Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

Advice from my father

Posted on June 13, 2019 by

First be kind, then be tough. It is better to listen than to speak, smarter to think than to react. If you treat others with respect, they will respect you and your tentacle-like appendage. Master five good meal recipes. Know … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , | 23 Comments

New law restricts a woman’s right to shoes

Posted on May 23, 2019 by

Fresh off the most hardline abortion legislation in generations, several US states are now planning to regulate not just what women can do with their bodies but what they can wear on them. Specifically, their feet. Alabama is the first … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Thoughts on Avengers: End Tables (with more spoilers than a Stanstead car show)

Posted on May 2, 2019 by

When we last left our heroes in Avengers: Infinity Loop, the villainous Thermos had obtained all six Infinity Carbuncles and with a snap of his fingers had caused a waiter to appear with his bill. After heinously paying in coins … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , | 10 Comments

My March Madness take (since nobody asked)

Posted on March 21, 2019 by

March Madness basketball is upon us, and as in recent years, I will not be tuning in to the national college tournament because I have no cable, nor will I be following online because I try to restrict my screen … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , | 13 Comments

Netflix “Originals”

Posted on February 7, 2019 by

Netflix’s ‘Russian Doll’: A Darker, Druggier ‘Groundhog Day’ – The Daily Beast, Feb. 1, 2019 ‘Bird Box’ Is The Netflix Version Of ‘A Quiet Place’- Zimbio, Dec. 27, 2018 The ‘Stranger Things’ Secret? It’s Basically an 8-Hour Spielberg Movie – … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

I have cloned an army of viral gymnast Katelyn Ohashi to save humankind

Posted on January 21, 2019 by

They say I’m a madman. They say the risks of cloning an army of viral gymnast Katelyn Ohashi are too high. But I believe more strongly than I have ever believed anything in my life that the last, best hope … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , | 28 Comments

Don’t be such a martyr, it’s All Saints Day!

Posted on November 1, 2018 by

Saint Tarafa the Putrid The Holy Hottie of Hungary, Tarafa the Putrid was named Saint of the Year in 1089, winning over the critics and plague-ridden alike with her hit song “Jesus May Have Come to Me (But I Wish … Continue reading →

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments