How to Avoid Gym Injuries

Every year, over 10,000 Canadians suffer gym-related injuries, a figure that is as astounding as it is entirely fabricated. 

In truth, no one knows exactly how many Canadians are injured at the gym because Canadians are notoriously reluctant to put anyone out, even when their femur is protruding like a broken parking meter, preferring instead to walk it off and have a strong cup of tea.

But gym injuries do occur. Statistically, the more time you spend at the gym, the more likely you are to suffer some kind of injury. Gym enthusiasts – or as they often refer to themselves, “muscle heads” – claim that the more time you spend learning to use gym equipment properly, the safer you will be. But those “beef necks” don’t take into the account that the more time you spend in one spot, the ever-increasing likelihood of that spot being hit by a stray meteorite. That’s just science. Or possibly math. Astronomy?

Thankfully, there is a sure-fire method to 100 percent avoid gym-related injuries and that is to 100 percent avoid the gym.

You too can have abs of sand.

I, for instance, have never pulled a glute or crumpled a quadbecause I have methodically followed a lifelong regime of staying far away from gyms, except that one time at university when I took one peek in weight room and decided, “Nah, rather stay skinny.” 

Avoiding the gym sounds easy at first blush. But there’s no need to go red in the face like that, no cause for embarrassment, you flabby-waisted beauty you. 

Anyway, it isn’t easy. Avoiding the gym takes practice, commitment and an acceptance of who you are as the soft-ishhuman being God made you. 

Here, then, are some steps you can take to avoid the gym, gym injuries and Jim, that sweaty guy in Lycra with the bulging ventricles. 

Before you avoid going to the gym, it’s important to warm up. If there is a gym near you, start by walking briskly towards the gym and then turning and walking briskly the other way. Look out for traffic in your brisk turning, as distracted drivers are even more statistically likely than errant meteorites. 

Get closer and closer to the gym daily until you are at the door, at which point you will walk past it. Congratulations! You have avoided the gym. 

You also need strong will power. Very often, a “friend” will come up to you and say, “Yo, bro, wanna smack some curl-squats? Rep some lifts? Bench a few weight bands?” Oh that Jim! The key to this is to say, “No. I do not.” Accompany this with a firm “stop” hand gesture. Note that in making this gesture, it may be necessary to support your string-bean arm with your other hand.

What to wear to avoid the gym? Ideally, you want something comfortable and loose-fitting. Pyjamas, basically. Nothing guarantees gym-avoidance quite like the inertia rendered by immediately stepping into your pyjamas at the end of theworkday. Pyjamas on? You are in for the night. In like no gym. 

It’s easy to get discouraged when you first start avoiding the gym. The key is to break old habits and establish new ones. If you’ve already been going to the gym, start by avoiding the gym occasionally and then avoiding it more and more. Soon enough you’ll be avoiding the gym altogether. Luckily you are human with a natural inclination to behave exactly like everyone else who has ever bought a gym membership. 

And it’s not just the gym! The same principles can be applied to avoiding sports injuries, running injuries and shopping injuries, which are more common than you think (unless you think they are extremely common, in which case you have over-estimated their likelihood, you silly goose). 

Remember, you can’t spell “gym injury” without a “y,” as in “Y are you going to the gym?” You also need an “m,” as in “M not going to the gym; there are meteorites there!” And of course“jury,” which is a body of your peers, and your body “a-peers”to be just fine as is!

What was I saying? 

Oh, yes. Keep working at avoiding the gym and you’ll be avoiding it all the time in no time. Remember: the key to success is repetition, repetition, repetition – much like the jokes in this post.

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