In Search of the Good Night’s Sleep

According to ancient texts (1970s Beautyrest ads), man has long quested after the fabled good night’s sleep. Woman has sought after it too but at least knew to shut up about it and get on with her day.

But does the good night’s sleep exist? Or is it merely the stuff of dreams?

Over the years, there have been those who have claimed to have had a good night’s sleep, though this evidence is at best anecdotal and at worst kind of a boring conversation. “I slept like a baby,” these people say. My baby granddaughter thrashes about in her sleep and wakes up screaming. My conjugal partner Zelda also does this, and she has both many years behind her and a devastating donkey kick.

Note to self: get rid of obnoxiously ticking clock.

I myself have vague memories of good sleeps, but perhaps these are false memories like getting drunk with Leonard Cohen or having friends in high school.

Anecdotal evidence cannot be dismissed entirely, however. Where there is smoke, there is a burner left on, something I do with increasing frequency, perhaps due to the cumulative effects of never getting a good night’s sleep or possibly because, as Zelda insists, I’m a doddering pudding pop.

To find out for myself, I set off in search of a good night’s sleep.

Night 1
With the seeming direct correlation between a good night’s sleep and youth, I attempted to replicate the sleep routine of a small child by changing into my Care Bear jammies, having a snack and asking for a bedtime story. Unfortunately, my request for “Scooby Doo” erotica was met with resistance by Zelda, who decided that Ryan Seacrest’s autobiography would be more conducive to sleep. This conflict led to elevated stress, as did my frequent demands for a glass of water. Result: did not have a good night’s sleep; wet the bed.

Night 2
Hypothesizing that grinding my teeth in the night may be contributing to unsettled sleep, began wearing a night guard. Awakened several times by stream of cold drool on chin; did not have a good night’s sleep.

Night 3
Decided more research was necessary in order to discover the elusive good night’s sleep. Spent several hours of screen time before bed scrolling through websites. Also forgot it was time for my and Zelda’s weekly “belly dance.” Did not have a good night’s sleep; woke to discover that Zelda had thrown away all devices. Quarreled with Zelda.

Nights 4-7
Slept on sofa. Did not have a good night’s sleep.

Night 8
Hypothesizing that night-snacking might not be conducive to a good night’s sleep, I was determined to stop eating after 8 pm. However, by 8:41. could no longer resist the empty hole in my life that could only be filled with a bag of Dorritos followed by half an Aero bar, then the other half, some leftover Halloween candy at the bottom of a drawer and a glass of chocolate milk, which is dairy so it’s okay. Dreamt the A&W Root Bear was shot out of a cannon but missed the net and smacked comically into a wall. Did not have a good night’s sleep or find anyone who thought my dream was as amusing as I did. No sign of Zelda.

Night 9
Had heard of the sleep-enhancing attributes of melantonin, though without any devices, I was unable to verify these attributes or the spelling. Went to the pharmacy and asked for melantonin. Pharmacist laughed at me and said loudly enough for everyone to hear, “You mean ‘melatonin’? Cuz if you want watermelantonin, that’s in the produce aisle. But be careful with that stuff; it’s hard on your honeyduodenum.” Lay in bed running the humiliating scene over and over in my head. Less interested in getting a good night’s sleep than finding a stinging rebuke and a hurtful pun for “pharmacist.”

Night 10
Discouraged and sleep deprived, I have abandoned my search to find the legendary good night’s sleep, mostly because Zelda has moved out and taken the mattress. I am now modifying my research to determine why I fall asleep in the chair the instant I open a book and why it’s the most satisfying sleep of all.

“HARMACIST”!

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