Tag Archives: nonsense

Always carry a notebook so you can keep track of your brilliant thoughts

• Next season on “Survivor”: everyone is covered with staticky packing Styrofoam and the first person who gets it all off their clothes without losing their mind wins. • Just once, I’d like to see instructions that say your food item … Continue reading

Posted in Writing | Tagged , , , | 23 Comments

Dance like everybody’s watching

Of paramount importance: Do you have enough glitter? If not, you need to go out right now and get yourself some glitter. How much is enough glitter? Think about how much glitter you might possibly need. Now double that. Prepare … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened, Turn that radio on! | Tagged , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

My year, reviewed, outstandingly

January My peace mission to Syria was fraught with complications after my seeing-eye Pomeranian was seized at Customs for violating national thresholds of froufrou-ness. This was followed by further scurrying about and logistical recalibration after I realized I was not … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Sometimes I answer questions

What is Shania Twain up to these days? Sad to say, Shania and I have drifted apart ever since I wrote that tell-all article in Vogue (“Shania Twain Promised Me a Back Rub But So Far Bupkiss!”). We still get … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , | 25 Comments

I left my fudge in church

Dear stewards of Centenary United Church, Last Sunday morning, it’s possible a member of your congregation may have found a small piece of fudge wrapped in a napkin in the back of one of the pews. If that’s the case, … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, It Really Did Happen! | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments