Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

What your childhood home smelled like to your friends, and what that says about you

Posted on August 16, 2018 by

A kind of mushroomy odour, like shirts put away damp and then left in the drawer too long You are highly self-reliant, thought that sometimes comes across as arrogant and stand-offish, especially when you announce loudly, “Look how self-reliant I … Continue reading →

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Weakly Classified

Posted on July 26, 2018 by

For Sale Meat pump, fully insured partially clogged. Must be seen to be appreciated. Must be cleaned to be useable. Call 555-3095; ask receptionist for the “Ecclesiastical Department.” * Gilbert & Sullivan collectibles: Pirates of Pen Sets; Mikado Short Sharp … Continue reading →

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The Last Tattoo: An Oral History

Posted on May 31, 2018 by

“I was planning on getting a tattoo my freshman year. I was primed for it: a rainbow with birds flying over and the word ‘blessed’ in script lettering and inside the ‘B’ the face of a tiny Baby Jesus. But … Continue reading →

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What I wore to the Met Gala

Posted on May 10, 2018 by

“The Met Gala is fashion’s biggest night and this year’s theme was ‘Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination.’… Rihanna wore a papal crown and cape designed by Margiela. Katy Perry wore 6-foot angel wings.” – CNN.com, May 7, 2018 … Continue reading →

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Spook-ular values: A Halloween parable

Posted on October 26, 2017 by

It started with a body on a bus. This was followed by a second body on a bus. The interval between the discoveries was so brief that it felt like it couldn’t be a coincidence, though it proved to be … Continue reading →

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Please do not hassle me about my therapy toaster

Posted on September 21, 2017 by

No, this isn’t a “toaster” I’m holding on my lap. It is my therapy toaster, and, no, I will not put it in the overhead compartment, because that would clearly defeat the purpose of bringing my therapy toaster onto this … Continue reading →

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I am a national treasure

Posted on August 31, 2017 by

“Stevie Wonder is a straight-up national treasure” – Chicago Reader, November 17, 2014 “Betty White is a national treasure.” – George Takei, Facebook, October 11, 2011 “Robbie Robertson of The Band described [Gordon] Lightfoot as ‘a national treasure.’” – Wikipedia.com … Continue reading →

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