Advice from my father

First be kind, then be tough.

It is better to listen than to speak, smarter to think than to react.

If you treat others with respect, they will respect you and your tentacle-like appendage.

Master five good meal recipes.

Know how to change a tire.

A nightly rubdown of linseed oil will keep your tentacle-like appendage smooth and supple.

Never take the extended warranty.

Technically, you can use your tentacle-like appendage to score handicap parking.

Remember what Gandhi said: “In a gentle way, you can shake the world with your tentacle-like appendage.”

In a fight against someone with razor-like protuberances, you must quickly wrap your tentacle-like appendage around his torso, pinning down the protuberances before they can (ha-ha!) “disarm” you.

Don’t be afraid to cry.

Don’t waste too much time following professional sports.

You can trust a man with a goatee and you can trustee a man who shoots laser beams out of his eyes, but you can’t trust a man with both.

When confronted with a pitchfork-wielding mob because of your tentacle-like appendage, quoting the “If you prick us, do we not bleed…” speech from The Merchant of Venice actually won’t help.

Memorize a map of the sewers.

Know a good tailor.

The three worst words you’ll ever hear are “You disappoint me.” That and “He went thataway” said by the goateed man with laser beam eyes.

As you flee through the sewers in your bespoke overcoat with the screaming of the hoards echoing in your ears, remember that it is always darkest before the dawn, making it the best time to stow away in a Russian trawler bound for the jungles of Peru, where the prophets foretell the coming of a man with a tentacle-like appendage who shall be their god.

The ladies love a tentacle-like appendage.

Advertisements

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Never Happened and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Advice from my father

  1. List of X says:

    Why did your father’s advice did not mention the fact that the people in Peru are waiting for their tentacle-like appendage-bearing god only to nail him to a cross-like structure (kind of like a cross but with an extra beam for nailing a tentacle-like appendage)?

  2. ksbeth says:

    cephalopods are in these days, so –

  3. Is your dad H.P. Lovecraft?

  4. kristawells says:

    Are you stoned? And I mean that in the nicest way.

  5. That illustration looks a lot like half of a gnarly handle bar moustache, which some ladies seem to enjoy, but not this one. My own dear Dad once told me to tell my boyfriend to keep his appendage in his…well, you know what he said. He wasn’t one for mincing words. You on the other hand are the slap and dice master of words. Happy Father’s Day Ross Murray.

  6. Rubberplant says:

    So much wisdom. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Nadine says:

    Feeling very disenchanted, said Princess Tiabeanie to Queen Oona on her wedding night.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.