Tag Archives: satire

Our celebrity commencement speaker is unavailable

Madam Chancellor, distinguished guests, parents, Class of 2017: I know you are expecting me at this point to introduce our celebrity commencement speaker. After all, the least we can do after your three to five years of academic struggle and … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

The press conference about the press conference

Good morning, everyone. I think we can get started. First of all, thank you all for coming out to today’s press conference announcing today’s press conference. First, a little background about the press conference. As you know, the press conference … Continue reading

Posted in It Could Happen... | Tagged , , , , , | 28 Comments

Risky business for columnists

Hi there. How’s tricks? Does anyone say that anymore? “How’s tricks?” Sounds Damon Runyon-esque. That’s Damon Runyon, the American writer, not Damon Runyan, the Canadian actor and star of “Degrassi: The Next Generation,” though, honestly, what kind of parent does … Continue reading

Posted in It Really Did Happen! | Tagged , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Re: New guidelines for the coming in/going out of March

The management would like to inform you that, in accordance with our recently adopted policy on heightened inclusivity and respect for species fluidity, March is no longer exclusively required to come in like a lamb and go out like a … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

I am carrying this live skunk to protest everything Donald Trump stands for

For the past weeks, as I’ve watched the presidency of Donald Trump unfurl like a deep-fried blooming onion at a county fair – unhealthy, nauseating, greasy – I have asked myself, how can I make my voice heard? How can … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , | 48 Comments

Trumps of Christmas Past

1 AD @realBethlehemTrump Just read Old Testament. Not good. God did very bad job. All smiting, zero job creation. New Testament will be world-class, trust me. Congratulations @HolyMary on fantastic birth. Great woman, totally a virgin. Shows what science knows … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Reverse advent calendar, or: What’s in the box!

If you’re like me (and if not, why not?), you probably didn’t sleep a wink last night due to the sheer excitement that lay ahead of you this morning. No, not a fresh box of Cheez-Stuffed Razzleberry PopTarts. It’s the … Continue reading

Posted in Holidays, It Could Happen... | Tagged , , , , , , | 32 Comments