With the Oscars just two months away and awards season already feeling like it’s gone on too long, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science still hasn’t come up with anyone to host Hollywood’s Greatest Night. Would-be host Kevin Hart stepped away from the emcee duties following revelations of past homophobic tweets. And with no other celebrity particularly interest in putting themselves under that social-media microscope, the Academy is now scrambling to find a possible host. Here, then, are the current top candidates:
A Greek chorus
– Would provide much-needed gravitas to an evening that has long been a frivolous exercise in self-congratulations punctuated by mawkish sanctimony and absolutely zero intrafamily slaughter.
– Would offer riveting orations like the following: “Who is the man proclaimed by Delphi’s prophetic rock and verified by the accounting firm Pricewaterhouse Coopers to be the winner of Best Actor in a film, though one that neither the children of Thebes nor their parents at the shrine of Pallas have bothered to see, for they have instead made pilgrimage to the temple where Ismenus gives oracles by fire and Ralph Wrecks the Internet is showing at 3:45. Hear me, Hollywood, city of Streep, honoured above all, for it is Christian Bale, again with the American accent.”
– Could perform The Tragedy of La La Land Losing to Moonlight.
– Mob of people wearing white sheets might send wrong message
– Not union
Furloughed US federal employees
– Probably have a lot of things to say
– Would be adored by the Hollywood liberal elite
– Don’t have to go to work the next morning
– Before making their acceptance speeches, Oscar winners would have to fill out Form RS3-8a and wait 6 to 8 weeks
– We wouldn’t want Oscar ceremony to all of a sudden become political…
– Beloved American icon
– Already hosted Oscars 19 times
– Comedy not very topical
A 4-year-old named Timmy
– Though possessing a limited range of material (“Knock Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Spider-Man.” “Spider-Man who?” “Spider-Man poopy head.” – then repeat but with Batman, Iron Man, etc.), there is potential in doing the same joke but with Kevin Spacey.
– Insists on performing classic bit, “Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these,” complete with gestures. When pointed out that this is both sexist and racist, Timmy took off running down the corridor, shouting loudly, “I’m the racing-est of all, and I’m the winner!”
– Ceremony well past bedtime
All 10 seasons of Friends on autoplay
– No surprises
– Everybody loves that Gunther!
– Could we be more interested in the Oscars?
– Might run out of seasons before Oscars ceremony ends
A plate of doughnuts
– People might get hungry during the ceremony
A little penguin
– Already has a tux
– Unlikely to make divisive yet obvious Trump joke
– Would be an appropriate gesture of solidarity in response to the #MePenguin movement
– Works for fish
– Would make potential Oscar nominee Lady Gaga not look like a penguin
– Has tweeted a number of whaleophobic comments
– Caught by paparazzi getting high with James Franco
– Heck, it’s a little penguin. There are no cons! Hire that cutie!