Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

Please do not hassle me about my therapy toaster

Posted on September 21, 2017 by

No, this isn’t a “toaster” I’m holding on my lap. It is my therapy toaster, and, no, I will not put it in the overhead compartment, because that would clearly defeat the purpose of bringing my therapy toaster onto this … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , | 18 Comments

I am a national treasure

Posted on August 31, 2017 by

“Stevie Wonder is a straight-up national treasure” – Chicago Reader, November 17, 2014 “Betty White is a national treasure.” – George Takei, Facebook, October 11, 2011 “Robbie Robertson of The Band described [Gordon] Lightfoot as ‘a national treasure.’” – Wikipedia.com … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 26 Comments

The ghost of Stuart McLean describes Canada’s summer of 2017

Posted on August 3, 2017 by

For optimal effect, please read aloud in front of an enthusiastic live audience of your choosing. It’s a beautiful morning. The kind of morning that makes you want to leap out of bed, put on an old record and wake … Continue reading →

Posted in Canada and/or Quebec, Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Me, age 110, explaining the secret of my longevity

Posted on July 27, 2017 by

It’s so nice to have you reporterbots from GoogleThought drilling into my consciousness for an interview. I remember when I was a flesh reporter and I had to do these stories by actually talking to old people. Human contact was … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Please support this thing that is more important than those other things

Posted on July 20, 2017 by

For far too long, our society has turned a blind eye to this thing. It’s outrageous. Disgusting. Poopy. When I think about what this thing is doing and sometimes what it is not doing and the people this thing is … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments

Our celebrity commencement speaker is unavailable

Posted on May 18, 2017 by

Madam Chancellor, distinguished guests, parents, Class of 2017: I know you are expecting me at this point to introduce our celebrity commencement speaker. After all, the least we can do after your three to five years of academic struggle and … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Re: New guidelines for the coming in/going out of March

Posted on March 2, 2017 by

The management would like to inform you that, in accordance with our recently adopted policy on heightened inclusivity and respect for species fluidity, March is no longer exclusively required to come in like a lamb and go out like a … Continue reading →

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments