Please support this thing that is more important than those other things

For far too long, our society has turned a blind eye to this thing. It’s outrageous. Disgusting. Poopy. When I think about what this thing is doing and sometimes what it is not doing and the people this thing is doing it to or possibly who are not having it done to them, I get so dizzy I have to sit down and do an easy-to-medium Sudoku.

But then I leap right back up again. I start fighting for this thing like it is the most important thing in the world, which it is. I leap, yes, but I immediately sit down again, because I’m on the Internet. I spend hours and hours shaming strangers who oppose this thing or support another thing that is clearly misguided in contrast to this thing.

It appalls me to see people ignoring this thing. Can’t they see how important this thing is based on how much I care about it? Why is there only 1 person “attending” my Facebook Event in support of this thing and only 2 “maybes”? The world doesn’t change on “maybe,” people!

I don’t just care about this thing. I’m passionate about it. This thing keeps me awake at night. As do the cats. I also care about the cats. I make pajamas for my cats, though all night long they struggle to get out of them, which also keeps me awake at night. But they don’t know what’s right for them! And neither does society when it comes to this thing that I care so deeply about!

The thing is, no one wants to confront the stark reality of this thing, because this thing makes them uncomfortable. (See: “cats; pajamas” above.) Big Media won’t talk about it. Not to mention Big Other Thing. Big Other Thing doesn’t want you to know about this thing, because if people acknowledge the existence of this thing, then the whole system falls apart like a chick-pea burger on a barbecue.

But people: you got to get wise to this thing! It’s happening all around us, or in many cases not happening, depending on your class, race, gender and whether you think the metric system is a myth. The truth is like my ex-girlfriend: it’s out there, it’s dangerous, and I still owe it 250 bucks.

We need to face up to this thing. It’s the most important thing because I feel it is. My emotions tell me that this thing is the thing that matters, and my emotions are the only true thing I can count on, as long as I take my medication.

Get educated! Dig around until you find articles that reinforce your belief! Actively seek out people to anonymously berate! Find a vapid celebrity spokesperson who validates your views and parking! Don’t listen to so-called facts! Never compromise! No horse is too high!

So how did I learn about this thing? If I am honest with myself, it goes back many years when I was a participant in a variation of the famous Milgram experiment. Through an instructor, I was commanded as the “teacher” to press a button that would administer electric shocks to a “student” in another room every time he gave a wrong answer to a question, the voltage increasing with each subsequent mistake. It was a highly disturbing experiment, and as I pressed the button over and over, I remember asking myself a critical question: How many filthy hands have touched this button before me?

From there, it was only logical that I would become passionate about this thing. You can’t argue with logic. Or a cat. You can, however, argue with people on the Internet, and I do, and I encourage you to do so as well. Stand up for this thing or, if necessary, stretch out on the grass for this thing. Write messages to your politicians about this thing on the sides of their car. Refer to opponents of this thing as “snowflakes.” Apparently it’s the most hurtful thing you can call someone. That and “millennial.”

Ask yourself: How can I get my cats involved?

Forget all those other things and throw your life into supporting this thing. Please retweet this and share on Facebook. Trust your gut. Don’t even read it. Too late? Oh well, these things happen.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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26 Responses to Please support this thing that is more important than those other things

    wait should that be THREE-WORD SLOGAN? DOWN WITH HYPHENS! DOWN WITH HYPHENS! does “Down with semi-colons” count as 3 words or 4? do we hyphenate that; or only when it refers to intestines???
    (that last one isn’t a slogan, it’s a cry of dismay and alarm)(seriously, that’s weird)
    One perfunctory protest: “Poopy” as a pejorative appears prejudiced to people who praise Prof. P. Poopypants.
    This is great, I laughed start to finish, you’re awarded 450 volts on the Milgram scale. 🙂

    • rossmurray1 says:

      This comment is like me: quite dense.
      Is the Milgram experiment fairly common knowledge, do you suppose? Or will people think this is just something else I’ve made up?

      • Yeah, I get “dense” a lot. Also, “tone it down” and “ok, kind of too long”.
        Heck, there was a Canadian actor, named Shatner or something, who played Milgram in “The 10th Level”. That experiment is pretty famous, resurfaces constantly, ethics classes, etc. even if nobody remembers the name Stanley Milgram.

  2. For some reason, I am reminded of a comment by a reviewer after Stephen Sondheim wrote the very twisted and disturbing play, “Assassins”: “Stephen Sondheim is one sick puppy.” You are in good company, Ross.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      The only time I ever heard of that play was in the book “Assassination Vacation” by Sarah Vowel, which is a great way to learn about dead presidents, by the way. As an aside, Sarah Vowel is the voice of Violet in The Incredibles.
      Sorry: where were we?

  3. pinklightsabre says:

    It must be Thursday, I thought that this morning when I saw your post and went on my walk, trying to remember where I was. The who I was is less interesting. The chick pea burger falling apart, that’s me. Happy Thursday mate! On to the next Thing. And would you, could stop it with Internet. We’ve been given permission to relax the capital by the Capitol.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Keep swinging. Been preoccupied with this play I’m in, and the writing and everything else has suffered. I can’t focus on more than one thing at once anymore.

  4. Wow Ross that was really someTHING.

  5. ksbeth says:

    will there be buttons?

  6. Speaking of the Milgram Experiment…how’s the show? Is the audience responding? Did anyone drop any lines? Forget their marks?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      The show’s going great, with full houses and enthusiastic audiences. I think I’ve said before, they are a super generous crowd around here, but I’m happy with the show and what we managed to pull off. Performing with S live 6-piece band has been a special treat. And Nathan? Well, how much fun is he to play? I’m having a ball, although opening night I wa more nervous than I think I’ve ever been. As for dropped lines? A few, but we haven’t skipped entire pages, which has happened in other productions I’ve been in.

  7. iran764 says:

    “These things happen”!,yah I think is true

  8. byebyebeer says:

    Charlie from Always Sunny invented kitten mittens, so perhaps he could design slippers for your sleepwear line. Can’t think of a clever name, but if there’s anyone who can, it’s you.

  9. speak766 says:

    This is great! Very entertaining and made me laugh. Love how you say you can’t argue with a cat – very true. Thank you for posting this 🙂

  10. “it’s the most hurtful thing you can call someone. That and “millennial.”

    Ask yourself: How can I get my cats involved?”

    Oooooo, if I could train cats to call millennials millennials, I’d be so booked with appearances at Portland coffeehouses, I could spring for a pair of Keens and start buying good toilet paper.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Poor millennials. It’s really only just us Xers transferring our own disappointment in ourselves.

      • Speak for yourself. I made it to the other side of 17 years of higher education with honors, ran two businesses, explored most of the Rockies, healed myself of several debilitating conditions, and connected with THOUSANDS of people….

        …all without the internet and a smart phone. I didn’t even wear a watch.

        I reserve the right to peck whatever squawking little chicken I want to.

  11. Ahdad says:

    I like this thing you did there.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

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