Author Archives: rossmurray1

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."

Our celebrity commencement speaker is unavailable

Madam Chancellor, distinguished guests, parents, Class of 2017: I know you are expecting me at this point to introduce our celebrity commencement speaker. After all, the least we can do after your three to five years of academic struggle and … Continue reading

Posted in Never Happened | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

The press conference about the press conference

Good morning, everyone. I think we can get started. First of all, thank you all for coming out to today’s press conference announcing today’s press conference. First, a little background about the press conference. As you know, the press conference … Continue reading

Posted in It Could Happen... | Tagged , , , , , | 28 Comments

One brief shining toilet

Last year, I moved into an office on the second floor because, logistically, logically, it made sense. Six months later, logisticallyer, logicallyer, it makes more sense for me to move back where I came from. It’s kind of like getting … Continue reading

Posted in It Really Did Happen! | Tagged , , , , , | 44 Comments

CSI: Cat Stink Investigation

Originally posted on Drinking Tips for Teens:
This time, I have no one to blame but myself. I could blame the cat, I suppose, but there’s no point in blaming something that doesn’t understand remorse. Or how to use a…

Posted in Reading? Ugh! | 15 Comments

In which I enter a literary contest and don’t expect to win, but still

November There is no way – no way in hell – that a self-published novel, no matter how passable, will win a literary contest. Especially if that novel has a cover that looks like someone left it in a damp … Continue reading

Posted in Canada and/or Quebec, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

New Pot for Old Farts: A Guide

So, you’ve decided you’re going to start smoking pot again. Congratulations! First, though, stop calling it “pot.” These days, the cool kids call it “weed,” and that’s 30 percent the point of this entire exercise, right? To be cool again, … Continue reading

Posted in Canada and/or Quebec, It Could Happen... | Tagged , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

The Real Fate of the Furious

Short-term spike in blood pressure Tell-tale spittle droplets on conference room table Uncomfortable silence from co-workers Promise from supervisor in soothing voice to resolve problem Feelings of satisfaction that situation will be remedied thanks to forceful rhetoric Feelings of guilt … Continue reading

Posted in Reading? Ugh! | Tagged , , , , , | 20 Comments