Overly Complicated Secret Santa

“Ooo…! A severed finger! Thanks!”

Dear Work Family!

The leadership team at Weltzderp Cankerman & Tinkletrain invites you to join in the Merriment of the Holiday Season by participating in our Secret Santa Gift Exchange! This is a fun activity for all, and we hope “Yule” take part!

However, we want to avoid a repeat of last year’s fiasco that led to widespread eel poisoning. Eels were poisoned, the eels poisoned us, it was a whole thing. And considering that was the second year in a row it happened, we thought it best to set some clearer guidelines to make our interoffice gift exchange more carefree and pisciculture-friendly!

First things first: no eels!

If you would like to participate in Secret Santa, please copy/paste the options below into a Word document, select the response that applies, export the document as a PDF and sign it electronically. (If you require assistance to sign PDFs electronically, please contact James in IT between 1:45 and 2:23 on Mondays, 1:23 to 2:45 Fridays and any time the third Tuesday of the month, which unfortunately will be too late to participate.)

° Yes, I took part in Secret Santa last year but will not be doing so this year.
° No way would I not be participating in Secret Santa this year!

Email your PDF to Sally in HR by Thursday end of workday. Hard copies will be accepted but must be left outside Sally’s door in the slot marked “Sally’s Slot” because, as last month’s seminar revealed, flapping sharp-edged paper in Sally’s direction is a form of micro-aggression. A reminder also that it is unacceptable to make lewd comments regarding “Sally’s Slot.”

Once the names of participants have been compiled, those who have opted to negatively participate will have a quick meeting to determine who among them will be appointed Secret Santa Commissioner in charge of picking names. This meeting will take place in an undisclosed location so that those positively avoiding not participating can’t rule out potential Secret Santas. This meeting will be known as the Secret Secret Santa Commissioner Commission.

If you do not receive your Secret Santa giftee by Monday morning, please email: secret-santa-missing-huh?-help-me-pleeeez-589922-thanks@WCTwebmail(accurate).com. A reminder that this address should be in all-caps.

The management recognizes that you may feel personally attacked by your Secret Santa giftee thanks to lingering eel-related grudges. If so, you may appeal to the Secret Santa Commissioner to change your recipient. In such a case, an employee who is in the not-in segment of participants will be asked to suck it up, be a sport and play along, for God’s sake!

Please note that the addition of a substitute giftee may screw everything up and require the entire process to begin again. We honestly haven’t thought this through. Fingers crossed!

Once you have the name of your giftee, you must paint a portrait of him/her/them (gouache only!) as the domestic animal they best represent. Try to really capture their pet personality! It goes without saying that we should all be sensitive to cultural stereotypes and fur allergies. NO EELS!

At 9:00 am on Secret Santa Day, bring your completed portrait to the Richie Sambora Conference Room on Lot 9 (avoiding the construction trenches) where our maintenance staff will be on hand to hang them on the walls. You must leave while this is being done because our maintenance staff is notoriously shy (much like the loveable but stand-offish Great Dane). Return to work immediately! And then back again at 1:00 for the fun!


Once you arrive, find the portrait of yourself and stand facing it until everyone is in their spot. If there is a dispute over who a painting portrays, the disputing parties will be immediately disqualified from Secret Santa and their gifts given to the Society to Cheer Up Shy Maintenance Staff Still Scarred By That Whole Eel Business. So just pick a damn portrait!

Now everyone turn around! Look, it’s Santa! (Please note that Santa will not be Mr. Tinkletrain this year; another hard lesson learned.)

Gifts will be given out in descending order of annual RRSP deductions.

Finally, please avoid gifts that could be triggers, such as:

  • Soaps (implying poor hygiene)
  • Alcohol (struggles with addiction)
  • Calendars (death awaits us all)
  • Well, Shoot! The Illustrated History of Triggers

And it’s as simple as that! Use your imagination to find the perfect gift for a co-worker you know solely based on their snacking and bathroom habits and will probably end up being a Timmies gift card. Limit $20.



About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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14 Responses to Overly Complicated Secret Santa

  1. Twindaddy says:

    I abstain from this contest on religious grounds.

  2. pinklightsabre says:

    It’s as simple as that! I’m so glad you’re back. Makes Mondays you know, less Monday-like. Sally’s slot! Micro-aggressions! Shy staff! Oh my.

  3. I’m sensible of the HR/IT/PR writhings involved but incensed by the in-seasonal insensitivity of the negatory nature of a Noel No-eel No-No – – historically & culturally, haven’t our festivities & gladsome festerings always been infested with those creatures, as in Robbie Burn’s
    Ha! whaur ye gaun, ye crowlin corporate ferlie?
    Awa’ an oil the cretched flukish eel this e’en…” etc. Very truly & etc. RPT

  4. kirizar says:

    This made me laugh, and on a day where I have a stomach bug, that’s saying something.

  5. Gee I miss being part of an organisation, especially at this time of year. (Sings, ‘eel meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when…’

  6. felixrodrigues0434 says:

    This information is impressive; I am inspired with your post writing style & how continuously you describe this topic.

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  7. cat9984 says:

    What’s Christmas with no eels?

  8. I’m still laughing at the Richie Sambora conference room. Party happening there!

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