Last year, thanks to an anonymous tip by someone looking for a friendly face online, I learned that my not so friendly face, posted four years earlier on this blog, was being used by someone on a dating site. I was less appalled than amused. I mean, look at that face.
A reverse Google image search revealed that the my image was best described as “middle-aged man.” Further investigation revealed that this image was being used as a fake avatar on dating sites, Yelp pages, Google Plus, message boards, an English language instruction site, even as a real reporter’s head shot.
Several months later, a handful of those sites have been taken down. Other cease-and-please-stop requests (so Canadian!) have been ignored.
But worse, new fake identities have popped up. Worse still, they’ve put words in my mouth. Worst of all, I have penis problems.
For ABC Computer Solutions in Australia, I am Jeremy McDall, driver for Brown and Hurley, very pleased with the services they provided my computer and iPad. “Will definitely be back when needed.” I definitely wrote them and asked them to remove my image.
Pretty innocuous comments, however. Who doesn’t have computer problems? Sometimes your computer is just tired. Maybe your computer drank too much or is undergoing a lot of stress. No big deal. It happens to the best of hard drives.
Penis problems, on the other hand? PENIS PROBLEMS! Now I’m talking about PENIS PROBLEMS?
Oh, there’s more. I’m a Cheap Cialis spokesman two-times over, though clearly I am not a spokesman in my first language. I am also really icky.
“My girlfriend was exhausted.” No one believes you, Bill!
Clearly I would prefer my face not be used to hawk knock-off boner drugs. And look at that face! It does not look like the face of someone whose sex-marathon was a success.
I don’t want to be Andrew or Bill, and yet I find no way of contacting this “company” except to go through the process of ordering Cheap Cialis. It’s bad enough I now have “Cheap Cialis” in my browser history.
I continue to be baffled by why this face, of all the head shots I’ve posted over the years. And if it can be used to sell penis pills, where does it end?
Oh wait: it ends here. On this tattoo site, I am the #1 Sad Middle Aged Man.
Well, if you were an involuntary sex drug shill, you’d be a #1 sad man too.
Drinking Tips for Teens 
sorry, i just cannot stop laughing. i am currently and online dater and i’ll keep my eyes open for you )
Say hi to me for me.
Wow. That’s quite discomfiting, isn’t it? You have a better sense of humor about it than I.
I guess I figure ultimately it’s not harming anyone, least of all me. Not yet, anyway.
I want to “Like” this eighty times over. Also, interesting fact, the half life of Cialis is 17 hours, SIGNIFICANTLY longer than that of Viagara. It may be a knockoff product, but depending on what a person is in search of- marathon sex for example, it’s a better one.
Another testimonial right here. I thought you’d like this one. Tell your dad.
I feel like I’d find your plug for Cialis even more believable if you had Ross’s photo as your avatar.
Why not? Everyone else is.
Best. Ever.
Laughing so hard that I am tempted to write something inappropriate, but I’m looking for work just now and would not want this to show up on a background check. Obviously I am not too concerned, but I did edit this comment multiple times. I’m exhausted.
I’m beyond redemption. I can never quit my job and I can never again be single. There’s too much online of my own and other’s making.
Well, this will keep you honest or possibly make you (in)famous. A sense of humor essential.
Now I know why you look so familiar – you’re not Hugh Laurie’s secret younger brother as I originally suspected. I’m very sorry to read about your penis problems by the way! Have you considered using Cialis? I hear from a very reliable source that it works wonders.
Stop that!
😉
Oh, dear … like Helen of Troy, you appear to have a face that launched a thousand ships. I wonder where you’ll “pop up” next.
I won’t lie, there’s a small thrill each time there’s a new discovery, but the Cialis was a bit much.
Ross, thank you. I’ve been watching the news with deeper and deeper depression. And then I read this post. Life, once again is good.
But if I were you, i’d find a lawyer. You don’t want to be caught hawking just anything!
I don’t think this is even in North America.
It’s the beard *snickering*
The one signed Bill has bad diction, too.
“Diction.”
Didn’t mean that honest
I too was erectile dysfunctioning until I take Super Cialis Plus. Now girlfriend is hiding in wardrobe to stop my giving her lovings in the downstairs. Now whole family taking Cialis and we do rumpty pumpty all night until we exhausting ourselves. I’m bigly thanking Super Chialis Plus!
Hey, I’ll do the endorsing here, bub.
Did I mention that I got a Super Cialis Plus tablet stuck in my throat once?
It did nothing for my performance but I did wake up with a bit of a stiff neck 😦
I suppose this could be laughed at but it’s kind of upsetting. You have a healthy attitude about it. It would occupy every other thought in my head. Don’t you wonder where ELSE your image is being used? Perhaps you’ve only stumbled across a small sampling of what’s actually out there. Scary. I would love to know the specifics of how you found out about this.
And yet look at me exploiting it for laughs, announcing it to the world when it could stay hidden. Maybe that’s a defence mechanism (Psych 101). The back story can be found in the links at the top, but the image search is a right-click on an image in Chrome.
WHOAO
You said it.
“Sex-marathon was a success!” You go, Bill. This is hilarious and terrifying in equal measures and now I must, of course, waste the remainder of my day google image searching myself.
And so many images to choose from. Here’s hoping your description is “adorable urban sophisticate.”
It’s probably your face, with so many subtle yet detectable emotions that made your photo a banner for all the middle-aged men. There’s gratitude, there’s curiosity, there’s confusion, there’s relief, there’s loneliness, there’s happiness, there’s exhaustion, there’s confidence, there’s Andrew, there’s Bill, there’s Jeremy…
There’s a touch of gas. Yes, all those things.
That is crazy. Everybody just loves your look it seems.
Except my mom.
Scientifically curious, Bill… what hashtag would you choose? (#givingherlovings is taken.)
#shouldgettested maybe.
That’s a good point you’ve got there. I await the hashtag suggestions of others, #MrBouncyBouncy
Can’t
Stop.
Laughing.
I will keep this to reread every time I have a bad day.
It has staying power.
Things could be worse……your face could be appearing in an advertisement for Gas-X or Imodium, without a modicum of cachet.
As long as I were paid.
Omg–aren’t you going to use this premise for your next novel??? Not the erectile dysfunction part, but the stuff about a mild mannered mild aged man whose image is used to create fake personas on the internet and then the people who have been hoodwinked start to seek him out in real life? All sorts of mistaken identity hijinks (some of which involves a mysterious yet sexy Russian hacker, I’m thinking) ensues. I may have even suggested this the first time you wrote about this with the dating site. There’s a story here that needs to be written.
Ha! There’s certainly potential, yes.
Okay, I died laughing at this. But find I have a strange urge to reverse image search my profile pix.
It’s a bit of a rabbit hole, I warn you.
Wat was that…!! It’s funny at the same time 🤔
True story, and still happening.
Pingback: Who has 2 thumbs, 0 prostate and no signs of cancer? | Drinking Tips for Teens
Pingback: Beauty routines & writer selfies 101 – Bloomwords