Category Archives: Never Happened

If brain begins leaking, apply pressure

Shoe you, shoe me

“Rapper Travis Scott’s fans got goosebumps when word spread that he was collaborating with Nike on a new SB Dunk shoe. When the sneakers finally dropped in his online store Saturday, they quickly sold out.” — CNN Business, February 23 … Continue reading

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What your sleep position says about you

1. You are generous and fair, with the courage of a lion and the grace of a swan. You are thoughtful, inquisitive and a loving individual. Yet despite all your tremendous qualities, you are haunted by an emptiness because you … Continue reading

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Home for the Hollandaise: A Hallmark Christmas Movie

I know what you’re thinking: what’s a beautiful, successful New York gal like me doing in a Podunk town like Blamperville? I asked myself the same question when I first got here. Being a beautiful, successful New York journalist with … Continue reading

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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Demons

1. Be proactive One of the prime mistakes demons make is waiting for lusty teenagers to randomly stumble onto a Portal to Hell in the basement of an abandoned cabin. After all, when you’re a demon condemned for all eternity, … Continue reading

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Death of a Salesman: The Musical

A melody is heard, played upon a flute, telling of grass and trees and the horizon. The curtain rises. The flute melody fades abruptly, replaced by an upbeat tune as the CHORUS OF DANCING SALESMEN enter carrying sample cases. They … Continue reading

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So your roommate is feasting on your soul…

Welcome, students, to another exciting year in residence! Living in rez is just one of the many amazing aspects of university life, and working together in a supportive, positive, inclusive atmosphere, we can make it a super-memorable experience for all! … Continue reading

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Advice from my father

First be kind, then be tough. It is better to listen than to speak, smarter to think than to react. If you treat others with respect, they will respect you and your tentacle-like appendage. Master five good meal recipes. Know … Continue reading

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