If there’s one thing that the U.S. federal election campaign has taught me and that Monday night’s debate in particular reinforced and that the mainstream media helpfully perpetuated and that my gut instinct kind of knew all along and that my mother warned me would probably happen, it’s that run-on sentences are no big deal.
But if there’s another thing I’ve learned, it’s that cohesive arguments and logic are never going to sway the opinion of someone whose mind is made up. People who already backed Hillary Clinton felt that she won Monday’s debate. People who already backed Donald Trump are idiots. But also they thought that he won Monday’s debate.
This is actually great news, especially for someone like me who has been in print media for nearly 25 years, communicating and establishing a reputation for myself through thousands and thousands of words. Not all the words, and certainly not the best words – Trump has the best words – but pretty decent words regardless.
This means that I can generally count on readers having established an opinion of me. So it really doesn’t matter what horrible deeds I’ve perpetrated or the lies I’ve said or plan to say or the unfounded claims I make or even the fact that I haven’t had a true coherent thought since 2007. People are going to feel exactly the same way about me. Run-on sentences and all.
It’s a relief, really. Finally I can write about the time I walked out of Canadian Tire with 15 fishing lures down my pants, which is not stealing because the security tags had been removed, the store’s fault, poor management, shoddy tagging. That’s called good shopping, by the way.
And if the police come to my door now because they read this, I’ll say, “Wrong, wrong, you’re wrong. I never said that. You’re wrong. Go back and read it again.” By which time I’ll have purchased all existing copies and burned down the Internet, because I am very wealthy, really incredibly wealthy. And then I’ll tell them they have the wrong house and that I am actually high-stakes celebrity attorney Ira Neusbaum, and if they don’t get off my property I will sue them so fast it’ll make their heads spin.
I’ll be honest with you, I’ve done some really great things, and I know so many people. My good friend Margaret Atwood, who is an excellent lady author – an authoress – I bested her two out of three in arm wrestling during a fundraiser for I don’t know what – the Book Readingness Foundation or Chivalry Deficiency Syndrome or other such. Margaret Atwood, who is wonderful and very successful, as am I, she said to me, “I’m thinking of writing speculative fiction called Oryx and Glenn,” and I said, “Peggy: make it ‘Crake.’” So really, I’m the success here, and also with the arm wrestling, don’t forget.
But some people, some readers, they say some not very nice things about me. These are some very against me readers. They say things like, “His columns used to not be so dark,” and, “I liked it better when he wrote about his kids.” The truth is, I never had those kids. Look for yourself. The record is very clear on this. I never had three or even four children.
So those people saying those not very nice things, you know what? Let them say it. Because people – the smart people – they’ve already made up their mind about me and will be purchasing my new book, A Hole in the Ground, for the enjoyment of themselves and all their friends and family. You know it. I know it. And it’s an excellent book, by the way, very funny, very words.
Because readers love me. They love me! I tell you this, I’ve been all over, to the best living rooms, really outstanding loveseats and their ilk, and I gotta tell you, it’s impressive. I tell people, “I broke up Brad and Angelina. I said, ‘Angie, you gotta do it. It makes sense. Because, you know, you’re not getting any younger, not going to be hot forever.’” So she did, and she was right to do that.
It doesn’t matter what I say, because I’m entertaining. Huge with entertainment. Or insufferable. Doesn’t matter. You already made up your mind. Really, you’re incredibly lucky to be reading this. And no question there’s going to be absolutely dozens more like it. Just the best lies. Keep ignoring arguments and facts, folks, because it’s going to get a lot worse.