I’m back, and I’ve brought homework

Hello, bonjour and – for our American-speaking friends – hello!

I am very pleased to return to the pages of Townships Weekend.* Since taking my three-month sabbatical nineteen months ago, I have come to several realizations: A) the pandemic was a bad time to open my restaurant, Red Onion In Everything; B) these eyebrows aren’t going to groom themselves; and C) this column shouldn’t be about what I want but what you, the reader, wants.

Please take a few minutes, therefore, to answer this brief survey in order to help me maximize user-driven readerliness and content contentment for your pleasuredom.

  1. My preferred title for this column:
    1. Ross Murray Does It Again
    2. Rossageddon 2: The Final Deadline – This Time It’s Personal 3D
    3. Oh God, Not Him Again
    4. Other (That’s not a request for suggestions but a proposed title of the column.)

  2. The headshot accompanying this column makes me think of:
    1. That kid in elementary school, you know the one.
    2. Fermentation.
    3. John Hamm, or at least a 33% match with John Hamm according to a celebrity lookalike app I ran my face through, although I’m not buying it for a second.
    4. A rollicking good time discussing the pros and cons of the Oxford comma.

  3. I would like this column’s focus to be:
    1. Hard-hitting political analysis.
    2. Hard-politicking hitting analysis.
    3. About a pair of adorable talking kittens named Scrubs and Doodles.
    4. Do you ever think about toothbrushes? They’re kind of gross.

  4. What I like best about Ross Murray’s column is:
    1. His terrific sense of humour, razor-sharp wit and dazzling wordmanshipness
    2. His humility
    3. The ongoing spectacle of his cognitive decline
    4. His extended sabbaticals

  5. I would like to read more columns about:
    1. Ross’s new granddaughter
    2. Any granddaughter, as long as she’s Ross’s and she’s new-ish
    3. The daughter of Ross’s daughter
    4. I mean, we worry so much about spreading germs but then we take toothbrushes, swirl them around in our mouths for a while and put them back in a holder where they nestle up against other disgusting toothbrushes. And we don’t even rinse them in hot water. A little swirl in cold water and “Catch ya later, staphylococcus!”

  6. Which of the following phrases best describes your political leanings?
    1. Dismantle the patriarchy, eat the rich, see you in yoga class.
    2. If it ain’t broke, don’t woke it.
    3. Vaccines are a plot to magnetize us all perpetrated by dictator Justin Trudeau who is actually Hillary Clinton’s emails in sentient form (details of which I have spraypainted on my pickup, currently blocking traffic).
    4. The jerks from high school are running the world.
    5. I am the jerk from high school.

  7. It bothers me that there was a fifth option for that last question.
    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. Is this part of the readership survey?
    4. No, I’m just curious.

  8. In terms of tone, my expectations are:
    1. Keep it light; there’s enough seriousness in the world.
    2. Life has its challenges, and it’s reasonable to reflect that sadness sometimes.
    3. Fart jokes!
    4. And then there are the mystery toothbrushes. “Whose toothbrushes are these?” you ask, and after a head count, you come up with one unclaimed toothbrush. Where did that come from and who’s been using it? Or worse, you come up short! Who’s been sharing whose toothbrush!

  9. I would like to know more about how gross toothbrushes are.
    1. Yes, please!
    2. Is it really going to be like this every week?
    3. You ever brush your teeth and think, “Wait, this doesn’t feel right…” and you realize it’s not yours. So, what do you do? Rub it clean under the water (cold) and stick it back without mentioning it. Admit it.
    4. The other day, I dropped a toothbrush onto the filthy bathroom floor and just plunked it back in the cup. Granted, it wasn’t mine…

Thank you for completing the survey. Please mail your answers to me along with $5 in cash (no coins!). I haven’t earned any writing income in nineteen months and Grampa needs a new pair of shoes! And a toothbrush.

* This piece originally appeared in Townships Weekend, published by The Sherbrooke Record. I’ll be appearing there (and here) every two weeks until one or the other of us runs out of steam. 

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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31 Responses to I’m back, and I’ve brought homework

  1. Joy Blake says:

    In no particular order, here are my answers to your questions: 3, 1, 2, 4, 7 (was there a question with 7 choices?), 2, 1, 4, 3. (When in doubt, choose option 3)

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    Hello, welcome back and hello! Great to see your Ross Raffi mug back in my feed. I know it’s still a few years away but I can’t wait to start hearing about your granddaughter’s toothbrush!

  3. Excellent! So glad to see this. Ross Murray is back and right into the thick of it, pivotal periodontitical issues, diving into dental, climbing the cusps, winning a crown, the guru of gumminess, the potentate of palates, the mikado of molars. fuhrer of flossing, etc. And what a cute baby!

  4. Wendy King says:

    I’m so glad you’re back! And congratulations on being a grandfather. I’m kind of afraid that it is the daughter who was my student who is now a mother…. which means I’m getting old. Thanks for giving me today’s chuckle 🙂

  5. Thelma says:

    Glad you are back, Ross, we all need your wit and grandbaby stories!

  6. Congrats on the lovely grandmunchkin! So glad you are back – it’s nice to see a familiar face in blogland. I’m a GenXer, so anything you write about will be just fine. You know, whatever.

  7. Lex Leclerc says:

    This is so funny! I can’t wait to hear more about toothbrushes, but my absolute favorite part of the post was when the answers to the questions started to have a conversation within themselves, “Is this part of the readership survey?”
    “No, I’m just curious.” Thanks for the morning lift. I’m going to go brush my teeth now.

  8. Twindaddy says:

    You sound familiar….

  9. Gavin Keenan says:

    Glad that you’re back.

  10. Anuj Sahu says:

    This was refreshing. And then, yuo have those toothbrushes. Waiting for the love story between the toothbrush and the toothpaste.

  11. Happy you’re back! (Other followers here stole my “glad”)

  12. I’m stuck: Can you use “C. Fart Jokes!” in a sentence, please.

  13. Mark Cashion says:

    No loss of quality! None whatsoever!

  14. I answered all the questioned questions in my mind but before I could write them dowm I realized there is no way I can know you are really Ross. You could be just gathering my toothbrush data to try to steal my identity later. Therefore if you really are Ross I suggest you take a clairevoynce class and I will make the answers available to you at any time. If you aren’t. I’m certainly not buying you a toothbrush 🤣😎🙃

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