Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

Our celebrity commencement speaker is unavailable

Madam Chancellor, distinguished guests, parents, Class of 2017: I know you are expecting me at this point to introduce our celebrity commencement speaker. After all, the least we can do after your three to five years of academic struggle and … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Re: New guidelines for the coming in/going out of March

The management would like to inform you that, in accordance with our recently adopted policy on heightened inclusivity and respect for species fluidity, March is no longer exclusively required to come in like a lamb and go out like a … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

I am carrying this live skunk to protest everything Donald Trump stands for

For the past weeks, as I’ve watched the presidency of Donald Trump unfurl like a deep-fried blooming onion at a county fair – unhealthy, nauseating, greasy – I have asked myself, how can I make my voice heard? How can … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , | 48 Comments

Trumps of Christmas Past

1 AD @realBethlehemTrump Just read Old Testament. Not good. God did very bad job. All smiting, zero job creation. New Testament will be world-class, trust me. Congratulations @HolyMary on fantastic birth. Great woman, totally a virgin. Shows what science knows … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Beatles on the Border

“Legend has it that back in the day the Beatles used to meet [at the Haskell Free Library on the Quebec/Vermont border]. John was banned from the US so he would enter the library from the Canadian side with George, … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments

Getting back to sexy business

As if Americans haven’t been through enough gut-wrenching uncertainty, next week they must join the rest of the world as we anxiously await a vital decision: who will be People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. The choice will set the standard … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Scarebnb: A Halloween Review

OMG this place was literally a nightmare. If you have a choice between spending the night in an open grave filled with the corpses of murdered orphans or at Jaundiced Entrails B&B, well, I would say the B&B but only … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 23 Comments