Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

Don’t be such a martyr, it’s All Saints Day!

Saint Tarafa the Putrid The Holy Hottie of Hungary, Tarafa the Putrid was named Saint of the Year in 1089, winning over the critics and plague-ridden alike with her hit song “Jesus May Have Come to Me (But I Wish … Continue reading

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The Pantsing: A Halloween Tale

Detective Marilyn Grendel took a drag off her cigarette like a teenage boy giving a hickey. She flicked the spent butt to the ground with a loathing usually reserved for relatives who owe you money. Adjusting her three-dollar blazer over … Continue reading

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Reply-all escalation

From: david.jones@bci.com| To: reg.carl@bci.com; staff@bci.com Subject: Re: News from Peggy Thanks for the update, Reg. Also, don’t forget to send me that link for the beard balm. ­—- Hi, everybody. Sorry for the reply-all. LOL. —- Hi again. Yes, I … Continue reading

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What your childhood home smelled like to your friends, and what that says about you

A kind of mushroomy odour, like shirts put away damp and then left in the drawer too long You are highly self-reliant, thought that sometimes comes across as arrogant and stand-offish, especially when you announce loudly, “Look how self-reliant I … Continue reading

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Weakly Classified

For Sale Meat pump, fully insured partially clogged. Must be seen to be appreciated. Must be cleaned to be useable. Call 555-3095; ask receptionist for the “Ecclesiastical Department.” * Gilbert & Sullivan collectibles: Pirates of Pen Sets; Mikado Short Sharp … Continue reading

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The Last Tattoo: An Oral History

“I was planning on getting a tattoo my freshman year. I was primed for it: a rainbow with birds flying over and the word ‘blessed’ in script lettering and inside the ‘B’ the face of a tiny Baby Jesus. But … Continue reading

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What I wore to the Met Gala

“The Met Gala is fashion’s biggest night and this year’s theme was ‘Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination.’… Rihanna wore a papal crown and cape designed by Margiela. Katy Perry wore 6-foot angel wings.” – CNN.com, May 7, 2018 … Continue reading

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