Go Trump yourself

Photo: cnn.com

Photo: cnn.com

If there’s one thing that the U.S. federal election campaign has taught me and that Monday night’s debate in particular reinforced and that the mainstream media helpfully perpetuated and that my gut instinct kind of knew all along and that my mother warned me would probably happen, it’s that run-on sentences are no big deal.

But if there’s another thing I’ve learned, it’s that cohesive arguments and logic are never going to sway the opinion of someone whose mind is made up. People who already backed Hillary Clinton felt that she won Monday’s debate. People who already backed Donald Trump are idiots. But also they thought that he won Monday’s debate.

This is actually great news, especially for someone like me who has been in print media for nearly 25 years, communicating and establishing a reputation for myself through thousands and thousands of words. Not all the words, and certainly not the best words – Trump has the best words – but pretty decent words regardless.

This means that I can generally count on readers having established an opinion of me. So it really doesn’t matter what horrible deeds I’ve perpetrated or the lies I’ve said or plan to say or the unfounded claims I make or even the fact that I haven’t had a true coherent thought since 2007. People are going to feel exactly the same way about me. Run-on sentences and all.

It’s a relief, really. Finally I can write about the time I walked out of Canadian Tire with 15 fishing lures down my pants, which is not stealing because the security tags had been removed, the store’s fault, poor management, shoddy tagging. That’s called good shopping, by the way.

And if the police come to my door now because they read this, I’ll say, “Wrong, wrong, you’re wrong. I never said that. You’re wrong. Go back and read it again.” By which time I’ll have purchased all existing copies and burned down the Internet, because I am very wealthy, really incredibly wealthy. And then I’ll tell them they have the wrong house and that I am actually high-stakes celebrity attorney Ira Neusbaum, and if they don’t get off my property I will sue them so fast it’ll make their heads spin.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve done some really great things, and I know so many people. My good friend Margaret Atwood, who is an excellent lady author – an authoress – I bested her two out of three in arm wrestling during a fundraiser for I don’t know what – the Book Readingness Foundation or Chivalry Deficiency Syndrome or other such. Margaret Atwood, who is wonderful and very successful, as am I, she said to me, “I’m thinking of writing speculative fiction called Oryx and Glenn,” and I said, “Peggy: make it ‘Crake.’” So really, I’m the success here, and also with the arm wrestling, don’t forget.

But some people, some readers, they say some not very nice things about me. These are some very against me readers. They say things like, “His columns used to not be so dark,” and, “I liked it better when he wrote about his kids.” The truth is, I never had those kids. Look for yourself. The record is very clear on this. I never had three or even four children.

So those people saying those not very nice things, you know what? Let them say it. Because people – the smart people – they’ve already made up their mind about me and will be purchasing my new book, A Hole in the Ground, for the enjoyment of themselves and all their friends and family. You know it. I know it. And it’s an excellent book, by the way, very funny, very words.

Because readers love me. They love me! I tell you this, I’ve been all over, to the best living rooms, really outstanding loveseats and their ilk, and I gotta tell you, it’s impressive. I tell people, “I broke up Brad and Angelina. I said, ‘Angie, you gotta do it. It makes sense. Because, you know, you’re not getting any younger, not going to be hot forever.’” So she did, and she was right to do that.

It doesn’t matter what I say, because I’m entertaining. Huge with entertainment. Or insufferable. Doesn’t matter. You already made up your mind. Really, you’re incredibly lucky to be reading this. And no question there’s going to be absolutely dozens more like it. Just the best lies. Keep ignoring arguments and facts, folks, because it’s going to get a lot worse.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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47 Responses to Go Trump yourself

  1. Trent Lewin says:

    I appreciate the laugh. Consider me one of your adoring fans that will continue to adore you no matter what you say or do. I mean, you could stand behind me and fondle my testicles while pouring mountain dew down my back, and I’d still love you.

  2. byebyebeer says:

    I’ll admit I did not watch the debate because I made my mind up so long ago I don’t think anyone was running then, though that can’t be right. Instead I curled up with a good book. Yours! It’s smart and funny and racy and makes me appreciate you as a writer even more, so opinions can become more favorable. You’re right that I don’t care about the fishing lures though. I guess it’s harder to admit poor judgment about something or someone.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Racy. Like “racy” racy?
      It’s weird that I and thousands of other Canadians watched this debate (when few will watch our own leaders’ debates). I guess it is, ultimately, about entertainment.

      • byebyebeer says:

        Racy as in almost googled The Buttermilk but was 1) afraid it was made up and 2) afraid it wasn’t. I guess it’s easier to rubberneck another country’s car crash. Save us a spot in Canada.

        • rossmurray1 says:

          Ha! Oh that. When I was writing it, my wife said, “Make sure there’s lots of sex in it.” I replied, “Not really. Well, there is one short, humorous episode.” “So it’s an autobiography,” she said.

  3. You definitely captured Mr. Trump’s voice. And yet I forced myself to read this all the way through. Very funny, Ross. But don’t do it again. We’re suffering enough here as it is.

  4. Want to really impress me? (Probably not, but you can’t stop me from typing in this little box.) Stuff a tire from Canadian Tire into your pants and walk out; fishing lures are for amateurs, and people who fish.
    Thanks for the laugh this morning…it hurts, but it’s funny.

  5. evmoog says:

    Huuge success! That makes you smart, doesn’t it. All you have to do now is avoid paying taxes.

  6. pinklightsabre says:

    Very funny, very words. Same with your book, you hot shot. A real laugh. So what’s this “run-on sentences” about? I thought you just keep packing ’em in there and you wear them down, right?

  7. Melanie Cutting says:

    Enjoyed the column, but more importantly, I finished your book this morning and need to know where to go to give it a penetrating, thoughtful and erudite review.

  8. List of X says:

    And I’m sure that the liberal media is really unhappy with your support for Russia’s Tolstoy, but he is a tremendously strong writer, and his Amazon ratings are through the roof, and he isn’t afraid of war or peace, but war must come first, obviously. But not diplomacy, cause it never solved anything. Just makes us look weak on crime and weak on punishment.

  9. badparentingweb says:

    Pretty spot-in impression! I like how David Cross describes Trump as the soldier who’s talking to the denying soldier, the one who doesn’t realize his lower half has been blown off and asks if he’s going to be okay. The Trump-esque soldier is doing everything in his power to convince the guy, “Fine? Of course you’re gonna be fine! You’re gonna be great! Better than before. Trust me! No problems whatsoever because I’m right. Walk? You’re gonna run, boyo!”

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Ha. I’m a little ways through Cross’s Neflix special, so I have that to look forward to, I guess.

      • badparentingweb says:

        That’s the one bit that I saw from that entire special. I need to go back and revisit it. If you never heard the album, “Shut Up, You Fucking Baby,” is amazing and provided a TON of material for Mr. Show back in the day.

  10. Dina Honour says:

    Thanks for this yuuuugely, bigly welcoming break from reality, signed an exhausted American reader

  11. Yahooey says:

    I’m glad to see you’re asserting your rights. I read in a book that ignoring the normal power structure by using a Trump card is playing by the rules and contractual. I still haven’t figure out why it kept on talking about bridges.

  12. ksbeth says:

    i’m sure this whole thing was hacked by a large man sitting on his bed somewhere, i don’t blame you for it.

  13. Of course we all want him to lose but just, for one brief moment, consider an President Trump. Consider the unending parade of hysterical press conferences. Imagine the cabinet he’ll put together. Ivanka for Secretary of Defense! It has a twisted appeal, you have to admit. I’m happy to read that Alec Baldwin will be the official Trump impersonator on Saturday Night Live. I might have to tune in for the first time in a decade.

    People vote with their wallets. Always remember that.

  14. Carrie Fraser says:

    This.. Ross… is a beautiful thing…

  15. calahan says:

    As a permanent by mail voter, I will write in ‘Ross Murray’ for every candidacy available: federal, state, and local. You are going to be a busy man come January, Ross. You will be president, my congress person, and city council member of my town. Go Ross! You’re gonna be yuuuuge!

  16. Jeanne says:

    Bravo, my little cousin , well said, so insiteful. Where did all your talent come from? Will share. Keep those rants coming. See you in November. Xoxo

  17. HonieBriggs says:

    Absolutely hysterical and better than anything ever written or spoken or thought of by humans and other living organisms, like politians, you know, they really don’t think as good as you have here and other places you might have thought, um, thoughts. I give it two big thumbs up. This is really something because I usually only give one thumb at a time. Seriously, you must know this already, spot on, first rate writing.

  18. You got one thing right the media will lie and they definitely made up their choice along time ago. To bad in their narrow minded world they failed to see all those that were screaming for Change.
    Tomorrow is a great day. I just hope we can have a peaceful transition because i have never seen such sore loosers

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