The query

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My novel has been rejected again by yet another publisher. Maybe it’s my query letter…

 

Dear publisher:

Please find enclosed the manuscript for my debut novel of fiction, entitled The Scrubbing!!! As you can see, there are three exclamation marks at the end of that last sentence, two of which are part of the title, The Scrubbing!!, and one because I’m so excited, and I know you are too. I bet you spilled coffee just now because of the excitement. “WHOOOO!!!!” you shouted, with four exclamation marks. Risky business, publishing, and hard on the dry-cleaning bills, but who can resist the romance? Not you, that’s for sure.

Now that you’ve put on a clean shirt, you’re probably asking yourself, “What is The Scrubbing!!?” I’ll get to that shortly, but first let’s answer the question, “Why is The Scrubbing!!?”

I think you’ll agree that the world – and Canada in particular, because of cultural metabolism – needs more novels by unknown authors with little experience writing fiction. There just aren’t enough novels being published – period, and the ones that are published are by authors everybody wants to read. How bourgeois, or as they say in French, bourgeois. What we need are fresh voices, voices that capture the passion of the now and the here and the that-thing and the this-thing-over-here and the I-don’t-even-know-what-that-thing-is.

But we also want wisdom and perspective. And beavers. We can’t forget the beavers. As I don’t need to tell you, every Canadian novel must have beaver-related content if it is to qualify for the federal Let’s Get This Published Whether Anyone Wants It Or Not grant. See? I’ve done my homework, much in the same way that I have briefly skimmed your submission guidelines.

In short – but really not very short – I am that writer. A voice of experience with no experience. And The Scrubbing!! captures that essence, or as they say in French, le stationnement.

So what is The Scrubbing!!? What sets it apart from other beaver-inclusive Canadian novels? Well, as I’ve explained to the 11 other publishers who have mulled over my manuscript meanderingly (with each rejection sending me into a spiral of Oreo-cookie-fuelled doubt, mitigated solely by the encouraging remarks about my bold choice of 18-point comic sans or how surprised they were by all the glitter), as I’ve explained to those short-sighted IMBECILES, The Scrubbing!! isn’t just a novel. It’s an experience!

As you know, there have been countless dystopian fantasies in recent years – The Hunger Games, The Maze Runner, the Harper government. Well, my novel is set in a bleak but bubbly future in the years following the Great Palmolive disaster of 2035 – yes, it’s a dish-soapian fantasy! And only our middle-aged but still rakishly handsome hero, Ssor Yarrum, holds the key to the Scouring Pad of Destiny. Will he vanquish the Greasoids of Bakonnia? Or will he be devoured by his own irresistibleness to women and, for some reason, very small toads?

The Scrubbing!! It’s part epic, part memoir, part graphic novel, part pop-up book, part scratch ticket, part absorbent pad. I think the 300-page sample I’ve enclosed will give you a small taste of the brilliance of my debut novel. Oh, and it’s Part One of a seven-book series.

Look at you already reading it! You know what? I’m so confident that The Scrubbing!! is going to ripple your butterscotch that you should just hang onto my self-addressed stamped envelope. Go ahead and use it to mail me bundles of cash, because everyone knows getting a novel published makes you rich, rich, rich!

I await your positive reply within the next three working days!!!

Best regards,

Ross “Give Me That Giller Now” Murray

 

 You can listen to the original here.  A version of this post originally appeared on CBC Radio’s “Breakaway.  You can listen to the original here.