Please support this thing that is more important than those other things

For far too long, our society has turned a blind eye to this thing. It’s outrageous. Disgusting. Poopy. When I think about what this thing is doing and sometimes what it is not doing and the people this thing is doing it to or possibly who are not having it done to them, I get so dizzy I have to sit down and do an easy-to-medium Sudoku.

But then I leap right back up again. I start fighting for this thing like it is the most important thing in the world, which it is. I leap, yes, but I immediately sit down again, because I’m on the Internet. I spend hours and hours shaming strangers who oppose this thing or support another thing that is clearly misguided in contrast to this thing.

It appalls me to see people ignoring this thing. Can’t they see how important this thing is based on how much I care about it? Why is there only 1 person “attending” my Facebook Event in support of this thing and only 2 “maybes”? The world doesn’t change on “maybe,” people!

I don’t just care about this thing. I’m passionate about it. This thing keeps me awake at night. As do the cats. I also care about the cats. I make pajamas for my cats, though all night long they struggle to get out of them, which also keeps me awake at night. But they don’t know what’s right for them! And neither does society when it comes to this thing that I care so deeply about!

The thing is, no one wants to confront the stark reality of this thing, because this thing makes them uncomfortable. (See: “cats; pajamas” above.) Big Media won’t talk about it. Not to mention Big Other Thing. Big Other Thing doesn’t want you to know about this thing, because if people acknowledge the existence of this thing, then the whole system falls apart like a chick-pea burger on a barbecue.

But people: you got to get wise to this thing! It’s happening all around us, or in many cases not happening, depending on your class, race, gender and whether you think the metric system is a myth. The truth is like my ex-girlfriend: it’s out there, it’s dangerous, and I still owe it 250 bucks.

We need to face up to this thing. It’s the most important thing because I feel it is. My emotions tell me that this thing is the thing that matters, and my emotions are the only true thing I can count on, as long as I take my medication.

Get educated! Dig around until you find articles that reinforce your belief! Actively seek out people to anonymously berate! Find a vapid celebrity spokesperson who validates your views and parking! Don’t listen to so-called facts! Never compromise! No horse is too high!

So how did I learn about this thing? If I am honest with myself, it goes back many years when I was a participant in a variation of the famous Milgram experiment. Through an instructor, I was commanded as the “teacher” to press a button that would administer electric shocks to a “student” in another room every time he gave a wrong answer to a question, the voltage increasing with each subsequent mistake. It was a highly disturbing experiment, and as I pressed the button over and over, I remember asking myself a critical question: How many filthy hands have touched this button before me?

From there, it was only logical that I would become passionate about this thing. You can’t argue with logic. Or a cat. You can, however, argue with people on the Internet, and I do, and I encourage you to do so as well. Stand up for this thing or, if necessary, stretch out on the grass for this thing. Write messages to your politicians about this thing on the sides of their car. Refer to opponents of this thing as “snowflakes.” Apparently it’s the most hurtful thing you can call someone. That and “millennial.”

Ask yourself: How can I get my cats involved?

Forget all those other things and throw your life into supporting this thing. Please retweet this and share on Facebook. Trust your gut. Don’t even read it. Too late? Oh well, these things happen.