Tag Archives: satire

Risky business for columnists

Hi there. How’s tricks? Does anyone say that anymore? “How’s tricks?” Sounds Damon Runyon-esque. That’s Damon Runyon, the American writer, not Damon Runyan, the Canadian actor and star of “Degrassi: The Next Generation,” though, honestly, what kind of parent does … Continue reading

Posted in It Really Did Happen! | Tagged , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Re: New guidelines for the coming in/going out of March

The management would like to inform you that, in accordance with our recently adopted policy on heightened inclusivity and respect for species fluidity, March is no longer exclusively required to come in like a lamb and go out like a … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

I am carrying this live skunk to protest everything Donald Trump stands for

For the past weeks, as I’ve watched the presidency of Donald Trump unfurl like a deep-fried blooming onion at a county fair – unhealthy, nauseating, greasy – I have asked myself, how can I make my voice heard? How can … Continue reading

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Trumps of Christmas Past

1 AD @realBethlehemTrump Just read Old Testament. Not good. God did very bad job. All smiting, zero job creation. New Testament will be world-class, trust me. Congratulations @HolyMary on fantastic birth. Great woman, totally a virgin. Shows what science knows … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Reverse advent calendar, or: What’s in the box!

If you’re like me (and if not, why not?), you probably didn’t sleep a wink last night due to the sheer excitement that lay ahead of you this morning. No, not a fresh box of Cheez-Stuffed Razzleberry PopTarts. It’s the … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, It Could Happen... | Tagged , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Happy BirthSelfCareDay to Me

Today I turn 51. That means I am no longer 50. I am in my fifities, which is like being in debt; there’s no getting out of it. My eyebrow hairs stayed a uniform length for the better part of … Continue reading

Posted in It Could Happen... | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

Beatles on the Border

“Legend has it that back in the day the Beatles used to meet [at the Haskell Free Library on the Quebec/Vermont border]. John was banned from the US so he would enter the library from the Canadian side with George, … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments