Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

I have cloned an army of viral gymnast Katelyn Ohashi to save humankind

Posted on January 21, 2019 by

They say I’m a madman. They say the risks of cloning an army of viral gymnast Katelyn Ohashi are too high. But I believe more strongly than I have ever believed anything in my life that the last, best hope … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , | 22 Comments

Don’t be such a martyr, it’s All Saints Day!

Posted on November 1, 2018 by

Saint Tarafa the Putrid The Holy Hottie of Hungary, Tarafa the Putrid was named Saint of the Year in 1089, winning over the critics and plague-ridden alike with her hit song “Jesus May Have Come to Me (But I Wish … Continue reading →

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

The Pantsing: A Halloween Tale

Posted on October 25, 2018 by

Detective Marilyn Grendel took a drag off her cigarette like a teenage boy giving a hickey. She flicked the spent butt to the ground with a loathing usually reserved for relatives who owe you money. Adjusting her three-dollar blazer over … Continue reading →

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , | 32 Comments

Reply-all escalation

Posted on October 11, 2018 by

From: david.jones@bci.com| To: reg.carl@bci.com; staff@bci.com Subject: Re: News from Peggy Thanks for the update, Reg. Also, don’t forget to send me that link for the beard balm. ­—- Hi, everybody. Sorry for the reply-all. LOL. —- Hi again. Yes, I … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

What your childhood home smelled like to your friends, and what that says about you

Posted on August 16, 2018 by

A kind of mushroomy odour, like shirts put away damp and then left in the drawer too long You are highly self-reliant, thought that sometimes comes across as arrogant and stand-offish, especially when you announce loudly, “Look how self-reliant I … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , | 23 Comments

Weakly Classified

Posted on July 26, 2018 by

For Sale Meat pump, fully insured partially clogged. Must be seen to be appreciated. Must be cleaned to be useable. Call 555-3095; ask receptionist for the “Ecclesiastical Department.” * Gilbert & Sullivan collectibles: Pirates of Pen Sets; Mikado Short Sharp … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , | 27 Comments

The Last Tattoo: An Oral History

Posted on May 31, 2018 by

“I was planning on getting a tattoo my freshman year. I was primed for it: a rainbow with birds flying over and the word ‘blessed’ in script lettering and inside the ‘B’ the face of a tiny Baby Jesus. But … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 27 Comments