Managing Your Monkeys at Christmas

Keep your friends close and your monkeys closer.  Image source: https://www.chinadaily.com.cn/business/2016-12/23/content_27756897_4.htm

Once again, the holiday season is upon us, which means an abundance of Christmas parties, and with them comes the constant risk of over-indulging in monkeys.

Monkeys are deeply woven into Christmas culture. Canadians are expected to spend $2.2 billion on monkeys this December. That’s a lot of monkey business.

Christmas monkeys were first referenced in the Nativity story when the three wisemen visited the Christ child in the manger and offered Him gifts of gold, frankincense and lemur.

Monkeys truly became part of the modern Christmas tradition in Victorian times, in fact with Queen Victoria herself, who was gifted with a monkey by her Viceroy to India, Sir Edmund Puff-Father-Smythe. Each year, as the Queen made her annual Christmas address, the monkey would climb the Queen’s robe and nest in her widow’s cap. It was equal parts amusing and shocking, prompting Charles Dickens to write, “It was the best of climbs, it was the worst of climbs.”

Today, monkeys are as much a part of the season as reindeer and Christmas fleas, and the air is filled with songs that celebrate the tradition: “Monkeys We Have Heard on High,” “God Rest Your Monkeys, Gentlemen, “The Twelves Apes of Christmas” and that modern classic, “All I Want for Christmas is Baboon.”

In fact, if you tell people you don’t partake in monkeys at Christmas, they tend to look at you funny. “No monkeys?” they exclaim. “Then who shreds your wrapping paper and poos under the tree?”

There is no question that monkeys make social situations easier. Monkeys help you relax, they make you feel less inhibited, and they can be trained to steal small objects from purses.

But the Christmas season can also lead to having one monkey too many. The scenario is only too familiar: you arrive at a party and tell yourself you’re only going to have one little monkey. Then it’s two little monkeys. Next thing you know: ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, which is just an accident waiting to happen.

The following, then, are tips to help you enjoy monkeys at Christmas without waking up drenched in regret and monkey urine.

Before you go to a party, set a limit for how many monkeys you will have, then space those monkeys out through the evening. If you really feel anxious without a monkey at hand, alternate with a three-toed sloth. Take your time with the sloth.

Likewise, don’t rush your monkey. Nurse your monkey, although if you do nurse your monkey, perhaps relocate yourself to the monkey nursing station so the other guests don’t feel uncomfortable.

Avoid mixed monkeys, as these can be stronger than you think. Many a Christmas party has been ruined by indulging in too strong a monkey and having your fingers bitten clean off, which makes it exceedingly difficult to navigate the canapés.

Alternatively, you can water down your monkeys, though check with your hostess whether she minds you hauling the hose into the foyer.

Identify the triggers that may lead to excess monkeys. Maybe it’s the anxiety of attending social gatherings. Maybe it’s pressure from your friends or co-workers. Maybe it’s their adorable curly tails. Invite a supportive friend who can remind you what happened last time you had too many monkeys (you; photocopier; monkey butts). Or, if you’re nervous, practice conversation starters in advance, such as, “Hey, how about them monkeys?”

If you do feel pressured to have a monkey, why not try a faux monkey? In recent years, the monkey industry has offered an increasingly wide selection of shenanigans-free primates.

Finally, it goes without saying that monkeys and driving don’t mix.

Christmas parties are, of course, about not only managing your own monkeys but also dealing with friends or co-workers who have gone ape over monkeys. This can be especially difficult when you are cornered by a superior who says, “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just harbouring some other food that I might give to my monkey?”

Later, your superior may claim, “That wasn’t me, that was the monkey talking,” which is neither a valid excuse nor physiologically possible.

One way to avoid unwanted monkey attention is to make a loud hissing sound like a snake, which monkeys are naturally afraid of. This may seem disruptive but remember it wouldn’t be a Christmas party if someone didn’t make an asp of themselves.

Enjoy your monkeys in moderation and don’t forget: you don’t have to attend every party this Christmas. Sometimes it’s better to simply enjoy a nice quiet monkey at home.

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There’s still time to order my new novel, Smileyville, for your favourite Christmas monkey. Available from Amazon or the author, me. If you’ve already read it and somewhat enjoyed it, be a pal and leave me a review at Goodreads or our Amazonian friends.