ethic, your knowledge, your arsenal of laser cannons. It’s you, Billy Joel. You defeated Godzilla before and you can do it again.
BILLY JOEL: But, General. A man only writes a song like “We Didn’t Start the Fire” once in his lifetime.
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: And it crushed him! He couldn’t withstand that musical onslaught and he retreated to the sea.
BILLY JOEL: But I haven’t made a pop song for 30 years… What do I write? “We Still Didn’t Start the Fire”?
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: No!
BILLY JOEL: “Godzilla Started the Fire”?
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: Dammit, Billy Joel, no! Something good, like the old stuff.
BILLY JOEL: All right! I’ll do it! But I’m going to need some help…
[Cut to partially pulverized pub (Poquott), where BILLY JOEL plays an upright piano. It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday. Between playing, he casually munches bread from a jar. A voice comes from behind.]
VOICE: Billy Joel, you son of a bitch!
BILLY JOEL [without turning]: Legendary jazz saxophonist and “Just the Way You Are” soloist Phil Woods. I thought you were dead, according to your Wikipedia page.
PHIL WOODS: That’s what they want you to believe.
BILLY JOEL: Is this madness, Phil? What we’re trying to do?
PHIL WOODS: Defeat a giant radioactive lizard using the 70’s-style easy-listening musical renderings of one of America’s great songwriters with the additional help of laser cannons? Probably. But if anyone can do it, it’s you, Billy Joel.
BILLY JOEL: Hey, I’m not just another pretty face.
VOICE: No, but I am.
BILLY JOEL: Christie Brinkley!
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: Hello, William.
BILLY JOEL: I knew I could count on you, Christie. My muse! My Uptown Girl.
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: Cut the shit, Joel. I’m only doing this for the money.
BILLY JOEL: Well, we’re going to need all the help we can get. It’s just the three of us versus a raging reptile.
BILLY JOEL: Chuck Norris!
PHIL WOODS [aside]: Can anybody just walk into this place…?
BILLY JOEL: What are you doing here?
CHUCK NORRIS: Thought you could use a little fire power. [He chops the air with karate chops.]
BILLY JOEL: All right, team, let’s get to work!
[They begin to exit.]
PHIL WOODS: I’m pretty sure it’s “reptile with amphibious qualities”…
[Cut to training montage, accompanied by pumped-up music (Phil Woods wailing on saxophone, sweaty and shirtless). Billy Joel scribbles on paper before crumpling it into a ball in frustration; Phil Woods runs on treadmill, still playing sax, still sweaty; running gag of Chuck Norris hitting on Christie Brinkley, her slapping him.]
[Scene: Long shots of Godzilla smooshing Southampton. Fire, smoke and devastation are all around. In slow motion, Team Joel approach in radiation suits.]
BILLY JOEL: Watch out for his atomic breath!
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: I slept next to you for ten years; I think I’ll be okay.
[Godzilla approaches Team Joel threateningly.]
CHUCK NORRIS: I’ll distract him while you set up your smooth 70s instruments.
[He switches on jet pack and flies off to engage Godzilla with a series of mid-air karate chops. BILLY JOEL sets up a Fender Rhodes while PHIL WOODS gets his sax reed nice and moist. CHRISTIE BRINKLEY assumes fighter pose.]
PHIL WOODS: See you on the other side, man.
BILLY JOEL: I’m getting too old for this shtick.
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: He’s coming!
CHUCK NORRIS [from above]: My karate chops are proving ineffective.
BILLY JOEL: Hit it! [He counts off.] A-one and a-two and a-one two…
[BILLY JOEL begins singing a slow ballad entitled “Always A Woman in an Italian Bistro to Me, Honestly.” Godzilla stops in his tracks, moved by a deep nostalgia for a simpler time when the world had a place for sentimental pop music, soaring sax solos and unlimited cocaine.]
CHUCK NORRIS: Now that’s the Billy Joel sound!
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: I’m not sure that’s a thing.
[A docile Godzilla teeters on the edge of a dock.]
BILLY JOEL: NOW, CHRISTIE!
[CHRISTIE BRINKLEY fires the laser cannon. Godzilla falls backwards into the sea and sinks from view.]
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young, bitch!
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: I’m not sure that applies here.
CHUCK NORRIS: You did it, Billy Joel. You saved Long Island.
BILLY JOEL: No. We saved Long Island.
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY: I’ve always loved you, Billy Joel.
BILLY JOEL: Well, I guess it’s back to playing audience favorites on sold-out tours.
[Enter GENERAL FORTISSIMO.]
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: Hold on, Billy Joel. We just received word that Reptilicus has emerged from the Danube and is heading towards the capital.
BILLY JOEL: You mean?
GENERAL FORTISSIMO: Vienna waits for you.
PHIL WOODS [to camera]: Here we go again!
[Freeze. And credits.]