Category Archives: It Could Happen…

Satire is stranger than truth which is stranger than fiction which is bigger than a breadbox.

SAVE THE ECONOMY!

I speak to you today because our ever-growing economy is under threat of growing not quite so very much. Due to direct human action and cheapskate millennials, global wondering is causing you to challenge corporate greed, question the incessant need … Continue reading

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So your penis is broken…

Introduction: Sorry to hear your penis is broken There are many reasons why your penis may be broken: prostate surgery, stress, rampant alcoholism, too much Disney Channel, mangling. But whatever the reason, an inability to ring the butler can cause … Continue reading

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A letter from your university development office

Dear alumnus/alumna/aluminum: Here at Ross Murray University, as we lounge in our yak-skin recliners vaping with impunity, surrounded by floodlit portraits of our beloved founder in various states of undress, we think of you, our former student, as you make … Continue reading

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Simply mad about the booze

It seems not even sobriety will be saved from enjoying a made-for-Instagram moment, with new hashtaggable terms like “mindful drinking” and “sober curious.” No longer do you have to feel left out or uncool for being sober. You maybe don’t … Continue reading

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How not to die on Mount Everest

More than 300 people have died climbing Mount Everest over the past nearly 100 years. This season alone, the death toll has reached 11, primarily caused by overcrowded trails hindering oxygen-deprived climbers from ascending or descending. As a public service, … Continue reading

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A Guide to the Toronto Raptors for Americans

A form of basketball was played by the Ojibwe people on Lake Ontario and went by the name of “beaktukk tagaka,” which, roughly translated, means “lacrosse played badly.” Almonte, Ontario native James Naismith “invented” basketball in 1891 by stealing it … Continue reading

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Disaster scenarios ranked by my chances of survival

Zombie Apocalypse When the flesh-eating hoard inevitably swarms my home (hopefully, at first, making quick work of the neighbours who are always outside yelling and drinking and therefore easy prey), I stash myself in a virtually unfindable location, my small … Continue reading

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