It will be a combination used bookstore and café. I will run the bookstore and my wife will run the café. That way we will both become equally wealthy.
We’ll call it Ussalone Books. As a sly rebuke to Quebec’s language inspectors, the name above the doorway will read “Livres Ussalone.”
Customers will be drawn off the street by the smell of early-morning croissants in the kitchen and the sight of late-period Colette in the window. The sign above the display will read “Let’s Colette a Day.” That joke will never get old.
Inside, they’ll find me either working on my latest novel (sure to be the commercial breakthrough the critics have been predicting for years) or sorting the latest arrivals of used books, sold to us by an elderly couple moving into a seniors’ home with no room for their ample collection of twentieth century fiction with zero Danielle Steele. It will be a big pile, but that’s okay because we seem to sell books as quickly as they come in.
Despite the quick turnover of stock, the store will be stuffed with quality books, floor to ceiling, on shelves and in crates, and will smell of paper, nutmeg and pipe tobacco. I’ll know where everything is and will offer generous discounts to the fire inspector, an avid reader of young adult fiction. My offer to sell him a copy of Fahrenheit 451 will be our running joke.
People will read in the café at the back. Go ahead, read all you want, because it will be uncanny how customers won’t be able to leave without buying something, even the people who come in to use the bathroom. It’s called IBG – Independent Bookstore Guilt. So what’ll it be? A book or a bagel?
I will be on great terms with my customers, especially the regulars, of which there will be many – knowledgeable customers who will beg me to set aside the cream of the latest arrivals. But woe be unto the customer who is belligerent or snooty or on record as having enjoyed The Best Laid Plans.
“Do you have any Camus?” the undesirable customer will ask.
“What’s the point?” I’ll say.
“How about a copy of Fight Club?”
“Beats me,” I’ll say.
“Science Fiction?”
“Could be.”
“Agatha Christie?”
“It’s a mystery.”
The regulars will smile knowingly at these exchanges, which will capture the essence of Ussalone Books: salt-of-the-earth elitism for ordinary folks who are just a bit full of themselves.
Desirable customers will be the ones who ask, “Can you recommend a book?” In response, I will pose two, three questions tops, suggest a title, and they will come back a week later and say, “Loved it. Lo-o-o-oved it!” They will never, ever dismiss my suggestions and ask instead for romance novels about vampires in kilts.
Besides our in-store customers, we will do a brisk online business, and I will establish a long-distance friendship with a book-buyer in England, just like in the book 84 Charing Cross Road, except, thanks to email, our correspondence will take 20 months instead of 20 years, and I won’t have to die at the end.
The weekly poetry nights will have people lining up to get in, because live poetry is as popular as used books. And the poems will be profoundly beautiful and easily understood, as will be the poets; the “No Mumbling!” rule will be strictly enforced.
“Ross, read us something of your latest,” the audience will implore, and I’ll be shy at first but then will bring the house down with my latest heartwarming but scathing yet hilarious poem. Then I’ll whip out my guitar, and the reading will turn into a hootenanny. I’ll also learn to play guitar.
I will offer free books to small children, unless they’re obnoxious.
It goes without saying that a sweet young couple will meet over a copy of A Confederacy of Dunces, and I will officiate at their wedding, having become an ordained minister between writing critically acclaimed novels and sorting quality books and the guitar lessons.
As the years go by, Ussalone Books will become a treasured landmark in the community, famed for its support of literacy and minestrone soup, a beloved institution that meets the community’s insatiable desire for books and light lunches, especially now that Amazon and Starbucks have gone out of business and Kindles cause sterility.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Sounds excellent! My boyfriend has a similar fantasy about a comic book store/bakery combo.
Equally lucrative and realistic, I’m sure.
Oh definitely! If money was no object, it would totally exist.
I’m glad Kindles cause sterility. I just found out my health insurance may not entirely cover vasectomies and I was looking to save a little cash. Right now irradiating my crotch is sounding like a winner.
Not covering vasectomies makes sense — it’s self-defeating to eliminate future customers to gouge.
You could always go for the DIY option.
Also glad that this was your takeaway from this piece. 🙂
Haha… Sorry, my wife has vehemently pushed the no sex until vasectomy thing in our household and any alternative cheaper than the several thousand dollars necessary for the vasectomy is very desirable. Clearly, all the previous words about books, minestrone soup, and elitism will be lost under the prospect of finding alternatives to having your balls sliced apart.
So what you’re saying is I should tag this post “sterilization” to draw the thousands of other desperate, horny men in your situation? Done!
Hey, anything that draws the horny man demographic is a winner. I was thinking of renaming my website ‘largebreastedgangbang.com’ to draw in this demographic who will immediately be disappointed with the suburban monotony that permeates each post of my blog. At least my search engine rankings will skyrocket.
I no longer feel like living a reality now.
Even if this store did exist and everyone was a total dick and would throw copies of your book at you while yelling insults it would be pretty sweet. I’d take it at least.
I think you’d fit right in.
Who’s the biggest dick in literature, I wonder?
Who is or who has? Why am I asking? It’s probably the same guy.
As in life, sad but true.
Oh, I would surely be one of the regular customers: flying in once a month from Down Under, on a day of the poetry readings. I’d have breakfast, lunch and dinner in the cafe, be a thrilled audience member during the readings, then stagger back to the airport with stacks and stacks of recommended books (being happy to pay the excess baggage price). Such an adventure!
‘And all I have to do is Dreeeeam, Dream, dream, dream. Dreeeeam.’
Don’t forget to get your Preferred Customer card stamped for a free danish/copy of my latest self-published masterpiece.
I think I’ll reblog this because anyone who uses the word, “Hootenanny” deserves to be read by many. Brilliant, Ross! I loved every bit of this.
Lisa
You’re sweet. Thanks so much.
Ha! I got into the habit of calling the saturday night kitchen shift in the last place I worked “the Saturday night hootenany and jamboree”.
At some point, one of the other managers came in and asked if we were all set up for the hootenany.
One of my proudest professional days.
Where’s the like button for this comment?
Why thank you , Sir.
Reblogged this on A Gripping Life and commented:
This is brilliant and needs no intro. Please enjoy, “My Bookstore fantasy” by, Drinking Tips for Teens. Thanks Ross!
Sounds like the perfect place. I’m glad that Kindles cause sterility. I always knew Kindles were evil.
It may be because they fit so snugly in your pocket next to your baby factory. Anything that convenient can’t be good for you.
I will be here every day. Are you looking for sales associates? Please hire me!
Sure, but we pay in cupcakes and chapbooks.
Priceless: “just like in the book 84 Charing Cross Road, except, thanks to email, our correspondence will take 20 months instead of 20 years, and I won’t have to die at the end.” hahaha, I love this!
Thanks. I read 84 for the first time in February, was charmed and inspired.
Wonderful Ross! I’ve had the coffee house/bookstore/writer’s group meeting place for so long. I’ve also incorporated aromatherapy into the mix. And yoga, me being the ultimate yoga teacher and of course brilliant author who has had books made into movies. Sigh.
Loved your image. I’ll stop by. When’s the grand opening? ;).
That’s the beauty: we never close! Thanks for stopping by. Oh, and we’ve slotted you in for a book signing on the 18th.
Great. I’ll try to avoid the paparazzi. 😀
For this, I would even consider moving to Canadalandia. Unless I could just access the store via my wardrobe… My own version of Narnia!
It’s my fantasy, and I say it is so! (But please wipe your feet.)
But I love mysteries and existential authors – will I get a special dispensation b/c I’m a friend, Rosemary???? Or at least a special channel? Can I skip the poetry slam but eat croissants – and as a finger flip AGAINST the language police, I’d have to call them Crescent Rolls in a snoooooty tone.
First of all, I’m only dismissive to the douches, so I am at your full and total service re all your book-buying requests.
“Special Channel” books are next to “Self-Help” and “Vigilantism.”
The fifth croissant is free. Oh, and do please call them “croissants.” We anglos love our French; it’s the imposed French we loathe.
I like a special channel.
Do you have Funicular books?
But I can’t have pasta, right?
I nearly sent you over to the Funicular books but I figured you already knew where those were.
The pasta she’s-a nice!
Sigh, that sounds absolutely fabulous. Only I would, from time to time, recommend romances with kilt wearing vampires. But only the well written ones. After I finish writing and self-publishing them.
I’ve heard the advance praise for “McTavish, Laird of Darkness” is outstanding!
As a former bookstore owner I can only say my fantasy ran smack dab into a wall of reality…I think they call it cash flow…or something like that…anyway I wish you well…and it is always wonderful to dream…be encouraged!
As you may have gathered, I live in Quebec where there is a small English minority. This post is partially inspired by a local English book store (mostly used books) that has hung on so far for 10 years. So far the owner hasn’t let reality get her down. Thanks for the comment!
I would be a regular too and with every word I read it sounds like a dream realized! Are you guys high on the obesity scale over there? No? The croissants alone would put you on the map! Bless that Lisa, found her through the reblog, cheers 🙂
We’re surprisingly svelte, probably due to all the sweating over language politics. Plus, starving writers and all that. Bless that Lisa indeed! Thanks for the follow!
I am so freaking excited because I got the bad French joke!!
Awesome post! Was this written because you wanted to subtly list off great books you’ve read? 😉
What a nice daydream though. I felt like I was there! I would frequent your bookstore. I’d be one of the customers who recommends books to other customers and when they ask me how long I’ve worked there, I’ll reply with a smile that I don’t. And then they’ll be creeped out and leave promptly.
Cool! Then you’re definitely not-hired!
That’s funny about the book name-dropping suggestion. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever read Colette, maybe a little Camus, never Fight Club or Fahrenheit (shame on me), Charing Cross yes, Confederacy yes. And I chose the latter because it seemed like a good hipster selection. The Best Laid Plans I don’t want to talk about.
Thanks.
Now you don’t seem as cool…
jk you’ll always be cool to me.
Ah, what a wonderful world it would be. Love the sign above the door. And there is no such thing as a “bad French joke”. I, of course, would be a regular customer at your establishment, stopping in for a cappuccino and croissant on my stroll to the stock exchange each morning.
Wunderbar! (We’re like the Berlitz of friendly hipsters geeks.)
I would hang out there all the time, if only I knew how to read…
You could fill the role of “local character.
Ross,
Livres Ussalone… C’est parfait, ça. However, may I suggest:Livres Ussalone, S’tie? I’ll choose a book by Marguerite Yourcenar, sit in front of the Colette poster, and tell passing customers that all French people look alike, and they are probably just one… all but Albert Camus..
Le Clown
These are all brilliant suggestions! You’re in.
(“What the hell is ‘s’tie’?” – every other reader)
Ross,
Une crisse de référence obscure…
Le Clown
I’m not even going to attempt to respond! Ha!
There’s a post for you, explaining quebecois curse words.
Ross,
I might just write that one for next week…
Le Clown
J’ai hâte de le lire, câlique!
So, I’d love to hang out and read, but do you have anything else besides bagels? Also, this iced coffee tastes bitter. And what is that smell?! Good god!
That’s strike one.
Where are all of your first volumes? What about old pulp paperbacks that I enjoy looking at for the sake of irony?
That’s strike two.
Seriously? I used to love coming to this bookstore, but you’ve gone all corporate. You’re all Harry Potter books and canned coffee. You’ve changed, man, not me.
That’s it. No “Scoop” for you! (Evelyn Waugh, 1938)
Nice.
Thanks for playing. We have the mostest fun here at Ussalone.
Parting gifts aside, it’s been a real pleasure just play, Ross.
Ahh, the romance of running a bookstore. What are you doing telling everyone about how great it is? Now Everyone is going to want one and stores will pop up everywhere! Geez, thanks a lot Ross. Bookstores on every corner. They’ll outnumber McDonalds! And we’ve been running on bookstore quilt for years. Now our cover is blown! Well at least Knowlton is a forgiving town. D’Oh!
Busted!
And thanks for sharing the link.
Confederacy of Dunces – one of my all-time faves!
Certainly nothing quite like it, that’s for sure. AND I bought it at my favourite used book store.
I think it would make a fabulous t.v. series. Kind of like The Office, set in NO.
They’ve been talking about a movie for years. Still are.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Confederacy_of_Dunces#Film_adaptations
I know. That’s why I think they should go the sitcom route. They’re never going to get a movie off the ground.
I was going to reply that TV series tend to ruin the spirit of the original once they get several episodes in, and then I thought: “MASH.” So maybe you’re right!
For the most part, I agree, but I think we would just need to get the right people to produce it.
Gosh, I loved MASH!
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Is this gonna be like “The Shop Around the Corner”? I can’t imagine the uproar if any “mega” bookstore tries to scoop up our “Yellow Pages Bookshop”.
That’s a great name.
Ussalone is inspired, but please be aware that you may get a few people wandering in looking for the ‘niche’ escort service Ass-U-Lone…just be prepared; otherwise this is a beautiful dream.
We cater to dyslexics too.
Thanks. It is beautiful, isn’t it?
It is true that they should be allowed to eat.
If I ever wanted to run my own business, that would be the one I’d choose.
Love all of it, but this line is my favorite: “My offer to sell him a copy of Fahrenheit 451 will be our running joke.”
Thanks. I nearly killed that line because I felt it was “piling on.” So, yay me! And thank you very much!
Reblogged this on deepamwadds and commented:
A wonderful fantasy. I don’t know who wouldn’t love a place like this!
Thanks very much!
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“Livres Ussalone” !!!! Love it 🙂
This post is probably my favourite of the year so far and that bilingual pun may be why.
brb drooling
I am not understanding. Is that the name of a British author?
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