Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

What your sleep position says about you

Posted on January 23, 2020 by

1. You are generous and fair, with the courage of a lion and the grace of a swan. You are thoughtful, inquisitive and a loving individual. Yet despite all your tremendous qualities, you are haunted by an emptiness because you … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Home for the Hollandaise: A Hallmark Christmas Movie

Posted on December 12, 2019 by

I know what you’re thinking: what’s a beautiful, successful New York gal like me doing in a Podunk town like Blamperville? I asked myself the same question when I first got here. Being a beautiful, successful New York journalist with … Continue reading →

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Demons

Posted on October 31, 2019 by

1. Be proactive One of the prime mistakes demons make is waiting for lusty teenagers to randomly stumble onto a Portal to Hell in the basement of an abandoned cabin. After all, when you’re a demon condemned for all eternity, … Continue reading →

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Death of a Salesman: The Musical

Posted on October 7, 2019 by

A melody is heard, played upon a flute, telling of grass and trees and the horizon. The curtain rises. The flute melody fades abruptly, replaced by an upbeat tune as the CHORUS OF DANCING SALESMEN enter carrying sample cases. They … Continue reading →

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So your roommate is feasting on your soul…

Posted on September 12, 2019 by

Welcome, students, to another exciting year in residence! Living in rez is just one of the many amazing aspects of university life, and working together in a supportive, positive, inclusive atmosphere, we can make it a super-memorable experience for all! … Continue reading →

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Advice from my father

Posted on June 13, 2019 by

First be kind, then be tough. It is better to listen than to speak, smarter to think than to react. If you treat others with respect, they will respect you and your tentacle-like appendage. Master five good meal recipes. Know … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , | 23 Comments

New law restricts a woman’s right to shoes

Posted on May 23, 2019 by

Fresh off the most hardline abortion legislation in generations, several US states are now planning to regulate not just what women can do with their bodies but what they can wear on them. Specifically, their feet. Alabama is the first … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 33 Comments