Talking to your kids about legal drugs

“Sit down, son. I’d like to talk to you about a difficult subject. No, not sex. No, not why all the rock stars are dying off. I want to talk to you about marijuana. Now that it’s legal in Canada, you may be tempted to try it for the first time.

“When you finish chuckling, we’ll continue.

“Now, I have a lot of experience with marijuana. I’m not saying I ever tried it. That would be wrong, because it used to be illegal to possess marijuana. But it’s also wrong to lie, so I’m not saying I haven’t tried marijuana either. There is a possibility that I may or may not have tried marijuana at some point in my life, either on purpose or by accident. Let’s leave it that it is within the realm of possibility that someone may have pushed me mouth-first against some burning marijuana-like substance at some time.

“What I really mean by ‘experience’ is that I’ve lived my whole life being told pot is dangerous and wrong and the worst thing you can possibly do to break your mother’s heart, because everyone knows that smoking pot leads to brain damage and art school.

“But now, all of a sudden, marijuana is legal, and everything I thought I knew is untrue. Or only half true. Or still true but not important. Just one more thing I need to get used to, like gender-neutral bathrooms and President Trump.

“I can’t stop you from smoking marijuana but I can dissuade you, although that didn’t have much effect when it came to your piercings.

“Anyway, just because you can buy marijuana doesn’t mean you should buy marijuana. Why not? Because it’s a drug, and all drugs are dangerous. Yes, that’s true, I did let you start having a little wine at Christmas when you were 14. And, yes, also true that we probably got you addicted to caffeine by caving in to those slick promotions for iced cappuccinos and other training coffees. But we never let you smoke! Aha! Marijuana is a dangerous drug like cigarettes, except smoking cigarettes is socially acceptable and marijuana isn’t. Or is it the other way around now…?

“What’s important is knowing what you’re getting into with marijuana. For instance, not everyone responds the same way. For some, there’s an overwhelming feeling of well-being, while for others there can be a heightened sense of paranoia. Granted, now that I think about it, buying an illegal drug behind a Seven-11 from some sketchy guy who’s in his eighth year of high school and may have laced your pot with Dustbane, maybe that’s where the paranoia came from…

“But, yes, there are many risks involved with marijuana, which I’m sure the federal government will inform us about through campaigns paid through taxes reaped from the sale of pot. It’s especially risky for young people. Yeah, I know you’re not a kid anymore. But just because you’re 25 doesn’t mean you’re making good decisions. Remember, the brain doesn’t finish fully developing until age 21. And then – whoosh! – it’s a quick decline to stupid again. I make more and more bad decisions every day. Starting this conversation is probably one of them…

“Actually, if my brain is declining anyway, it could at least decline with a dopey grin on my face…

“Wait. Who? Me? Start smoking pot? I have a hard enough time concentrating as it is, and I already watch too much TV. And the thought of eating all those Cheetos…

Still, I do have a lot of aches and pains, and glaucoma does run in the family. Plus, I wouldn’t be doing anything illegal… so… maybe?

Just, please, don’t tell your grandmother.


A version of this piece originally aired on CBC Radio’s “Breakaway.”

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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38 Responses to Talking to your kids about legal drugs

  1. It’s posts like this that make me happy to be a grand parent. My response to my grand kids is, “That’s something you need to talk to your parents about.”

    and about grandmother. She knows, you didn’t fool her. 😉

  2. LRose says:

    “Brain damage and art school” is the title of your next book!

  3. Elyse says:

    If there ever is, god forbid, a President Trump, I’m going for something stronger. Much stronger.

  4. Yahooey says:

    There was a definite pause in the potty talk when my son had the realization that I was speaking from experience.

  5. Ned's Blog says:

    Being that I live in Oregon, where marijuana has been legalized, I can tell you that I… uh…
    Where was I going with this?

  6. The Hook says:

    Who says life is boring in Canada?

  7. ksbeth says:

    canadians will only get friendlier and smile more than they do now. it might be too much to take.

  8. I tried marijuana once at a Motley Crue concert when it was all just floating around the smoke in the air. But I didn’t inhale, I just held my breath for two hours. Then there was that time a few weeks ago… uhhh… never mind.

    Honestly I can see it becoming legal in the states at some point. The tide is rising.

  9. Hahaha. I live in BC. Granny is smoking pocket pot with the grandkids out on the front veranda.

  10. pinklightsabre says:

    The first legalized shop in Washington, in Seattle, was around the corner from my office, so you can imagine the kind of inner-conflicts I had about having a look, and did, on my first day of unemployment with my mom and wife, and you know…it felt dirty, in a repressed Puritan way, like pretending to be interested in a fishing magazine but eyeing the ones in plastic on the upper shelves instead, out of reach from children. This was an utter delight, this piece. I’ve thought at lengths about describing the oddity of legalized pot in Washington, especially in our pristine suburban neighborhood, where you can find one well hidden down a dead-end road in the lower flats of the Seattle suburbs, the funny looks of those coming up and down that street exchanging glances, knowing what the other is there for…and funny, but I’ve lost the thread here

    • rossmurray1 says:

      In Nova Scotia growing up, sex shops were illegal, until a fight to open one in Halifax won the right. Still, no decent person would go in, heaven forbid. My hometown is so Catholic, there will never be one there, though if you want to feel uncomfortable, there’s always the right-to-life storefront.
      Yeah, we’ve gone a bit off track.

  11. It’s a bad precedent. I think they’re going to do a study one day and find that weed is far more harmful than we ever imagined. It sure did a number on me. I often wonder how far I could’ve gone if I hadn’t spent grades 10-12 in a pot-induced cloud trying to numb myself. Don’t do it, Canada!

    It went unnoticed but Dale Griffin, drummer for Mott the Hoople, also passed away. Those guys were a big deal to my young-teen self. Good God, who’s next?!

  12. Trent Lewin says:

    I think I grew this stuff once – purely by accident. I grew fond of the wee thing, though, and we’ve been close ever since. Like real close. But I’m not telling that to my kids; no, I’m just not doing it.

  13. Pingback: Weekly Reader 36: Sportsing Edition – Tangerine Wallpaper

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