Three Minutes of Gardening and 30 Seconds of Heavy Drinking: Covid Edition

Hello, and welcome to “Three Minutes of Gardening and 30 Seconds of Heavy Drinking.” I’m your host Garland Faunt-Lubberly.

You find me, as most of you find yourselves, in isolation; in my case, not merely from the outside world and all its devil-may-care viral concoctions, but also in isolation here at the manor, hiding as I must from my strapping young houseboy Vivian. One can take only so much strapping before one feels compelled to sequester oneself in one’s amply provisioned safe room!

Besides my current all-purpose self-isolation, I was earlier compelled to undertake 14 days of strict quarantine following my return from Xialapaloopa, Mexico, where along with my dear friend Lady Bechamel, I participated in the annual Running of the Bees. This is much like the Running of the Bulls except one cries out shrilly, “LOOK OUT! THERE ARE BEES!” Continue reading

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Unsociety Notes: Catnaps and Letdowns

On Monday, I watched a clip on Twitter of American gymnast Simone Biles taking off her sweatpants while doing a handstand. (To clarify: she was doing the handstand, not me. [That probably didn’t need clarifying.]) It’s not as inappropriate as it sounds. Instead, it was an impressive feat of balance, strength and perseverance.

My Monday feat was repotting a plant.

Monday was a holiday. I’m working full-time from home, so the word “holiday” still has some meaning to me. Given this, I should have filled my bonus day with activities, chores and sundry celebrations of free time.

But no. In addition to the repotting, we sowed potlets of vegetable seeds and set them in the window of what’s become my home office. Besides that, I read, walked, watched TV, spent too much time on Twitter and napped with the cat.

It’s the cat’s fault. I was merely reading in a prone position when Ollie, as she’s inclined to do, attempted to crawl on top of me. She would crawl inside me if she could. I allowed her to settle in the crook of my arm, where her sedative properties immediately took effect. Continue reading

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Song of the Virtuous Isolator


Who’s that out walking?
I’m looking to see
Are they stretching their legs
Or just out for a spree?
Are they friends from two houses
Or one family?
I am ready to judge from my door

Look, in that driveway,
They’re standing too near
Only five feet apart
And they’re both drinking beer
Gasp! The virus could leap
All the way over here!
I think I should call the police. Continue reading

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Uber Hugs: Local Affection Delivery

Isolating alone? Putting the “self” in “self-quarantine”? Public health agents watching your every move?

Being by yourself in the time of Coronavirus can be a lonely experience. Couple this with the anxiety of watching the news or listening to world leaders you wouldn’t let organize a silent auction, and sometimes you just need a hug.

Enter Uber Hugs! They’re keen, clean and recently quarantined! Continue reading

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Week 2 vs Week 22

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Week 2: Anxiously refreshing social media to hear the latest updates on the Coronavirus pandemic.
Week 22: Anxiously refreshing social media to hear the latest stupid thing Madonna said.

Week 2: Beginning to master Zoom to facilitate work meetings with colleagues.
Week 22: Drumming up the nerve to say something about colleague’s atrocious home décor.

Week 2: Daughter stoically braving separation from boyfriend like she’s in a romantic movie where lovers are tragically kept apart during wartime.
Week 22: Daughter now in a committed relationship with a body pillow attached to a Javex bottle with Harry Styles’ face on it.

Week 2: Daily briefings by government leaders are informative and reassuring.
Week 22: Daily briefings consist of Today’s Best Pet Videos.

Week 2: Explaining to children that, sorry, it’s not your fault the government has banned public gatherings, it’s just the way it is.
Week 22: Explaining to children that, sorry, it’s not your fault the government has banned loud open-mouth chewing, it’s just the way it is.

Week 2: When working from home, it’s important to replicate as much as possible your workplace routine.
Week 22: What are pants?

Week 2: Watching investments in oil and gas going down, down down.
Week 22: Watching investments in hand cream and sanitizer going up, up, up.

Week 2: “I’ve never truly suffered hardship in my lifetime, so really I see this is an opportunity for emotional growth.”
Week 22: “AAAAAGHHH! I’M OUT OF HAIR GEL!”

Week 2: Difficult though it may be, this crisis is bringing the family closer together.
Week 22: Family members have established independent territorial governments in separate rooms, with the kitchen as neutral territory and frequent, bloody skirmishes in the bathroom.

Week 2: Unable to stop touching face.
Week 22: Still unable to stop touching face.

Week 2: Taking advantage of down time to learn a new instrument, take up painting, maybe write that novel you’ve always had in the back of your mind.
Week 22: Have memorized word-for-word the entire second season of “The Office.”

Week 2: Lying awake at night worrying about the virus, your job, the economy.
Week 22: Napping is now your full time job.

Week 2: Investing in surgical masks to protect against Coronavirus.
Week 22: Investing in earplugs to protect against losing one’s mind in this godforsaken house!

Week 2: Finding creative ways to stay social by getting together with friends online.
Week 22: Finding creative ways to earn an income by selling your kidney online.

Week 2: Improvising a makeshift home gym, because it’s important to stay fit during this indefinite period of isolation.
Week 22: Improvising an elaborate pulley/conveyor system from the kitchen to the sofa, because those bags of Doritos aren’t going to deliver themselves.

Week 2: Recognizing that, as part of the greater good, we may have to sacrifice certain civil liberties in order to combat the threat of this deadly virus.
Week 22: Supreme Leader Donald Trump dissolves Congress and replaces it with an “advisory board” consisting of Ivanka, Jared and the cast of “Big Brother 22.”

Week 2: “I’m growing out my beard!”
Week 22: Divorce papers arrive in the mail.

Week 2: Singing “So Long, Marianne” from apartment balconies.
Week 22: Sending semaphore signals from apartment balconies.

Week 2: Avoiding physical contact with neighbours and joking about it.
Week 22: Avoiding eye contact with neighbours since The Leaf Blower Incident.

Week 2: Expressing disdain for people who violate social distancing guidelines for their own selfish fulfilment.
Week 22: Going to a crowded beach because you’ve really, really earned this.

Week 2: Stocking up on non-perishable staples like dried beans.
Week 22: Still haven’t cooked a single meal using dried beans.

Week 2: Expressing gratitude for universal health care.
Week 22: Putting finishing touches on comprehensive 617-page proposal for universal health cat.

Week 2: Convincing senior parents to heed government warnings and just stay home.
Week 22: Convincing senior parents to heed government warnings and just stay home.

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Social Distancing Notes: Excerpts from Your Local Weekly

Mr. and Mrs. Harold Hurlburl received a visit from their son, Mr. Edgar Hurlburl, of Montreal, this Saturday past. Mrs. Hurlburl served her famous shrimp pinwheels, which Mr. Hurlburl made a game of lobbing through the partially opened driver-side window of Edgar’s new Ford Taurus, inside of which he sat for the duration of the visit. A good time was had by all.

*

The Lucky Dozen Club met at the home of Mrs. Vera Scott for a card party on Wednesday, with Mrs. Vera Scott in attendance. Mrs. Vera Scott read the minutes of the last gathering, approved by Mrs. Vera Scott. Mrs. Vera Scott then poured the tea. The hours passed quickly but pleasantly as Mrs. Vera Scott sat down to several rounds of solitaire. Mrs. Vera Scott was declared the winner of two of the twelve games played, as is custom for the club. To bring a delightful evening to a close, Mrs. Vera Scott served a delicious lunch, receiving a hearty hand-clap for her efforts. The Club will meet next week at the home of Mrs. Vera Scott. Continue reading

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Rise of the Introverts

The world is quiet here.

And it came to pass that upon the world there befell a virus that caused a great cataclysm, with much gnashing of teeth, rending of garments and hoarding of toilet paper. And there were those who became sickened by the virus, though they knew it not, and on pleasure cruises they went, which is a bad idea at the best of times.

Thus did the virus spread by those who went about their business and social affairs, wantonly infecting their kinsmen and outlanders both, even unto those who donned the Face Masks of Protection, for they still could not help putting their fingers in their mouth, it was just their way.

In every city and in every hamlet the virus did spread, lo, as the cream cheese is spread upon the bagel, and anon the sickening was a blight over all the Earth, with great suffering and death abounding and the stock market going down the crapper. Continue reading

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