Notes from an ongoing territorial dispute with the cats


The queen-size bed situated within the master bedroom (hereinafter known as the Territory) has been officially occupied by two economic partners for more than two decades, and clear title and ownership of said Territory is undisputed, with divisions between the two partners clearly delineated by the Your Side/My Side Act of 1998.

However, both parties were remiss in clarifying a straightforward policy in regards to third-party settlements within the Territory, instead addressing claims on an ad hoc basis (see “An Act Allowing the Toddler to Stay Between Us Until She Falls Asleep,” 2002-c.2009; see also “A Treaty Forbidding the Dog on the Bed, And I Mean It!” 2010 [contested]).

It is not surprising, then, that into this legislative vacuum have wandered migrant felines in search of a better, softer life, disrupting sleep patterns and putting a strain on the Territory’s blanket resources.

Due to bilateral governance and divergent tolerance levels, the Territory has historically been able to accommodate most feline claims, thanks to one partner granting the cats all rights, privileges and pillow space, the other giving them the ol’ five-toe expulsion if they so much as think of encroaching My Side.

The cats too have generally accepted their ascribed limits within the Territory, though border skirmishes are common and the amnesty between the parties is fragile. Disputes regarding aural pollution vis-à-vis obesity-based cat wheezing (see “The People vs You Don’t Need to Refill Their Bowls As Soon As They’re Empty,” ongoing) have been more or less amicably resolved (see “The Other People vs You Can Always Sleep Somewhere Else,” under appeal). Tensions, however, remain. As does cat hair.


Current dispute

These tensions have increased in recent weeks due to a shift in the migratory patterns of the feline itinerants, namely one or more cats seeking safe haven on their allotted side of the Territory by first trespassing through unfriendly territory, namely My Side. Specifically, the cat(s) leap from the floor directly onto the Territorial occupant (hereinafter known as the Complainant), who is sleeping unaware on his back, said cat nailing him right in the victuals before rebounding onto the partner’s side and safe refuge.

It is important to note that this occurs regularly at 5:15-5:30 a.m., and there is no coming back from that, sleep-wise.

It is also worth noting that the Complainant has received little sympathy from the Territory’s economic partner because this is traditionally the time of night when the Complainant starts snoring on his back like a clogged drain, certainly giving the wheezing cats a run for their money.

Moreover, the disruption caused by these territorial skirmishes disrupts the other cats already established on the economic partner’s half of the Territory. Consequently, these cats think it’s time to be fed, particularly one of the dimmer cats who responds by putting his nose on the Complainant’s nose and purring loudly, which is adorable in theory but not in practice.

In consequence, the Complainant declares that he is not now nor has he ever been a right of way, that bounding off his sleeping torso is an abuse of the privilege granted the felines, and that, unless the issue is resolved, he is prepared to issue a feline ban on all the Territory. It is unclear how such a ban could be practically implemented without closing the door to the Territory and listening to the cats scratch all night.

The Complainant’s economic partner has been unreceptive to the suggestion of a feline ban, even though the former pointed out that such a ban would eliminate gnarly stains on the blankets from cats too obese to properly clean themselves. The Complainant has also been criticized for rhetoric describing the cats as “animals” who “should be kept in cages” (see “But They Are Animals!” Scruffington Post, 07-05-19).


Prospects for resolution

All parties involved appear to have dug in their heels (or claws, further damaging the Territory), with accusations leveled about being aloof, non-communicative and smelly. And the cats are pretty bad too.

The Complainant continues to endorse a hardline approach, including sanctions to restrict food delivery to the felines, which honestly couldn’t hurt. There is also talk of a litter embargo, raising fears of retaliation in the form of carpet bombing.

Prospects for resolution in the short-term are low. (Erecting a barrier has been suggested but unlikely to be effective because cats.) At last report, the Complainant, though sleep deprived and nursing tender victuals, had issued a call for the parties to sit down to render a solution. The cats did not respond.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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21 Responses to Notes from an ongoing territorial dispute with the cats

  1. Claudette says:

    You’re a genius. 🙂

  2. You’re really good at this, it all sounds so legit and official. No compromise with the evil of cats, and anyway they’re depraved geniuses in perpetual contempt of court, but I wish you luck with the peace negotiations. Magna Catta Carta or Pax Pactum Cattus.
    Not to be catty, but typo alert, I think it should read: “Complainant has received little sympathy…” unless you intended “… has provided a symphony of snoring, or at least, a concerto grosso…”

  3. Joy says:

    How did you get the camera into my bedroom?

  4. byebyebeer says:

    Haha! Love everything about this very relatable piece.

  5. Gavin Keenan says:

    By order of the Court, Plaintiff awarded athletic supporter with appropriate Kevlar cup. Both Defendant and Plaintiff mandated Anger Management Classes to avoid future “Catastrophe!” As the Common Law states, “Suck it Up, Buttercup.” There will be no appeal…..

  6. ksbeth says:

    I’m sorry that I cannot offer a sympathetic response of any sort due to the fact that I. am incapacitated by laughter upon reading this

  7. Brilliant! And yes, it’s a trend.

  8. List of X says:

    I think we should immediately deport all cats. They don’t pay taxes, they don’t speak our language, they don’t respect our value, they scratch our door frames. And some, I assume, are good people.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      We have a wooden beam in the basement holding up the first floor. Another 20 years and they’ll have that sucker clawed right through. With cats, it’s all about the long game.

  9. You have spoken the truth! 😂😂😂

  10. cat9984 says:

    You on one side, woman and cats on the other? Don’t waste your time. You will never win

  11. Pingback: A meeting with my internal editor | Drinking Tips for Teens

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